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Comment by anne on July 5, 2014 at 10:45pm

Dear Jane, your day will come. I know everything your feeling. I hate the fact that it takes so long to get to a good place. After my first journey I lost my job, and after that no one would hire me, and if they did, I couldn't do it. I tried, but I just couldn't. Trying is all you can do. This journey is the worst, and hardest I've ever had to travel. Even after all this time I still don't plan too far ahead. Some days I can't plan from hour to hour, but I think that's ok. I was committed, and that was the worst thing besides the death that happened to me. I do take Prozac faithfully every day. Just a small dose, but I got to say it really helps on those days that I want the world to stop so I can get off. This journey raises hell with the body too. Most doctors don't understand the physical ailments that comes with this kind of grief. I would get committed just for being in pain. Even though the pain was relieved after a simple surgery. I did find a good therapist that taught me skills, and ways of coping instead of dying. I hope you find that too. I see courage in every one here. Jane, you may not know it but you really do have strength, and courage. I see it in your writings. Not a lot of people can admit that they are at the end of the rope, but you did. Reaching out is difficult because those who have not walked in these shoes don't know, and couldn't possibly relate. We here have, and we can relate. Until I came to this site I kept a lot of this hell inside. I couldn't talk to many because of fear of being committed. Then I began to write. I keep journals. Some of which I would never let anyone see because they are so dark, but I'm glad I did because now I can look back, and if I can actually make heads or tails of my writings it reminds me of how far I have come. It's not a matter of pride because to tell the truth I wouldn't have done this if I'd been given a choice. It's a matter of wanting with all of my heart to one day be together again. That's why I work so hard. I don't know what's on the other side, but I also want to do my best to insure I get to go to heaven straight up! I believe God is good, and so far the more I go to him with my pain, and sorrow the more comfort I feel. I figure what the heck I've got nothing to lose! Much Peace, and Love to all of you! 

Comment by Jane P on July 5, 2014 at 12:48pm

Hi Lynn

Thank you for your message. Unfortunately I do not have a family. My Mom, Dad, Brother and sister have all passed away. I do have friends, good friends, we've been together for over 40 years. But I do not reach out, I am unable to, I don't know why. My "make up" does not allow me to share this kind of pain. No one knows what to say. I grieve alone. By choice. I don't know why but it's what I have to do. So I'm ok with being alone. I can break down whenever I need to.

I called a crisis line yesterday, they gave me 3 numbers to call. I have not yet called.

How do you share this with others? If I told them what really goes on, they would have me committed!

I really appreciate and am thankful that you are all so compassionate and understanding. I'm trying to pull myself out. I'm seriously considering going on the meds, I'm out of strength. I feel spent.

But I keep reading your messages to gain some strength.

I've been reading your blogs, I never knew they were there.

I'm trying.......................Thanks to all of you.

Comment by Lynn Williams on July 4, 2014 at 12:20pm

Jane I am so sorry you are dealing with so much pain. Like you I am 63 and retired from teaching a year ago. I can understand how vulnerable you feel. I live in rural Vermont but I found a support group and grief counseling through hospice. If there is no hospice check your closest hospital for groups. It truly has helped me to talk about it. Kyra died last August so I started counseling right away because I have had eposodes of major depresssion and anxiety before her death. Being on anti-depressants helped me from avoiding another debillatating depression. Grief is not the same as clinical depression, having experienceod both. Please seek help for yourself. You deserve a future and to have hopeful feelings again. Tuesday the 8th is Kyra's 27th birthday. The first I will experience without her physical presence. My husband and I traveled to Montana to be where she lived when she died. Kyra's sister and her half- brother and family are here too. Do you have any family or nearby friends to physically reach out to? We each have our own path to get through this hell and there is no more normal. Don't ever feel you are being selfish for asking for what you need. I wish I could put my arms around you and give you support. We are all here for each other when the crazies take hold and they do for us all. Believing there is life after death and I will see my beautiful girl again is the only thing that keeps me going. Sending hugs and support to everyone. Dolly and Connie, I hope being with family in MA. and NC supports and comforts both of you. You are an amazing people with such love and compassion you share with us all. Anne you are a wise sage who I would love to meet. Your words always give me hope. Kim thank you for sharing your son Shawn with us, it feels so good to hear about our children. Love to Theresa, Michelle for your understanding
And to all our children who have brought us together.

Comment by Connie K on July 4, 2014 at 11:51am

Jane you never have to apologize for expressing your feelings here. And it's never too late. I too have no job but feel I really need one to have something else to put my attention and energy towards. And it seems the only time I feel better is when I can do something for someone else. I hope you can find something in the world that can keep you in that can make you feel better if only for a moment. Then try to go to that often. Sending you love , hope and prayers

Comment by Jane P on July 4, 2014 at 9:54am

Oh Anne, you are such a beautiful person.

Your words are kind and compassionate and full of complete understanding. The kind of understanding that I don't have here at home.

I don't know what normal is. I know I need help but have nowhere to go. I don't want to take anti-depressants. I felt I should "feel" my pain. And I have, my body convulses, I throw myself in the bathroom until it passes. It is so intense, there is physical pain. I have to cry into the sink because my eyes are so swollen I can't touch them. I lock my doors, I don't answer the phone. I do not want to live the rest of my pathetic life like this. I can't. I know I'm loosing it. I can feel it, I am conscious of it.

But I can't get up. I have no more strength. I have been feeling like this for months. And now I just lay on couch watching mindless tv. The sun is shining, I have the drapes closed.

I am alone. My husband has given up on me. He was Danielle's step father. We have a trailer so he's living there.

I am 63. No job, no pension, no future. It's too late for me to make a new future.

I wanted to "live" when Danielle was here. We went to ball games, shopping, dinner etc. Now I do nothing. She was my joy, such a beautiful child and so funny. We would "belly laugh" with each other. I don't laugh anymore. I don't even smile.

I needed to say all this, I'm sorry.

I know you are all suffering. I feel selfish.

I needed to tell someone before I go crazy.

Thank you all for listening

Comment by anne on July 3, 2014 at 10:15pm

We are all going through things that are so normal for what we've been through. It may not seem like it right now, but I tell you that when I read all of your posts which I try to do everyday, I realize just how "normal" all of these hurdles, and feelings are for those of us who had no choice but to go through this horrible trauma. All the questions, second guessing, desperation, it's all a part of this journey that nobody wants to walk. My best friend has been time, and the love from those close to me. Should've, could've, would've, I believe goes through all of our minds, but it causes more pain, and suffering. Atleast it did for me. I was drowning in these questions that I couldn't do anything about. Hine sight is always 20/20. The Serenity Prayer said it best for me. I had to come to a point where I had to accept the things that I can't change. It's very difficult to do, but it can be done. Faith has played a major role in my survival. I lived for so long without it after my little boy burned to death in that damn car. I had faith before, but after, I was hell bent on never believing in anything ever again. Once the anger finally subsided I felt my faith return, and then it happened again, but this time I held on to my faith as hard as I possibly could. Even as angry as I was that it happened again, I knew that there had to be a God because I couldn't be that angry at something that didn't exist. When I finally came to a point where I was thinking more clearly, I felt in my heart, and soul that God did not do this to me. That was a turning point in my life. I had to ask myself this important question. What would be the purpose of God taking my children? I could not think of one answer. However I did come to the conclusion that life comes with no guarantees. Things are going to happen whether we like it or not. I have also discovered that life is what it is. Good, and bad, and not just to me, but to everyone. All we can do is love with all our hearts, cry when we need to, and do our best to help others with what we have learned. The thought that one day we will all be together again is one I hold on to. Some days I have to repeat that thought to myself over, and over just to survive one more day. I hope all of you know how important you are. Not just for all of us, but for those who come after us too, and sorry to say that there will be more after us. I wish for all of you Peace, Love, Understanding, and most of all Hope! You all mean the world to me. I gather strength every time I come here because you are all so willing to share. Grieving sucks no matter how you look at it, but at least we have each other. Nobody wants to belong to this group, but since it's one of those things we have no control over, I'm glad we have a place to go where we don't have to do this alone. Much Love to all of you!

Comment by Connie K on July 3, 2014 at 5:20pm

Dolly - there are a million choices that could have changed the outcome of that day. But change it how? That's the question we can't answer. It's not your fault. All of your intentions come from love and hope to make Brandon's life better. You can't carry that burden. It's a struggle I have every day also. But it's impossible to carry that pain. There will never be a resolution to the what if's. You loved him and did everything you could to make him happy and it shows in his smile.

Comment by Connie K on July 3, 2014 at 5:12pm

Jane - I have tried 3 times to respond to you. I am so sorry for the despair you are feeling and just don't want to say the wrong thing. What everyone has already said is all true. We are not sure why we are still here but I know that we all have our own destiny and love left to give. You were your daughter's caretaker through an extremely difficult and exhausting struggle. That takes a lot and I bet you could have a lot of compassion for others in the same situation. I know as my son's caregiver, I learned a lot that I can share with others going through what he did. We had to learn the hard way but now what we have learned, we have to share. Sharing love is all that really matters in this world. Please remember that we all love you and appreciate you. I would go crazy if I didn't have you all to talk to. You matter, your life matters and your daughter is still with you in spirit. I know that losing you would be heartbreaking to those who love you. I wish I could give you a hug in person.

Dolly - thinking of you and the stressful trip. I'm getting ready to finally see my family after over a year. I am already stressed that I won't be able to hold it together but oh well. We are who we are now and I can only hope they love me enough to accept however I have to grieve.

To them it seems like 18 months has gone by; to me it seems like yesterday. I still can't reconnect. I still have to take things a day, an hour at a time. After I come home, i will look for another job and try to put the pieces of me back into some sort of order. i need to do something that feeds my soul, and honors my son. I need to be needed. I know how you feel. It all hurts so bad. I'm sorry.

Funny thing -  I am getting my hair highlighted on Saturday too, leaving next Wednesday. Should I reconsider?!

Sending love and light to you all

Comment by Michelle H on July 3, 2014 at 12:24pm

Jane, Dolly, most of us know the desperation you're feeling. I'm sure most of us have either wished God would take us or even thought about doing it ourselves. I know the loneliness, the longing for our children. It doesn't make sense to us that they went first. It's not supposed to happen this way. But I do think that each of us has a purpose in this life that we haven't yet fulfilled, even though it may seem that there IS no purpose. I have to tell you both (and everyone else) that you ARE needed...here on this forum most definitely. It doesn't matter that we haven't met in person; we have a bond that most of us don't have with anyone else. We UNDERSTAND. And we hurt WITH you and FOR you as well as for ourselves. But we would hurt even more if one of our own decided to end it all. Please know that it really isn't the answer.

Comment by kim on July 3, 2014 at 11:55am

girls, we all feel useless and empty anymore. we live for our children, now we have love them, the love of our lives, we are question every day, everything we ever did for them. I have lost very good long time friends after shawn went away, but now I know they really were not my friend. us either, I never laugh or smile any more, and you know what ( I REALLY DONT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THEM EITHER ) if they cant understand what im going through and cant be here for me, well there  NOT WORTH IT . I feel the people in here are my good friends now. you let me talk, you let me cry and pour my heart out. that is a true friend and family. we all want to go with our kids and I hope soon  I can. I know we are in unbearable pain dolly, jane everyone .  we can cry together we can be here for eachother, I to am dieing inside, please lets help each other, it will take the rest of my life to get through this and I know for everyone else to. but  WE DO HAVE EACHOTHER  to help us.  you are all now my friends and my family,  we all share  something very very  heartbreaking, we do need eachother now more then ever.  hugs to you all love kim

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