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Comment by Jane P on July 3, 2014 at 11:50am

I feel very "out of it" today.

I have no strength.

I feel drained and empty.

Thank you Michelle, Kim, Anne and Dolly. I keep reading what you said, over and over.

I have been feeling this way for a very long time. I know it's wrong but so is this pain. I have not had "feelings" for a long time. I don't "love" anyone anymore. When people talk to me, I don't remember what they say. Most times I don't even listen, I just pretend to. I have become very good at pretending when I have to. But not for long, I need to get back home. I want to be alone. I want to spend time "with Danielle". I don't want to go out, I don't answer the phone. I just lay on the couch watching tv. I have tried therapy, no luck. She told me she didn't feel she was qualified to help me and that I needed more intense therapy. I haven't tried again. I guess I knew I would have to do this on my own. I volunteer 2 days a week, I walk, I hike. At first it helped but now I find myself feeling like it is hopeless.

How else can I feel? My life was Danielle. She was with me for 25 years. The last seven years of her life we were together 24 hours a day. She was diagnosed with terminal brain cancer when she was 18. So she never left home. I was her only caregiver. She was young and very uncomfortable with strangers.

I miss her with every fibre in my body.

I guess I don't know how to go on.

Comment by anne on July 2, 2014 at 7:37pm

Dear Jane, Michelle, and Kim are so right. This is a very dark place to be, and we all feel like giving up at times. Yes it will always hurt, but we can't just think of ourselves. I know I want to just think of me, but I also know I can't do that. It's ok to feel the way you are feeling. It's ok to feel so desperate, but you will work through those feelings. We all will. You have already taken a good step by writing these feelings down. It is a fight. A fight that we will endure forever. Giving up won't bring your child back. Giving up doesn't insure that you will be with your child. Nobody knows what happens if you give up. Please don't take that chance. Let it out. Release the pain. Show your child how much you love her by surviving. We all know your pain. We here know your desperation, and we are here to help you in any way we can. I for one know your darkness all too well. I've lived it, twice. I promise the light will shine for you again. We care about you. I care about you. Crying is good, screaming, yelling, getting it out will help you. I can't even count on both hands, and both feet how many times I have wanted to give up, or have wished myself dead, but it solved nothing. I have also thought about how I could do myself in without hurting anyone, and it can't be done. Please listen to all of us here. We all need you. Much love to you.

Comment by kim on July 2, 2014 at 5:00pm

dear jane, I do know how you feel, I to lost my beautiful son on the 5 it will be 8 months. he is my only child. I know the unbearable pain you are in, I to cry everyday all day and night. I want so bad to be with him to. we need eachother, everyone here  can help us in time. everyone here knows the pain, we share. I think everyday about taking my own life and I will forever. my son shawn is my life. I have never met anyone here but I do love each and every one of you. what we all share is unbelieveable pain.  please give us a chance to be here for you. I to need everyone here to hear me, to understand me, WE ARE ALL FAMILY NOW no one will ever be as close to us as everyone in here. we are all in a very dark place and cant get out, so we do know what you are feeling. please talk to us,  I DO NEED YOU, and ill be here for you.    love and hugs  kim

Comment by Michelle H on July 2, 2014 at 4:34pm

Jane, I'm so sorry your pain has brought you to this point. I pray wh all my heart that you don't act on your desperation! It isn't the answer.

Comment by Jane P on July 2, 2014 at 4:27pm

Today is my 19th month without my child.

I'm not doing well. I have tried everything that I can to endure this life but nothing has worked. To put it simply, I have lost all desire to live. I have not wanted to live for a very long time. I think about ending my life all the time. I search for methods that will be successful. No one knows I am feeling this way. I worry about saying this for fear of upsetting any of you here who are already feeling so badly.

I miss Danielle so very much. She was the only person who made me feel truly loved. She was everything to me. Without her, I am nothing.

I ask God to forgive me. I ask him to take me. I am at my end. It's just too much. I don't have the strength for another day.

I am alone. I only want to be with my child. I cry all the time. My world is very dark.

And this is the hand I have been dealt, it's not going to change.

My life isn't going to get "better". I know that.

My heart goes out to each and everyone of you. I am so sorry you must bear this awful pain.

Comment by Vasanthi S on July 2, 2014 at 9:10am

Been hectic but you all are always with me. Thursday to Sunday out again this time for a retreat. I ache with the loss of my son, just that everything I do I just need him to be with me and share. or i need total oblivion.

Comment by Kar on July 1, 2014 at 9:29am

Love and strength to you all <3 <3 <3 

Comment by Michelle H on June 30, 2014 at 5:39pm

Lynn, what a wonderful way to celebrate Kyra's birthday! I hope you feel her with you!

Comment by Lynn Williams on June 30, 2014 at 4:43pm

Going to Montana tomorrow for two weeks. Staying near my daughter Genna's and then all of us will travel to Kyra's old trailer at the farm and send birthday wishes up to the heavens on July 8th. Her first birthday apart from us physically, I hope she is safe, happy and is with us in spirit. Peace to all. 

Comment by Teresa D. on June 29, 2014 at 8:24am

Thank you for sharing Lynn. 

Kim that was your son knocking at the door. He wants you to know he is looking over you.

Connie you gave me a beautiful thought today.  Michael will also tell me about the adventures he is having now.  When I get to heaven we are going to have so much to talk about.

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