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Comment by Connie K on June 19, 2013 at 5:32pm

Marilyn - I know it is just hard to live without our children. To do anything. I understand all of your feelings. It is so tough to speak about your child when people just don't get it. It makes me feel like they are diminishing the greatest of all losses. I am sorry for your rough day

Anna what you are doing with your husband's ashes is wonderful. I have also lost 2 children in the womb 16 years ago. One was over 5 months and the pregnancy was so far along that they had to deliver the baby. When they asked me about if we wanted to have a funeral I could not even fathom it at the time I was so grief stricken. Especially since so many people don't consider a miscarriage losing a child. All I ever heard was how it was meant to be, there must have been something wrong. Move on. have more kids. Blah blah blah. That loss devastated me and I was never able to conceive again. It was my 2nd miscarriage after I had my son. My Daniel grew up an only child which I felt guilty about. And now I have lost him too. At least he has 2 sisters in heaven! Anyway, I spread the ashes of my baby on the hillside where we can look up and see her growing into beautiful trees, flowing along a mountain stream. I look to those mountains everyday and feel her spirit. We are struggling however with what to do about Daniel's ashes. I still have them in his room and has a very special urn made by one of his favorite glass artists. The urn turned out too small and my husband wants to keep the ashes together for now so I am trying to figure out how to handle it. Everyone must do this in their own time and when the time is right you will know what to do just like you did Anna. And you will also Marilyn. You will find that the love of others as well as your son's spirit will help you get through a memorial of whatever you choose and your child deserves the recognition whenever you are up to it.  We also did a tree planting at his school which is close to our house for Daniel and that was a beautiful way to honor and share his life without a stressful ceremony, etc. No speeches just thanked everyone for coming and we painted small rocks with messages to place around the tree and played his favorite music in the background.  I am a singer and was able to sing a spiritual for him with my trio which was difficult but I knew he would appreciate and hear it. There was healing in the fact that his spirit was being shared on that day by all those who loved him. I nurture that tree as if it were my child too. It is a blossoming cherry that blooms around his birthday and drops it's leaves around the time of his death. So you can find one that has significance to you or your son. Think about it. You are not alone in this struggle. love to everyone.

Comment by anna l. on June 19, 2013 at 4:44pm

Marilyn I understand how hard it is to go out.  Those first many trips out after take a huge amount of energy because even if we do not run into anyone who wants to offer condolences, we worry ourselves sick that we will!  Breathing seems to take all the energy we have, there is none left over for all that other stuff. 

As for how to honor your son, you need to talk with your husband and other children and come up with a plan.  My husband was cremated in July 2011.  We had a celebration of life within 2 weeks for all his many friends and work contacts.  But it is now, this July 1st that we will have the most meaningful tribute.  We thought long and hard about what to do with his ashes, how to honor his wishes and our needs, and now we will carry it out.  It will just be a few of the people who knew Tom for who he really was, husband, father, brother, grandfather, best friend.  We will hike to a place from which we can see out over our town, forests he fought to keep green, a lake he loved: our home.  And we will scatter his ashes there, where we can go back time and time again and remember the person he was. 

You too will in time find a way to honor son.  We all do.  Great big hugs of understanding. 

Comment by anne on June 19, 2013 at 3:16pm

This sucks! I live across the street from a church. The church where the little 10 year old boy is being buried from. I want to run. You would think that after all this time I wouldn't react to these things. It just goes to show that time doesn't heal all wounds. Every time I turn around it seems there it is. I'm ok, I just don't like it in front of me. No matter what I do flashbacks happen. It leaves me with sadness and confusion. This will pass, but I sure don't like it. I think I should find somewhere else to go.

Comment by Vasanthi S on June 19, 2013 at 6:27am

Love to u all here .. the lord is omniscient and omnipotent-- please trust that--not saying it as some religious crap but saying it because i firmly know it..how? because with all the severe trials one goes through, it still doesn't take away the love from our equations--the love we feel for those not here with us just wont go away-- so i know that the most important thing now is to reach out and  give, give, give till it hurts-- so that we fill our life with ties of love and nothing else.Hope I'm understood.

Comment by toni m dicarlo on June 18, 2013 at 6:16pm

The sadness that is 24-7 has greatly affected my health, I went to greif counciling for a year and have a wonderful big sister that has been my life saver. Some days I think i'm ok but I cry every night in my sleep 2 years after Gabes death, i dream of him almost every nite and they are happy dreams of his childhood but I always wake up moaning out loud and crying 

Comment by Jane P on June 18, 2013 at 10:00am

Yes Adrianne we have all ended up in the same place but with different lengths of time. We must believe the messages we read that say we will get better. We will get to a place where our bodies can "handle" the grief. We must look after ourselves now or we won"t make it. Be kind to yourself as well as others. I wish you all only the best.

Comment by Adrianne Edgerly on June 18, 2013 at 2:02am

Reading all of your posts I find that though the words vary and situations are different than my own, we are all going through the same pain. I feel as if I'm not living in the moment at all anymore. Around the corner comes a memory, a quick stab of fear and another holiday of some sort without him. I know you all feel the same. Please keep writing. I don't know what I would do without all of you. Michelle, the former best friend is best left as former. She can't begin to understand your pain or why we need support from our loved ones. Significant unfinished business is making me sick. The finality of this. Never having another opportunity to fix anything left undone. Ammy, been crying also. For days. It gets so much harder. So much longer since we last saw him. I love your quotes. Sad that we all understand them so well.

Comment by Michelle H on June 17, 2013 at 7:46pm

Feeling overwhelmed with distress today. It started this morning when I got a Facebook notification that my formerly best friend had changed her profile picture. Seeing her smiling face didn't jive with the e-mail I got from her ending our friendship because I expressed hurt that she didn't come to my son's funeral or memorial mass. Then got sad thinking of significant unfinished business with my son that will never get taken care of. Piled on that was my frustration that my daughter-in-law seems to want nothing to do with my family since Chris died, so that is another loss. And on and on with other stress. I just wanted to run away from it all. My stomach is taking the brunt of my upsetting feelings.

Comment by Ammy on June 17, 2013 at 2:51pm

I am trying to get back a little peace for a bit. This past weekend was torture. Maybe the worst since our son left us. Crying for days and fighting back the tears - exhausting. His birthday was the 14th, mine the 16th, and Father's day all together.
We use to celebrate that weekend. Our family would all get together and go out for a big dinner and have a great time. Yesterday, my daughter wanted to take me and her dad out for dinner and at first I said no, but not to be the "party pooper" I finally agreed. As we were getting into the car my little granddaughter Gianna came with her gift and cards for me and PopPop. Dinner cancelled and we ordered take out instead. So relieved that we didn't go. I don't believe in coincidences. My daughter even commented something about us not meant to go.
Today I felt some of the weight lifted from me from this past week and I'm so grateful for these times when I don't feel so weighted down with sadness.
For those of you that are just starting this journey, the first year is a learning process with lots of testing, but eventually you will have times of relief, even if it is short lived. Keep going. You can make it. Besides sensing your pain , I also sense your strength.

I read a quote sometime in the last 2 weeks and have been wanting to post it. I think Norman Wright wrote it, but what it speaks of I feel we find it here where we all understand and do not judge.
“A bereaved person, no matter what his or her age, needs safe places, safe people, and safe situations.”

This from Howard Thurman is my feelings for all of you.
I share with you the agony of your grief, the anguish of your heart finds echo in my own. I know I cannot enter all you feel nor bear with you the burden of your pain; I can but offer what my love does give: The strength of caring, the warmth of one who seeks to understand the silent storm-swept barrenness of so great a loss. This do I in quiet ways, that on your lonely path you may not walk alone.

Be blessed. I pray this week will be kinder and gentler to all.      ♥

Comment by Ammy on June 17, 2013 at 12:32pm

Lorraine, I don't mean this in a bad way but I am pleased to see you here.  You may not believe me, but I have been thinking of you (and Sy) and hoping that you were doing okay.  Seems like quite awhile since you've posted.

We get so caught up in getting through each day that sometimes we don't notice when some is not around right away.  

The time just keeps passing by and I often wonder where it has gone because I (we) are still caught up in this life of grief now.  I was surprised when you said 5 years, but I am also surprised that it will be 3 years next month for me.  I don't feel the passing of time, it just does, and I just exist with a few breaks of normalcy here and there.

Anyway, I just want you to know that you and Sy weren't forgotten.  I do keep everyone in my prayers.

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