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Comment by Teresa D. on December 13, 2014 at 10:19am

I still don't know how to answer when asked how many kids.  I usually pause and look at who is asking me. Can I get away with saying 2 and no more? Will I have to explain? I don't want to have to say Michael is gone or even worse talk about it. 

Marie, I go to various schools throughout 4 counties and teach a transitioning class to students with special needs.  My Michael was born extremely hyper in 1983 when doctors would never use the letters "ADHD" so I was his advocate throughout school.  As a social worker I have always used him as an example of how challenges doesn't have to stop success and as old habits are hard to break I still do it without realizing until the questions come about where is he now and was he able to become successful then conversation gets harder. 

Working is hard but for me sitting home alone is even harder.  I'm afraid of falling in so deep that I wouldn't be able to climb back out. Yesterday I went into an angry mode.  After leaving the class I felt so angry really at myself for being such a liar. 

I had this moment like WOW who am I turning into.  I'm becoming a fake when most people knew me to such a real person.  I pride myself on my honesty yet I'm turning into such a liar. 

You ladies are right we all have to do what we need to do to survive it. 

I tried to convince myself I could move forward this year but realizing I can't. I'm just not ready to do it.  And that's okay.  I have to stop pushing myself so hard. It's okay not to be the strong one.  I just wish others could see I'm not the strong one anymore.  I'm broken. My very core hurts.

THANK YOU I APPRECIATE EACH AND EVERYONE ONE OF YOU!!!! I never thought people on a site like this would become the people I would need the most. 

Comment by Marie on December 13, 2014 at 8:29am

I am wondering how everyone answers the question "how many kids do you have?" I am finding I also dread running into people--like former students who don't know about my loss. I dread them asking me about my kids...

Teresa, I am also a teacher. What grade do you teach? This year I am just substituting. I had just taken a new half time position in our district and then my son died the Saturday after the first week of school. I resigned my position as I couldn't even write lesson plans for bereavement leave. I have shared with a couple of kids when the subject of drugs comes up what happened to my son--he accidentally overdosed on heroin.

Could everybody share the books they have read? The best one I have read so far is "When Bad Things Happen to Good People" It is about God, so if you're not religious you probably won't like it. Another book that is not religious is "Witnessing Tedd" This is just a short book about the stages of grieve.

UGh! Stealing myself for another day of fighting back tears and the tortuous pain.

Hugs to everyone! 

 

Comment by kim on December 12, 2014 at 3:13pm

hi Teresa, I to don't have x mas any more, I gave everything away, with out my son shawn theres no meaning any more. to see others so happy, shopping trees up lights on, well I just cry, yes its so very hard this time of year , but for me now its just another lonely painfull day. I cant wait till its over. I pray to shawn every night to help me through this, my heart is so broken, I know hes here, I know he will never leave me, I love him with everything I have, and miss him so very much. but all I can do is cry. you are not a fake or a liar, you are just helping the kids to smile and not show your pain, you are a special person  teresa and I thank you for being my friend. love and hugs   kim

Comment by Jesse's Mom on December 12, 2014 at 2:22pm

Teresa, I think it is okay not to always disclose everything, and you are right,

...everything is done as much as it can be for a grieving mom, and you are as ready as what you can be for this time of year...

...my mom also had two child losses just like myself...for years we avoided anything too much...maybe cook a nicer meal...place out some small decorations, I have known people who just don't celebrate the traditional holidays...they are just not into it or maybe they come from a different culture...so there are personal reasons why someone may or not do a holiday, but for a grieving parent whatever you have to do to get through, I think is okay...

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on December 12, 2014 at 1:56pm

Oh Teresa, I was reading a grief book this morning and there was a comment - Fake it till you make it, so I think that's ok...I can't even seem to do that, I'm sitting at my desk just crying, listening to everybody in the office going on with their happy lives, pisses me off and I know I need to drop the negative attitude, I do realize that I am not helping myself at all, but really today I don't care.  Big hugs to you...

Comment by Teresa D. on December 12, 2014 at 1:52pm

Every class room I had to go into this week the students kept asking me the same questions. Do you have your tree up? Did you put up lights with your decorations?  Are you shopping for your kids.  So I answered how any other grieving parent would.  I LIED!

With a fake smile I told them everything was done and I was ready.

Reality is there is no tree, no decorations, no lights and sorry but I just can't go near the stores right now.

I'm a fake and a liar.

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on December 12, 2014 at 1:05pm

Today is awful.  I just feel like I'm sinking further down into nothingness.  I can't stand my friends asking how I am, REALLY?? and how about - What do you want to do? - Well let me see, I want my son back, I want my dogs back, I want to feel normal cus I don't even know what that is or when I could possibly feel that way. So I just don't talk to anybody, I want them all to just leave me alone.  Last weekend my beautiful Haley, my dog, my best friend was alive and happy and now she's gone just like my son.  Life just seems to get harder and harder.

Comment by jill Gershon on December 12, 2014 at 11:55am

thanks, Connie.

Comment by Connie K on December 12, 2014 at 11:18am

Jill I will send you a message later today

Comment by jill Gershon on December 12, 2014 at 7:29am

I am at work and not able to research this posting and comments, but can people put up reputable mediums for me?  I live in the Tampa Bay area.  I lost my son a year ago. 

 

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