Eva Van
  • Female
  • Saint George, UT
  • United States

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About Me:
Working Mother.
About my Loss:
March 17, 2014 I lost my 24 year old daughter in a n automobile accident. Just 2 weeks shy of the 3 year anniversary of the death of my husband.


I love my daughter dearly...we were always close. She always wanted to be a mother when she grew up and when she married at 19 she thought it was the best gift ever to receive a "honeymoon" baby. She loved her princesses. She learned to do the most intricate braids for their hair and always had their hair done amazingly. She was bright, vibrant, wonderful, kind, and wore her heart on her sleeve. I was blessed as a mother and I reveled everyday in that knowledge. I don't want her to be gone...  

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Comment Wall (10 comments)

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At 12:34pm on June 12, 2016, MarieSte said…

Hi Eva, did you write ...not one more lullaby? It's absolutely beautiful. Thank you for posting it. MarieSte x

At 8:15pm on July 23, 2014, Jesse's Mom said…

Thank you Eva for your comment to my wall. This is a hard journey for sure. Your images on the slideshow say so much...

At 2:39pm on May 15, 2014, Brenda Ann said…

Dear Eva,

     As I read over your posts my heart broke for you. At a time when it would seem to me your mother would draw close to you, she pulled away. I don't understand her. Maybe I should be glad I don't understand her but one thing I know for sure, God will not turn his back on you. God does not "take" our loved ones. Lea B.W has it right - prayer is powerful and helps us get to know God as a friend.

     Please read this article on line: “He Is the God . . . of the Living”

     In God's eyes, the resurrection of your daughter is so sure to happen that she is alive to him. So how can we come to have faith in that? Prayer is the first step. Then we need to find out what the Bible says about our loved ones who have passed away.. What was God's original purpose for the earth and all humans? Has that purpose changed. The answers from the Bible will help you cope till wickedness and death are gone forever.

     Lean on God in prayer and he promises:

(Philippians 4:6, 7) Do not be anxious over anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication along with thanksgiving let YOUR petitions be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God that excels all thought will guard YOUR hearts and YOUR mental powers by means of Christ Jesus.
(Philippians 4:13) For all things I have the strength by virtue of him who imparts power to me.

Listen closely to the words of this Bible based song. It is as thought God is speaking to us as his children. Be Wise My Son

In the second stanza are found these words:

Rejoice and take pleasure

in giving me your all,

And though you may stumble,

I’ll raise you if you fall.

No matter who fails you

or proves to be untrue,

Take comfort in knowing

I’ll always cherish you.

     Yes, no matter who fails you, God will not fail you nor abandon you. Niether will I leave you as a friend. Note what God says"

(Philippians 4:6, 7) Do not be anxious over anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication along with thanksgiving let YOUR petitions be made known to God; 7 and the peace of God that excels all thought will guard YOUR hearts and YOUR mental powers by means of Christ Jesus.

(Philippians 4:13) For all things I have the strength by virtue of him who imparts power to me.

(Isaiah 41:10) Do not be afraid, for I am with you. Do not gaze about, for I am your God. I will fortify you. I will really help you. I will really keep fast hold of you with my right hand of righteousness.’


At 10:47am on April 30, 2014, Lea B.W said…


The pain that we face is unbearable at times.  Praying is not just a feel good therapy.  Prayer is a way for us to draw close to God.  God has a personal name.  In fact he urges us to pray to him using His name.  He does answer our prayers.  It can be in a subtle way, perhaps through unexpected friends, perhaps through something we read in His word that gives us a genuine hope for the future.  Luke 11:9'- urges "keep on asking and it will be given to you."  At this time you yearn to hold your loved ones again.   God will grant justice to those who cry out to him day and night... Luke 18:6-8 speaks of God doing this speedily.  If you lost something so dear and special to you, justice is only that what you lost is replaced and never lost again.  Jesus while on earth performed many miracles, why?  Each time giving glory to His Father.  It was because he was showing what can and will be done in the future. One of those miracles was the opportunity of individuals to have their loved ones brought back to them.  Jesus asking 3 times, showed the grief and pain he knew he would be undergoing as His Father's name would be slandered, and he himself as God's son would be brought on false charges.  Jesus' showed us that unlike our Original parents Adam and Eve who were perfect and did not remain loyal, that a Perfect man can be loyal to God.  Even amidst such trials.  Jesus knew he would be resurrected, his faith and loyalty to God is an example for us.  We are imperfect we strive to be better each day.  The only way we can get through it each day is with the help of God He gives us the power beyond what is normal.  You getting up each day, putting one foot in front of the other...you are stronger than you think! :) Keep going Eva, and keep seeking comfort everyday.. 

Feel free to message me anytime.  This weekend will be especially difficult as my best friend I lost 3 years ago shortly after she gave birth..her widow is getting remarried. I don't know why this brings up memories of that time.  SO I especially am taking my own advise and praying for extra strength and peace. I would not go but my husband is in the wedding.  So I will pray for comfort in my heart..but it does bring up the memory of that time all over again.  She left behind 3 kids.at that time the youngest was 2 months...I understand from a different angle....

At 11:17pm on April 28, 2014, Lea B.W said…

Eva, How sad you were told that. ..Your loss is not a punishment from God.  In fact, the Bible speaks of this at James 1:13- When under trial let no one say, I am being tried by God" for with evil thigs God cannot be tried, nor does he himself try anyone."  I feel sad that someone would want you to believe that losing someone as precious as your daughter is a punishment from God.  God instead in his inspired word the Bible shows that the accidents and tragedies that occur are a result of what Ecc. 9:11 says,  'that time and unexpected events overtake us all.'  

In fact God sees the horrible pain that you are in and wants to correct this for you, for me, for all who seek to know him.  Eva you are a spiritual woman that is not religious, so you can appreciate that religion and the Bible are separate. Truly knowing the truth that the Bible speaks of can give you hope for the future.  No one may ever understand or comprehend all you have been through, but God does.  He sees all things.  He sees how badly you are being mistreated and knows how unfair and unloving this is.  The world we live in can be very harsh, but God sees this and will take action to make sure that all your needs and wants are met.  Including, the beautiful hope of seeing your loved ones again.  In the meantime, God does give us comfort and the power beyond what is normal to help sustain us.  There is hope for you, in fact you stated the same sentiments that Job a faithful worshiper of God expressed after losing all of his children tragically and being struck by an agonizing illness, leaving him isolated and distraught. If you have a Bible I urge you to read that account in JOB it shows how he had everything taken from him, but how he remained strong in his faith and how he was blessed for doing so.  But during this time, God was able to provide him the needed help and encouragement for him to keep going. 

My friend God can hear you if you call to him, and he will provide a way of comfort for you even when it seems like you cant go on any further.  The prophet Habakkuk cried out to God as he longed for him to intervene...asking the very questions of God we ask, "How long...must I cry for help, , but you do not hear?  How long must I ask for help from violence, but you do not intervene?" But the vision in chapter 2 of Habakkuk, he is answered as God reinforces, "For the vision is yet for its appointed time, and it is rushing toward its end, and it will not lie, Even if it should delay, keep in expectation of it! For it will without fail come true. It will not be late!"   The time when we will see, God intervene and will fulfill the promise found at John 5:28,29 speaks of a time when we can have a real hope of being reunited with our dead loved ones.  

I pray each day you have a little bit more comfort and can see the hope that is laid out for each one of us.  

At 8:38am on April 26, 2014, Eva Van said…

I have been through too many heartbreaking traumas...mine are always compounded as well. The loss of my daughter in and of itself  so gut wrenching. But I also lost my mother through this. She decided not to come to my daughters funeral. She considers me evil and the reason my daughter was taken from me as a  punishment from God. I am spiritual but not "religous". She is rigidly so. The day I buried my daughter my mother packed everything I ever gave her and put it on my doorstep. The note read, "These things no longer have any value to me. If you do not wish to have them I am taking them to the dump." The day of the funeral she basically let my brothers and sisters who came to the funeral know that they would be disowned if they went. I am the second eldest of 12. All but 4 of my siblings attended, 3 because of my Mothers wishes the 4th because of distance. So the following week was not the mourning of my daughter but my Mother made my daughters death about her and that my siblings going to her funeral was a betrayal of the  family. I still can not wrap my head around what she has done. Nor my siblings. It was devastating to them. The 3 who "sided" with my mother started posting horrible things about me and my family on Social Family Media sites...inciting more agony for those grieving a loss.  My mother lived next door to me and I moved the week after because I could not bear the sight of her. I have not spoken to her since March 19th...2 days after the death of my daughter.  

My life is the worst kind of D class fiction novel. Not a person in the world would believe my life's story if I were to ever write a biography. Hell, I have lived it and it feels surreal to me.

Before my husband died I took whatever life threw my way picked up and kept moving...doing what needed to be done without looking back. I crashed after my Husbands death. This one is unbearable. These trauma are no longer strengthening me. They are draining me. I can no longer function as before, and frankly there is no desire to now. If this is what my life will always be like...there is no hope for me. 

At 8:30am on April 24, 2014, Lea B.W said…

Eva, to read your wall I cried.  This is such a heartbreaking loss..What a beautiful family you have... I know that right now things seem unreal.  We as human beings know that we may lose our loved ones, but I dont believe any of us are prepared for it, no matter if it is sudden or we know they were sick.  It is hole that stays with us forever.  I truly believe that time cannot heal that wound or loss of loved ones, instead their is only COMFORT we can seek.  Comfort from others and even God...I dont know your thoughts on that, but I found that praying helps to comfort me and reassure me that God will replace what we have lost.  I enjoy the scripture found at Isaiah 26:19 speaks of that time when we can see our loved ones again.  A dream to many but a powerful message and theme held throughout the Bible.  It helps me to have the hope and faith that this pain we feel is only temporary.   I am praying for your comfort and peace.  I know those beautiful memories of your daughter will help to keep her close to you in mind and heart.  Journaling helps as well to recall those times of joy and love you shared and to even write down things you would tell her if she were there.  Don't be afraid to think you will see her again... I have faith and trust that it can happen.  Revelation 21:3,4- 'God will wipe away your tears and Death will be no more..neither will mourning nor outcry...the former things have passed away'.  Thinking of you...this wall truly touched my heart.  You are surrounded by individuals who understand loss and who are here to encourage and help to comfort you during this most difficult time.  

At 9:47am on April 23, 2014, Lynn Williams said…

Eva, I am so sorry for your loss of your beautiful daughter.  It never seems real.  I lost my 26 year old daughter in a car accident last August 17th. One minute there with us beautiful and healthy and then gone. Our brains can not accept their passing.  After 8 months I cry everyday but I am doing better than those first four months.  I never thought I would still be alive at this point, but you get up everyday,  survive and get through it by screaming and crying.  Be kind to yourself it does get easier to go on hard as it is to believe. Much love Lynn  

At 3:52pm on April 17, 2014, Jesse's Mom said…

I am sorry for the loss of your precious daughter...what you said does not surprise me as I have heard other parents who felt their child had a certain "knowing". You are still in a lot of shock...make sure to self-care...

I read this grief counselor's web site early on...her name is Carol Kearns


At 11:34pm on April 16, 2014, Bern said…

My son was with a girl and her brother he new on September 30, 2012. The girl told police that my son shot himself in the head. I know my son and her brother got into an altercation about money, something that was not right I believe her brother shot my son and blamed it on my only Son. Pray for and my job and real answers. The boy called 911. This is driving me crazy.

Eva Van's Blog

4 months

Every day I struggle to live in a world without you...this loss of you has been the single most crushing blow I have ever endured. I find now I am not searching for answers or why...answers are a poor substitute for a daughter. My physical presence craves a hug...your voice...your smile. The world around me carries on, but the emptiness of a world without you, with all it's attendant sorrows and unanswered questions, engulfs the life I once knew. EVERYTHING...changes...

I feel completely…


Posted on July 25, 2014 at 12:39pm — 2 Comments

3 months

It's been 3 months, sweetheart. The days truly crawl. I miss you so much. Your daughters all celebrated their birthdays last week. Why did you get their presents  so early? They had a wonderful party. I complimented Davin on his choice of gifts for them and he started crying and told me you had bought every single one of them. He too didn't understand why you had insisted on buying them when you did. 

I love you daughter...I struggle without you. We all do. But since your passing I…


Posted on June 18, 2014 at 11:16am

My dearest Devan...

My dearest Devan....

I miss you.  I say these words over and over in my head. Three little words that hold every emotion in my heart. I need you. I don't want you to be gone....my mind will not rest. I think of all the wonderful memories of you. I remember the good and bad times we shared as Mother and Daughter and I feel the loss of you so intensely in these moments...these moments I should feel joy of having you in my life...these moments of knowing how blessed I was to be your…


Posted on May 29, 2014 at 4:47am

There just isn't much hope among these pages.  When I went through this with my husbands passing I had a breakdown. The one thought that terrified me was that I would not be strong enough to do this …

There just isn't much hope among these pages. 

When I went through this with my husbands passing I had a breakdown. The one thought that terrified me was that I would not be strong enough to do this again. (My husbands death was the first trauma I could not bounce back from...not the first one I've endured) I was right. Everyone around me tells me how strong I am but it is all a facade. I keep looking every day for a reason, an answer, just a straw of the value of living through and…


Posted on May 25, 2014 at 1:00am — 2 Comments


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