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Comment by Connie K on April 17, 2015 at 11:59am

That's great Jill. by the way, I am a graphic designer and use Indesign. If you ever need a quick answer send me a text!! But I think it's a great idea to get some instruction on that program and  before you know it he will be a whiz and have a great skill that is used by most professional graphics companies. Having a one on one class will be the best thing for him and it won't take that much time to learn it. Peace to everyone today

Comment by Dolly on April 17, 2015 at 11:43am

Thank You God!! please God make it so there is no 'probation' stipulation and give Derek the support he needs to do his job to the fullest and in such a way that will bring PRAISE and not disappointment in any way... and thank You for all the wonderful ways You remind us that our loved ones are NOT dead but are fully alive for the first time ever.... and let us learn to live here on earth with some JOY and peace until we're all together again.. amen

Comment by Jill E on April 17, 2015 at 11:31am

I just got a text from Derek. He did not lose his job but not sure if he is on probation or what. His writhing is very good it is using the computer program InDesign that is his concern. His learning disability has some issue with spatial issues. This has to do with layout of the newspaper page. We found him a tutor, in Phoenix, an hour and a half away but we will gladly take him. He is such an emotional son, tears come so easily like me and his pessimistic tendencies come from me too.
Thank you for your prayers. I pray he did not get put on probation as he needs no extra pressure.
Josh passed away a little over 4 months ago. We sold our house and moved here to be with Derek. It is wonderful here. Arizona is much easier to afford than California. I was able to retire thank goodness as I don't think I could have gone back to work, very stressful job.
We live 15 minutes from Sedona. I see butterflies, hot air balloons and hummingbirds right from my kitchen window. We even had a couple of Javelinas walking through the golf course behind our house. It is wonderful here and I have brought Josh with me. He is seeing everything with me. I see Volkswagens and I smile (he loved them so much) hopefully I will be trading in my car and getting a VW.
I don't have good feelings about my daughter-in-law. She is going to Hawaii with a good friend of Josh's (a girl). I don't know how she can afford it because I was under the impression she may lose the house. So much has happened. She has blocked me, unfriended me, won't take text from me nothing. I have apologized so many times to her for things I did only as a grieving mother. I am the type to apologize over and over even if it is not my fault because I hate confrontation.
Thank you again for your prayers and send him you thoughts that all will be ok. Derek like me I don't think could handle another tragedy in his life.

Comment by Dolly on April 17, 2015 at 11:17am

I've often heard people say suicide is selfish but I don't agree.. I think its just something people say that have never really felt totally hopeless and alone to the point where no hope seems possible... when someone says its 'selfish' I think its sort of like people who haven't lost a child tell us how we should be reacting to losing OURS... but I don't think suicide is a good solution because it's usually done in a state of desperation when we can't think beyond the pain.. pain which will pass to some extent if we just hold on..and then we can rethink and replan.. its not easy... to fight your way back to wanting not to die... I won't even say to want to LIVE... that comes later.. just to want not to DIE ... at that moment... also we all sin constantly.. even if we just think we don't sin.. that's a sin... that argument never makes any difference to someone so low they want to die... I even wonder about it in terms of God.. because it says there is a time appointed for each to die.... a time appointed by God... so I wonder if a suicide would even succeed if it wasn't 'time' to die.. but I would never want to find out the hard way.. that suicide was 'that sin' that would not be covered by the blood of Jesus... but please don't put guilt in the mix.. please don't tell suicidal people they are just selfish.... its so far from what they are... they are often self haters at that point...

Comment by Connie K on April 17, 2015 at 11:00am

Jill sometimes it does just get so overwhelming that you can't help but want to leave. I think it's only natural. Since I have no other children, I often think well why am I here and I would be better off with my son. But that's not the way it's happening, I will keep fighting through the really rough days for those that I love here and have faith that somehow someday this will all make sense and we will be with our children again.

I am praying that your son does not lose his job. Try to keep positive thoughts concerning that and we will too. If he does then he will have experience under his belt and maybe find an even better job. Don't lose faith and try to find someway to deal with the anger for your daughter-in-law. I am sure it is fueling  your fears about other bad things happening out of your control. I have had to work on that concerning the driver of the car that my son was killed in. He was charged with felony manslaughter because he was grossly negligent,  All of my anger changed nothing. It just hurt me and my family more. If you can talk to a counselor about it, it might help. Forgive her for your well being - not hers.Easier said than done i know...

My husband also had a heart attack and went into full cardiac arrest about 5 years ago. My son had just been diagnosed with Crohn's Disease and we went through hell for several years. This was all on the heels of me having just gone through treatment for breast cancer - 6 months of chemo and radiation. the whole nine yards. It was a miracle they saved him. I wouldn't have been able to deal everything alone. Bad things happen to everyone. But I know how you feel...I too feel like I can't take another thing after a brutal day in court Wednesday. Trying to decompress. Hang in there. you are loved and I know you have love to give. I'm sorry you are hurting so much right now. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

Comment by Dolly on April 17, 2015 at 10:14am

Oh my Jill... oh please hang on ... Derek needs you... the pain is so bad sometimes we just want it to all STOP... be OVER.... but he is the JOY in your life... Derek is the JOY and he needs you... hang onto that.. help him find a way past what he is going through now... maybe he WON'T lose the job... I am praying he won't GOD...please God... this is so hard God... help us please...

Comment by Rj on April 17, 2015 at 9:58am

Live for your son...he needs you more than ever sweet jill.

Comment by Jill E on April 17, 2015 at 9:49am

I have never really hated anyone but I do hate my daughter-in-law. She knew, she saw what my son was doing to himself and she never asked for help. I may not have been able to help but I never got the chance.
Ok enough is enough God! My home burned down 4 years ago. My husband had a heart attack 2 years ago and I lost the most beloved thing in the world my eldest son. To add pain to all of this my youngest son called crying yesterday that he may lose his dream job. He has learning disabilities, worked so hard all of his life. Graduated from U of A and landed a job as a sports reporter for a little newspaper in northern Arizona. We just moved here to be near him and now the last bit of joy he could be losing.

Not sure I can go through any more pain. I just can't. To hear him cry...

For the first time yesterday I thought about taking my own life. I was being selfish but I don't think I can live through anymore pain. This last thing is doing me in. The only joy I have left in my life, Derek may be crushed and demolished this morning. I cannot stand taking on anymore grief. I cannot handle it.

Comment by Teresa D. on April 17, 2015 at 6:49am

Dolly, you know without the experience they just have no clue.  I think you have demonstrated strength.  You can tell me all your stories about Brandon and I will listen to every word even when you start to repeat yourself.

You have to toughen up to those comments. You have to know without the loss they have no clue about the level of this grief. "wasn't that 2 years ago?" "Aren't you over that by now?" Comments like these will be thrown at you all the time.  As hurtful as they are you have to just learn to shut your ears and walk away. 

Sharon, sad to say but it happens to us all. Some friends you won't hear from as much and some will just stop calling.  They all have different reasons.  Some can't face us because they are scared to be us. And reality is we are not who we were prior to our kid leaving. Some will stand by us while our lives change and some will leave not being able to understand that we are changing and not out of choice.

I don't care anymore what people say because I know I am trying really hard to get to a better place.  I also learned at this point that progress is a very slow process.   

Comment by Sharon on April 17, 2015 at 6:22am

Laurie thank you. I think I found one that I will try. Did you do it? If so, how was it? I was trying to private message you... Don't know how.

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