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Comment by Teresa D. on June 1, 2015 at 6:32am

Laurie I am so sorry that on top of this you have to go through the stress of reliving this in court.  I'm thinking of you and praying for a quick ending to it.  Your right this is very exhausting. As Dolly says, "it's like carrying a ton of cement on your back".

For me the first year I tried over and over to negotiate the situation with God, I went to bed every night hoping it was a nightmare and very disappointed every morning when I woke and my Michael was still gone. 

After 2 years reality hit me like a ton of bricks one day.  I no longer negotiate and I now know this is my reality.  When that day came I felt like I was getting the news all over again but this time I had to face this was VERY REAL! 

I'm just glad to be past that first year. I think it is the hardest because you don't want to face reality, you realize everything in your life is changing and you realize your not the same anymore.

I use to run in circles looking for things and yet I had no clue what I was looking for.  I was so sick to my stomach but no doctor could find a cause. I couldn't go anywhere without crying. Holidays hit me like a punishment.  Hell his birthday that first year I woke up went to the bathroom and hit the bathroom floor where I stayed all day.  I literally thought I was going to die that day. So many things I think of now and I'm so glad I'm not there anymore.

As I said I still cry everyday but it is more private now.  I talked to my Michael everyday and let him know I love him. There are days I fall back and need help getting back up. A few weeks ago I found the windex in the refrigerator.  But it's okay cause I'm no longer doing it daily.

I can't tell any of you what it will be like for you, I can only share what it has been like for me. 

Sharon your right you can only do what you can do. People don't realize we are not choosing to be this way.  They also don't realize how much we have to figure out in order to live again.

Comment by Jill E on May 31, 2015 at 8:59pm

I don't even think I am existing, I am this nothing, I find no real joy or happiness. I don't have anything left besides Derek. I thank god I have him, I have to wear my mask with him so he doesn't get upset. My husband and I just fight. He thinks I should be a functioning person. I don't function I just go through the day...Nothing except unexpected gut wrenching pain and the sobbing that follows or sometimes no sobbing just unending sorrow. Afraid to die, afraid to go on...

Comment by Jesse's Mom on May 31, 2015 at 5:04pm

Teresa, it is 30 months for me, and much of what you wrote, I too am experiencing.

I think it was January this year, I was beginning to really wake up to the new reality...

We are still in trial with the girl who ran over my son. The trial date is in Sept almost 3 years and will take 2 days. In some ways perhaps it was better just to be able to have clearer thinking...but it definitely keeps you in that moment of time.

Wearing a fake face, I am doing more of that these days...which is why I am limiting myself in public as it is so exhausting.

Comment by Sharon on May 31, 2015 at 3:24pm

Coming up on 4 months for me too.  I think the numbness is wearing off, because the extreme pain and anxiety are both back. Just when I thought I was getting a little better... 

I guess this is the new "normal" that everyone talks about.

Teresa, thank you for your words of encouragement. Just knowing that other people have the same feelings as you, really helps.

I'm just trying to get up and live every day the best that I can do.  It's all I have left right now. It will have to be enough.

Comment by Teresa D. on May 31, 2015 at 12:09pm

It has been quite, for me again sometimes I just don't know what to say to those of you who are so fresh. 

I'm 32 months in I realize while it's slow I'm moving in my grief and I'm learning to manage it.

For those who are new again I think I stay quite because I can't tell you it gets better instead I can only say you'll learn to manage it as others told me.

I wish I could offer magic words that would make these painful feelings go away but I can't.  I can only offer my own experience.

I am trying as hard as I can to wear my fake face, manage my grief and accept the changes that have to happen.

I have to learn how to:

accept I have no grandchildren

not to breakdown in public

answer questions about Michael

deal with his birthday

deal with holidays

wear my fake face

live without my Michael

I come to realize it will take me time to learn all of this. Am I there? No but I now accept this is my new reality.

Jill, RJ I remember being right where you are.  it's been 32 months and I still cry every single day.  It's now normal to me. Through you I know I have progressed.  In time you will too. 

I can't tell you my pain has lessoned all I can tell you is I'm learning to accept this is my reality and I have to accept changes and learn new things that seem simple to others.

In time you too will see that while it does not feel like time and your grief is not moving you will look at those behind you and see that you have.  Very small steps forward but forward.

I'm told by others that in time I will allow happy moments back into my life.  I'm not there but I look forward to that day.

Right now just allow yourself to grieve.

Comment by Rj on May 31, 2015 at 10:31am

Seems like we are all just existing...nothing more

Comment by Jill E on May 31, 2015 at 10:27am

It will be 6 months since I lost my Josh and I am so dreading it. I just don't know how to do this anymore. Everyday is a struggle. I put on this mask, it's easier that way and for my son Derek. I haven't dreamt about Josh. In someways I am frightened because I miss him so much it might send me into a tailspin. It isn't getting better. I am a hermit. I want to stay in bed. I hate having an idle mind as it takes me to Josh every time and then the gut wrenching pain and tears, sobs. I use to love to read, can't concentrate. I snap at the littlest of things. Does it ever get better. I don't think so only worse because Josh will never be back with me. I see him laying in that hospital bed taking his last breaths, holding his hand and not being able to do anything about it.
I want to throw things, scream the pain will not go away because Josh won't come back to me. WYWH. I Love you my Joshie more than you will ever know, my angel. Just a little over 6 months ago o had no idea. Both my son's everything was going so good.

Comment by Dolly on May 31, 2015 at 9:21am

feeling anxious about the trip to Boston.. don't like leaving the house anymore.. guess its good I'm retired.. don't want to see people or talk to them.. don't want them looking at me wondering 'what happened to HER?' I have aged so drastically since Brandon died and I'm old to start with so now mirrors are my enemy... well for awhile now I guess.. but somehow it doesn't seem to matter anymore..

Comment by Rj on May 31, 2015 at 7:53am

Hello all. Tomorrow will be 4 months larry has been gone. I swear i do not think time is helping me at all. I feel i am sinking far into myself more than ever before. Just sad...hard to smile or find joy

Comment by Vasanthi S on May 31, 2015 at 7:28am

Here dolly, I come and read and want to say many things , many things which will help us feel lighter but am unable to. Have been busy, my parents shifted to South India ( another ending) and for now my work is done here in India. Flying back to Boston and my by now eagerly waiting husband on the 4th of June. I'll be in touch and Dolly when you come to Boston, do message or email and we will meet up. Love to all xoxoxox

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