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Comment by Jill E on June 2, 2015 at 3:56pm

I hate life. I want to die. My son is going to get fired, just because he can't do page design. He is an awesome reporter but he is going to get fired I can't stand to see him in pain and I can't take anymore. I want to die

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on June 2, 2015 at 2:12pm

Hey everybody, haven't been here in over a week, it's hard to respond on my phone, but I've been keeping up with you all.  First off, thanks to everybody who said Happy Birthday and kind things about my Randy and Dolly, thank you for the beautiful birthday cake.  It was a heartwrenching day all the way around.  This time last year he was out of rehab and was doing really well.  The 6 month anniv. was one of the hardest days ever and last week was 7 months.  Those dates just about do you in.  We went away to our house in AZ and it was good to be gone.  None of the everyday reminders here in Long Beach where he grew up.  To those of you that are new, the days do get somewhat easier I guess even though I believe we will always be missing a part of us and will feel a pain inside of everyday and every minute knowing we wont see our babies again.  It's a terrible thing but all we can do is move forward there is no other choice and some days are definitely harder then others.  Laurie - its hard to imagine that your BF of all those years would tell you to turn to your family.  But as we all agree - nobody knows what to say or do and I understand but it hurts me very much. 

I have worked with the people in my small office for over 25 years and they don't know what to say. They go along and act like all is ok while I am crumbling inside and do not want to be here at all.  I HAD a really close friend here and now we hardly speak because she doesn't know what to say at all, just a hug, a pat on the shoulder, anything would be better then nothing and it pisses me off.  I am angry at everybody and their normal lives and I also sit around and feel the guilt, what if I did something more, what if I tried harder what if.... my brain gets so friggin tired of thinking.

I also feel so bad for Joe Biden, to lose 2 children and his first wife...my heart hurts for him and all of us on here.  Thanks for always being here and listening.  I miss my Randy so much, my heart is aching very much today.. hugs to everybody.

Comment by Ammy on June 2, 2015 at 2:06pm

Connie I am sorry about your accident.  I can relate as I had a minor one about 3 weeks ago.  Making a right hand turn but someone making a left hand turn did not yield the right away to me and we collided.  No personal injuries, but it does send us into a tailspin.  I can imagine how bad it was for you with bringing up Daniel's accident.  I couldn't even tell the officer what happened.  I just went into that numb, dazed state.  Hope you will feel better soon.

Comment by Ammy on June 2, 2015 at 1:59pm

Linda, thank you for posting.  I am coming up on 5 years in July and I know what you wrote to be true.  I use to feel that gut wrenching pain where I would hide in the shower so no one could hear me but it has become a gentler pain for most of the time now.  I still think of my son constantly throughout most days.  

I am so sorry for the loss of you 'furbaby'.  I know they are part of the family and bring comfort.

Comment by Sharon on June 2, 2015 at 12:15pm

Connie, I'm so sorry about your accident. It is so hard to drive and not be distracted by our thoughts of our loved ones. I'm so glad that you are getting strength right now. I'm not having much luck in that department.

Rj, so hard for us right now. Just when we thought we are getting a little stronger, things get worse. I guess that's why they save grief comes in waves. Some a little gentler, some very powerful. We just have to try to keep hanging onto our little life raft.

Linda, that you for your words of encouragement. For us "newbies" it means a lot.

Sharon

Comment by Connie K on June 2, 2015 at 10:22am

It's been a tough couple of weeks for me. I had a small car accident last week . I hit a lady from behind who was going into a gas station and had stopped partially in the road (I guess someone was on front of her) Anyway I was at a stop sign and turned right and there she was. I couldn't stop in time. The impact sent me into a tailspin. She and her daughter were fine but All I can think is why couldn't my son have been okay. It brought me back to that night. I would trade places in a heartbeat so he could live his life. As time goes on, I wonder how I can do this forever. It the midst of all the graduations, new grandchildren, the swirl and joy of everyone's life around me, makes me feel so barren and sad can't even come close to describing it. Mostly I still feel like I failed him, that if I had done things better, he would still be here. It is an ongoing struggle with being a human I guess, On those dark days I draw my strength from Spirit and the fact that I need to somehow live worthily for my son. I saw a quote on TCF facebook grief toolbox that says it for me.

"I do not want your legacy to be that your death Permanently broke me. Your Life, Your Love and my love will sustain my survival."

I miss you my sweet Daniel. Love you always and forever

And love to all of you here. You are always in my thoughts and prayers.

Comment by Rj on June 2, 2015 at 9:50am

Thank you linda. Hugggs

Comment by Linda on June 2, 2015 at 9:17am

The pain and torture we all deal with on a daily basis is sometimes more than one person can take it has been 10 years since my 21 year old son was killed in a snowmobiling accident . I still think about him everyday and miss him . I am at a place where I can cope and have some happiness in my life. I am a changed person I still have those bad days that I think I can't cope another day but I continue to move forward. We recently had to put our 19 year old dog down and it is heartbreaking she was there through the years to comfort me and again I am battling the grief the sadness, the rawness of the grief . For those of you who have recently lost your son or daughter I know that gut wrenching grief how everything doesn't feel real how you don't know how you will ever go on. believe me you will you will never be over losing your child but you will live again you will smile and laugh. You will be changed but there is hope. You will have fond memories of your child and remember some of them: grief is a life long road do it on your own time schedule as the months and years move on you will have set backs but you will become stronger and learn to cope but you must take your time for you to grieve . My son loved life so much that we have vowed to live our lives in his honor .

Comment by Rj on June 2, 2015 at 6:50am

I agree Jane, it is comforting to know we are not alone or going crazy, i know it does help me. No matter what stage of grief we are in, the pain is so real. Every day i wake up and want to stay in bed so i guess it is good I went back to work because if not i can see me doing just that. I miss my son so much, as the days pass, seems like the pain gets deeper. I miss life with larry, hard to get thru the day but somehow for whatever reason we are all still here, managing to get thru, live with such pain and lonliness, sadness.

Comment by Jane P on June 1, 2015 at 7:32pm

Thank you all for sharing.

It helps all of us.

It helps to know there are others who live with this pain but are willing to help others.

You are good people.

Thank you.

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