Don't grieve alone; 14,000 members and growing
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Dear Eva, You came to the right place. I think I can say for all of us that we know your pain. You just go right ahead and let it out. That's what we're here for. I don't think there's anything you can say that I myself haven't already said. We are here for you. I have buried 2 of my children at separate times, so sadly to say that experience of this journey is in abundance here. I'm sorry you have to be a part of this club that has been forced upon you. I just want you to know that God did not do this to you, and he did not take your precious child away from you. However I have found it very helpful to yell, and scream at God. He has big shoulders, and knows our pain. I'm pretty sure if someone was going to be struck down for blaming, and screaming at God, it would've been me. I still find myself yelling at him on occasion. So go ahead and let it out! There's no time limit, and no instruction manual for this kind of grief. Every time a new person comes to this site I wish I could hold them in my arms. However I am holding you in my heart. This journey really sucks. Just know that here every thought and feeling you have is understandable. We do not judge. We support. Many hugs to you today.
I know this war I am waging is internal...this struggle to redefine my life without a treasured part of my heart. I called her from birth my "heavenly" Devan Lee. I can't help but wonder if I didn't feel that she was my angel on earth he might not have wanted her back so soon...
Eva, there is a FB page for Compassionate Friends for bereaved parents...you do not have to have an account to view the page:
And it is very unfair. And they may have to live without you - you're right we never know. That's one of the hardest and most valuable lessons we come away with - time is precious. But I believe your daughters spirit lives on and she needs you now to help be there for her children. I'm sorry for all the pain you are going through. I know that some days you feel like you just can't do this for the rest of your life. So it helps to take it one day at a time, sometimes, one minute at a time and keep talking here no matter what you are feeling. We have all been in that dark abyss where it feels like there is no hope. But there is because we are here for each other.
I am coherent enough to know that my words will tend to scare people, they at times frighten me...I am only giving them release so they do not fester anymore within where they can do more damage. Yes, there are days I give them weight in my darkest moments but I stumble around and manage to find pinpoints of light. When you say my grandaughters need me, I know how much they "need" their mother. I know how much I "need" my daughter. I feel cheated. If they can live without their mother...it translates into my brain that they can live without me as well. Who is to say I cannot go in a car accident tomorrow...basically the line means I cannot make the decision, only the power that is. I find that very unfair.
I just do not want emotions anymore...If I am not allowed to "go to a better place, with no more pain or suffering and be happy"...I'm pretty sure my last option is a labotomy
My grandchildren are 5 hours away. I Skype with them once or twice a week. Today marks the first month since her loss. I am finding it difficult to find someone who will listen to me so I can let the burden of saddness and pain escape the bottle inside. As grief is personal others do not wish to hear the negative emotions and pain I am currently smothered in. It is building up great anxiety. I am glad others can move on and be positive...but for me, my view is warped by anguish and the cliches hold no value, for in my heart the definitions have changed. Hope is a concept people hold to and I no longer believe in. Now I just wait for the next trauma, the next tragedy and ask myself if I truly am strong enough to endure more pain..because if this makes me stronger...what is the strength for ? The next blow...? That is the thought which truly terrifies me. I have survived much in my life and I am now at an age where they are piling up and this hope of better, happier days no longer feels attainable. I am broken...like a prisoner of war in a concentration camp who can only endure so long before the mind rebels from the torture.
Thinking of uo and Niles today Grace. My Daniel's B-day was just 2 weeks ago and it set me in a downward spiral that I'm just trying to get out of. For a mom, the memory of the birth of her child is part of every cell in your being. As is the death... But his spirit lives on and will be with you.
Eva Van I am so sorry to have to welcome you also. My son also died in a car accident and the sudden loss is so hard to believe. and as painful as it is, You are not alone. we do understand how crushing the grief is. Are your grandchildren close by?
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