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Comment by Teresa D. on October 5, 2014 at 8:43am

I too still cry everyday.  Mornings are the hardest because when I wake up the hell is still there.

I'm in reality.  It's a very painful place to be because you realize this is very REAL.  Every night I hope to wake up to find life back to what it was, but I'm facing the reality and I know that is not going to happen.  This is my reality.  I don't know what to do either and I don't know who I am anymore.

The tournament is a way for me distract myself from the holiday blues and I want to find something good in this and do this for Michael.  I can't change it, I can't fix it, and I can't undo it.  All I can do is celebrate his life. Michael loved kids and he loved hockey so the tournament is for him.

I'm lucky I do have a group of friends and my sisters that are very supportive.  If it wasn't for them I wouldn't be able to do the tournament.  They give me the emotional strength I need.  Don't get me wrong I cried straight threw the process last year and probably will again this year. 

As hard as all this is and as lost as I feel because of the support I get here I know "I'm okay".  Others might not understand what I'm going through and they might not understand why I can't do some things anymore but you guys always understand.  For that THANK YOU!

The pain is deep, my core is bleeding with tears, I'd would give my own life in exchange for Michael's.  Mommy loves you Mike.

Vas, you remind us that life continues to change. 

Lynn your not silly at all. 

LR, don't be rough on yourself and don't feel that you have to rebuild anything.  Just do what is right for you.

Comment by Connie K on October 4, 2014 at 6:35pm

Went to beautiful service at the Ashrama today. I am so thankful for that place and the people there. It gives me a sanctuary of kindness and understanding. Kind of like this site. So grateful to have all of you as well

(((  )))

Comment by Lynn Williams on October 4, 2014 at 4:11pm

It is so wonderful you are organizing a hockey tournament for this year too Teresa. Michael is so proud of you and what a wonderful Christmas present for him. You are amazing go girl. Connie sending you hugs, I think of you and Daniel often. I find I am talking to Kyra more every night before going to bed. I took out her first toy a Ragitty Anne doll that was made for her by my best friend.  She also died in a car accident when Kyra was three.  When I sleep with her I feel like Kyra and Susan are together with me again. Silly but it is so comforting. Much love goes out to you LR, Kim, Dolly, Michelle, and Vasanthi and all others who are here. Just knowing you are here for me brings me comfort when I need it most.

Comment by Jesse's Mom on October 4, 2014 at 2:30pm

From Connie, "For me, I am just really having a hard time these days. seem to be crying on and off all day every day. Things are becoming so much more real now. Really don't know where to go from here..."

Your words echo my thoughts and place in life right now exactly. I wish I could say I even want to rebuild something, but I don't. For those who can find purpose in life again, I do cheer you on...

Teresa, your tournament idea sounds like an great thing to do in honor of your boy.

Comment by kim on October 4, 2014 at 11:20am

Teresa, you are doing a wonderful thing for your son, I know hes smiling at you.  CONNIE I cry everyday all day, we miss them more then life. our pain will never go away. hugs to you all love kim

Comment by Connie K on October 4, 2014 at 11:00am

So awesome Teresa! Such well directed energy! And you KNOW Michael is so proud of you and will be there to help to make it happen. Vasanthi good luck with the rest of your trip. I was upset by the tragedy in India yesterday during Durga Puja(?) where 20 people were killed in a stampede after rumors of a fire went through the crowd. There was no fire but everyone panicked and tried to run . Of course I was immediately concerned for you and your family and where you are exactly. SO glad to hear from you.

For me, I am just really having a hard time these days. seem to be crying on and off all day every day. Things are becoming so much more real now. Really don't know where to go from here...

Comment by Teresa D. on October 4, 2014 at 9:10am

I'm organizing a beef and beer to raise funds for Michael's 2nd year hockey tournament.  Putting all my energy and focus on it so the tournament can be at Christmas. Hopefully I can raise enough to not only have the tournament but offer a scholarship for a kid to play on a team in his name. I know my Michael is proud of what I am trying to do.  This is how I am going to survive the holidays because I don't know what else to do.

Comment by Jesse's Mom on October 3, 2014 at 7:27pm

Thanks Vasanthi for the warm thoughts...

Comment by Vasanthi S on October 3, 2014 at 10:20am

Dolly , no I am not moving we are in new england but I also have my home here. Once my parents move from here it will be strange to come to a home where there is no son and no parents . My parents are next door..and will move to southern India. So Craig and me decided we will sell this place and get another one in the hillstation nearby as Craig likes it a little more quiet than a bustling city --thats all . I miss my son desperately and when I do enjoy myself going out with Craig and seeing India through his eyes I do feel guilty that I am . What to do? Tomorrow we are travelling to Southern India. Bangalore and Kerala and will be back on the 18th of Oct and then back home to the States on Oct 31st....Like you said ," one step at a time" hugsss to all..... Kim you take care, Connie, Lynda. Lynn, LR Jessie's mom am with all and those whom i have not named my love and prayers for us all xoxoxox

Comment by Connie K on October 1, 2014 at 11:19am

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