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Comment by Jane P on September 30, 2015 at 4:25pm

Connie

Yes, I know.........

I do nothing for any holiday.

I stopped the day Danielle left.

There is no life without Danielle.

That is the only thing I have learned to accept.

Each and every day is so painful that I wish tomorrow would never come.

Comment by Connie K on September 30, 2015 at 3:57pm

Hugs Sandy. Every skinny teenage boy I see on a skateboard feels at first for a split second excitement that I see him (in some crazy place in my head) but then just tears my heart out....I decorate minimally now and sit outside for the kids. We used to have an annual Halloween party - it was always the best. How I want my boy back. Been crying all day. Some days I feel like i'm crazy and just can't function - but have to. Though I have accepted this reality I still can believe it happened. You know?

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on September 30, 2015 at 3:06pm

I agree I think rambling is good and if we rehash the same ideas and same things over and over I feel it helps us all.  I asked Randy the Sunday night prior if he was using and he said no.  I asked his dad that he lived with if he was and he said "I don't think so" friggin idiot.  I want to scream at him and ask why didn't he do something? Why didn't he pay attention but I wont cus he probably is thinking it himself and I was at fault too but ultimately through drugs and even alcohol they had to want to stop.  We couldn't make them as much as we wanted to make them.  I think that is the hardest thing, we want to think we could "fix" everything and make everything ok for our babies but these things were out of control and that's really hard. 

I did decorate last year, it's hard but I will again this year. Whats really hard is last year in October I had bought Randy Christmas presents and they were at my office. 

I shop online now and I want to buy him shirts and shoes and I see things he would like and that hurts so much. I'd like to dig a hole and crawl in it and not see anything or anybody or any school kids or any teenager riding a skateboard.  It all makes me so angry and upset. And I am mad at Randy, I love him so and I miss him so but he chose that and why would you choose that shit.  I can never never never understand.

Yes very hard and exhausting, I can't sleep at night, even when I take sleeping pills.  Thanks for listening (reading) my rambling.  Some days we just have too.

Hugs and peace (a little)

Comment by Teresa D. on September 30, 2015 at 8:29am

I think we all torture ourselves with the "what if".

I think if anyone one of us had the knowledge and thought there was something we could have done to stop this outcome we would have done it.

If I knew and I could have, I would have climbed through that phone line that day. 

But just like you Sandy I asked myself over and over.. Why didn't I hear something in his voice? Was he trying to call me back?

Jill rambling is good, because it does help you process this even though it feels like a storm in your head. 

Dolly, I get what your saying.  When you give birth you start to see the world and things differently and then when you lose a child I think again you start to see the world differently.

After you lose something so precious and you see people not valuing life at all around you it just makes you feel sick.

Sandy I'm also like you, I haven't decorated or participated in holidays too much myself.  Being 3 years in I know they will never be what they were, now I just wait and see what new shape they take.

Like for Christmas, there is a tree outside that I think I will decorate for Michael this year. I say it now but we'll see if I can actually do it.

This is a very hard and exhausting journey. 

You may not feel your moving in this, but in time you will. 

Sending HUGS to everyone today. 

Comment by Jill E on September 29, 2015 at 8:07pm

Oh Sandy I understand the tears that come where ever you are, tears do not discriminate. My son drank himself to death and I didn't know he was doing it. Why did I not see the signs, the symptoms, I was raised by alcoholics I should have known. I use to warn him. Why oh why did I not see it or when I smelled it on him why did I keep my mouth shut and not say something. I smelled alcohol on his breath but brushed it off on the new cheap cologne he had been wearing (I now know what he was trying to cover up. Why did my daughter-in-law not tell us? At 33 he was drinking hard to destroy his liver and kidneys We may not have been able to help but we should of had a chance. I carry a huge anger around towards my daughter-in-law. The physical appearance of his body I saw in the hospital was something a person that lived with him daily could not deny. In public he covered it very well, long sleeves... How could Josh not see what he was doing to himself. What was so bad in his life for him to do it, was it something I did wrong? I have my youngest son I am very fortunate for that but half of my insides have been ripped out when I lost My Joshie. I am really rambling sometimes you just have to rehash, to try to figure it out once again to try and figure why. Love you all. WYWH

Comment by Jane P on September 29, 2015 at 5:41pm

Sandy

I ask myself that same question, each and every day.

I ask God that same question, many times a day.

This is not a life.

Not like this.

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on September 29, 2015 at 12:51pm

These days are harder I think, when they've all been hard that seems like a stupid statement.  I'm crying in the car again, playing the "what if" game...why didn't I do something? I knew he was doing drugs again and I would ask and he would lie, I should have done something. I feel so alone and empty and sad. I just want to be home alone, not at work with normal happy people with normal happy lives. I love Halloween, always decorated, last year I had already decorated when I lost Randy. It seems to stupid now, I got the stuff out but why should I even bother. If I don't do it I feel like I'm giving up, like I should do it just for me but half of me is saying "why". I look tired, I am tired, my friggin brain won't stop.  I feel so sick and I miss him so much. How are we supposed to live like this feeling like this every minute of every day.

Comment by Dolly on September 27, 2015 at 8:09pm

yes JILL I agree... I am so exhausted with it all words just spin around in my brain.. then I see something posted in here.. like what Teresa has been saying and it being echoed by others and I know that if I could get the words together too they would pretty much be exactly the same... then there is all the mess going on in this country which is enough to make me want to leave the world even more... whatever are we DOING ??? selling baby parts now?? what next?? and bringing in 'refugees' that are sworn to hate us all and giving them places to live where they can run things by their own laws.. including raping children and beating and killing women... It makes me feel like I'm in a nightmare on top of the nightmare I'm already in

Comment by Jill E on September 27, 2015 at 5:03pm

Wow, just when I feel like I can't put my pain in words I "hear" those words right hear. It is funny when this thought pops in my head that I am having a better day then that thought alone brings me crashing down. There are no good days. I am so afraid I won't see him again, that rips my heart out. How to cope? How to live? How to live without my Josh? I try to tell myself he would not want me to be sad but I can't help it. Please I need relief, but there is none in sight. I am tired. My mind is exhausted. I keep my mask ready when needed.

Comment by Teresa D. on September 23, 2015 at 3:43pm

Connie I wish I could tell you not torture yourself but after just going through it I know it's easier said than done.

Sandy this is our new normal.

Laurie, I can't imagine what it is like for you to have to write that statement.

HUGS! 

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