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Comment by Erica Farrimond on December 11, 2013 at 12:09pm

ILLUMINATING PERSPECTIVE

I had an illuminating experience at my doctor’s recently. The children had a tummy bug and our local GP was checking them out. Riley’s gurgling tummy confirmed it – yes they had gastroenteritis. I asked if there was much we could do to help them. Interestingly, the doctor then launched into a diatribe about the history of modern medicine.

“Well, the advice used to be to starve people with gastro and just give them fluids, but now after studying the starving people in African refugee camps, which are riddled with gastro, the general consensus is that feeding, rather than starving patients is more helpful to their recovery. So now we say, if they feel like eating let them eat, but just keep the fluids up.”

Then, as I was clearly quite fascinated with my history lesson, she continued “And if you ever need knee surgery, you’d go to Belfast, Ireland where surgeons have become experts at reconstructing knees. The IRA’s main punishment was and perhaps still is to shoot people’s kneecaps off so surgeons have become expert at repairing them.”

She must have had an open afternoon after our appointment because then she started telling me about the breakthroughs in medicine since World War II when plastic surgery was basically invented to help repair the massive burns to soldiers in combat.

The doctor finished off with one simple statement “God knows, what advances will come out of the Syrian conflict!” I don’t follow the news as I feel the focus is on the bad in the world, and I focus on the good, however, she posed an interesting question.

What she was saying is that all great tragedies throughout history have expanded knowledge, skills and awareness of our physical existence. We are now all better off in our lives because of these brave people who have gone before us and paved a better way.

We are all a part of the collective consciousness of the world. We are all part of the Universe and without our input, the world would stop ticking. We are part of it and can never be separated from it, just as our loved ones in spirit cannot ever truly be separated from us. We have our own important and unique perspective. Our lessons and growth add to the knowledge and wisdom of the whole.

So you and your tragedy of losing your loved one and me and my tragedy of losing my Lilygirl, at the risk of sounding “airy fairy”, are adding to the expansion of the Universe. It is not an insignificant thing.

We don’t know what will come out of the Syrian conflict and the answer is out of most of our hands, but we can choose what comes out of our own tragedy, and what impact we are going to have on the world. You are the hero in your life. I am the hero in mine and together, whether it feels like it or not right now, we are making the world a better and more expanded - place.

Lots of love. Erica Farrimond, author of best selling book, "Soothe Your Soul from Grief". To learn more go to amazon.com/author/grief

Comment by Connie K on December 11, 2013 at 11:35am

I can see why people say the 2nd year is the hardest. I think the shock is beginning to wear off. I am blessed to have messages from my son and I know he is okay. But I am becoming angry again with the boy who was driving the car. I thought I had put that to rest but damn it. How could he be so reckless and cocky? I only pray that he really has learned his lesson. I found out the other day from Daniel's girlfriend that the driver's brother had made the same stupid move before with them i the car!! So I guess, he was taught that passing on the shoulder on the road is okay!!!!!! So now I wonder if we did the right thing asking for leniency. He was charged with a felony and we asked to lessen charge to a misdemeanor because we didn't think jail would help anything. But on the other hand I feel like he got off too easy. I don't know, it's so hard to come to peace with. I know anger won't help me or anyone else so I will try to be forgiving in the spirit of the season. If only that would bring my sweet boy back...

Comment by Connie K on December 11, 2013 at 11:28am

Hello everyone. Thank you all for your support. I am struggling through these days and am going to be taking a trip to the East Coast to see my family. So that adds to the anxiety.  will be glad to be with my family but it is also hard because they really don't understand how we are feeling. And I am glad they don't have to. But it's so hard without Daniel. Just hurts so much. I know what you mean Dolly - I feel sick to my stomach every time I try to go to our storage space to get a few Christmas decorations out. Maybe just poinsettias and candles this year....sending hugs to you all.

Comment by Lynn Williams on December 10, 2013 at 5:22pm

Dolly I ask that question a lot everyday. I know we need to keep going for our spouses and remaining family. I can't believe how quickly feelings move in and out all day. My chest feels so tight, if I don't get the emotions out. I better get some exercise in tomorrow, snowed today and didn't feel like walking. Everyday seems the same. I feel the time going by without my participation.

Comment by Rosie Fletcher on December 10, 2013 at 6:12am

Teresa I agree.  It'll be 3 years for me this next March and the holidays always bring back the memories.  This pain never goes away.  It will always be a part of us.  A friend told me once, she had lost her daughter too.  She describes it as having a permanent hole in heart for the rest of your life.  It's learning to live with that missing piece of our hearts and just going with what each day brings.  When I'm sad I cry and when I'm happy I treasure it because of the fact that I can feel happy sometimes even with that hole in my heart.  Sending hugs to all of you who are going through this.  Each year, it does get a little bit better but also know there will be days where it becomes raw just like the first day. 

Comment by Teresa D. on December 10, 2013 at 6:00am

I just can't imagine a day when this does not hurt.  It's like the pain is now a part of me. Connie I'm with you.  It's been 15 months yet to me it feels like yesterday. The pain is still so raw. 

Ammy your words hit home with me today. 

Comment by Ammy on December 9, 2013 at 7:33pm

Hang on Connie.  I hate to say this but you will hit that wall more than once or twice.  You are coming to the end of your first year if I am correct, and the holidays are quickly approaching.  These individually throw us off, but yours are close together.  You will pick yourself up and start again, but you are not where you were before.  You are a little way down the path so you won't be starting at the beginning even though it may seem that way.  

Talk it out, write it out, shout it out.  Whatever helps you get through this time.

There are many here that are struggling with the first year.  Sometimes my heart really aches when I think of you all because I remember that first and second year and I don't ever want to repeat them.  Even after finishing my third year I slide down that hill into the valley, but it's not as often nor as hard.  Nothing can ever make it right again, but we learn to live this new normal as best we can and when we hit that wall or slide down that hill it's not as shocking as in the beginning.  We learn little ways to help us get through.  At least that has been my experience so far.

I hope you are already feeling a little less dazed from hitting that wall.  If I can help you in any way, just let me know.

Warm hugs.

 

Comment by Lynn Williams on December 9, 2013 at 7:15pm

I know what you mean Connie. The enormity of not having our child is unrelenting pain. My mind can't grasp the forever on earth concept. I want to so believe she is still living in Montana and I will see her at Christmas. Every day I still have those feelings if I died I could see her again. When I said it to my husband yesterday he said I couldn't lose you too. Life would be too lonely. I have been reading books on nDE's and trying to restore my faith that life is eternal. Lighting the candle last night was good for the soul, and I joined a prayer registry for children who passed before there time. Every day there are at least three children who past on a given day. It is sobering for me to not have grasped how many other parents have gone through this pain.

Comment by Connie K on December 9, 2013 at 6:41pm

I hit it. The wall. I feel like I'm at ground zero again.

Comment by Debi M on December 9, 2013 at 12:37pm

"This grief is like a vulture. It picks at your very soul at random without asking."   Wow, Mikad, that is exactly how I feel. I read your post and this quote just stays with me......

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