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Comment by Lynn Williams on August 6, 2014 at 8:22am

Rachel, I am so sorry you have had to join us here. The death of your child is the worst pain any person will ever go through. I am glad you found the site and hopefully it will offer you support and comfort knowing you are not alone. I lost my 26 year old daughter Kyra in a car accident last August 17th, so the first anniversary of her death is fast approaching. Right after Kyra's death I wanted and prayed to die, so I could be with her.  I felt like I was going crazy and I would never climb out of the deep pit.  All of what you are feeling is so normal; the shock and disbelieve are so hard to grasp. Two weeks ago our family went back to Montana to where she was a farmer to celebrate her birthday.  It was only then that I started to realize she was physically gone from my life.  The yearning and loneliness are the worst in the beginning, I still cry everyday and pray she is safe and happy in heaven.  Knowing that I will see her again when I die keeps me going. I never thought last September that I would still be here a year later.

I started grief counseling soon after Kyra died and joined a monthly group of other mother's who also lost a child. Both have helped me sort my new life out and not feel so alone.  For me, when I don't let the tears or emotions out I get real anxious.  I still have waves of crippling sadness but I know now they will pass. We are here for you Rachel any time you need us. Much love Lynn   

Comment by Rachel on August 6, 2014 at 3:32am

My world was turned upside down almost 2 months ago. My daughter, my only child was killed in an auto-accident. She was 27, with a bachelors degree in Education. I was so proud of her. She was the only beauty in my life. She was so beautiful, I couldn't believe how pretty she was. Receiving that dreaded call about the accident that Monday morning at work was just so surreal. I didn't know how to act. I know I felt tears come down my face but I couldn't cry. I refused to beleive it was her. The days following are just a blur. I miss her so much, I just want to hear her voice so bad, I want to hold her, talk to her. I want so much to dream her. I still haven't been able to cry for her. It just doesn't seem real. I'm terrified to give in. Giving in will make it REAL. I'm a single parent; her father was absent her whole life. It was just her and I only. My immediate family has been very supportive but I'm alone in this; in so many ways. I'm not married and "my" little family is no more. I can't have anymore children and I will NEVER have grandchildren. My faith has become almost Non-existent!!!!! And I feel no one understands!!!! People keep comparing my grief to their grief of losing a parent. I don't see the connection????? When I start to have episodes I try SO HARD to repress them. I try to think or do something else to make me laugh. It's not fair!!!! I'm getting ready to start grief counseling. I'm so scared. The word "Alone" has a new meaning for me now in so many ways.

Comment by Davi Burford on August 5, 2014 at 6:56pm

Kim, on the 7th will be the 8 month mark for me, I know he was not my only child and I can't even imagine that, but I too wish Dylan would come to me in my dreams I ask him everynight PLEASE!!! and to no avail no dreams. 

Comment by kim on August 5, 2014 at 6:59am

today is 9 months since my only child my son shawn went away,  it hurts so bad, I miss him with all my heart. it feels like yesterday, god I remember  that last day. worse day of my life. I pray every night to go with him, and when I wake up im still here , and so pissed. I cant take much more, it hurts like nothing you ever felt before, tears tears and more tears. I have not had a dream of anything since he went away, I ask him every night to come to my dreams, but nothing.  why has he left me here why?   

Comment by Linda on August 4, 2014 at 3:39pm

I've never sleep so much before in my life. i'm at the near 5 month mark of losing my only child and I think i'm now entering the depression phase....

Comment by Connie K on August 2, 2014 at 2:41pm

Beautiful picture Dolly.

Comment by Lynn Williams on August 2, 2014 at 11:39am

The fungi are beautiful Dolly and your artistic additions are lovely. Davi I understand what you are saying. The past few days have been rough for me too. On August 17 th it will be the first anniversay of Kyra's death. Going to a grief counselor and a Mother's grief group let me vent emotions and realize that what we all feel is normal. Last weekend my husband and I went kayaking. I realized at some point it was the same lake we put in our boats for the last time in September 2013. All the memories of Kyra's death and how I was feeling that first month came flooding back, but I was able to see how far I have come. I still cry most every night before I fall asleep but I do feel the warm glow that she is with me. Pulling weeds and mulching other peoples gardens is the only work I am capable of doing now, but it brings me peace and closer to my girl. I am crying as I write this. May we all find a little comfort this weekend.

Comment by kim on August 2, 2014 at 11:29am

omh dolly, I would have to move, im so afraid of them , hell I run when I see a worm.  the deer would be beautiful,  hugs  kim

Comment by Davi Burford on August 2, 2014 at 11:08am

i am missing Dylan sooo much today, cant stop crying and i havnt cried in weeks which was making me feel like something else was wrong. people say they are angry with GOD over this loss but i dong ferl angry just very hurt almost like betrayal, and i know in my heart my God would not do that but i wont go back to church yet because of this feeling, i ask to please pray for me

Comment by Dolly on August 2, 2014 at 10:57am

thank you kim...it always makes me smile in my heart when something beautiful like this happens...also the deer have started to come out into the field in front of the mountain house and often look up at us when we are playing music.. they don't seem a bit afraid or disturbed by the music and come quite close.. to the bottom of the hill in front... BUT we also got a shock when we went upstairs [which we close up in winter] and found a LONG snake skin had been shed in our closet over the rod... a black snake who came in for the mice I guess... I wondered where all the mice had gone... but we aren't too worried because black snakes are territorial so I've been told, and should keep the rattlers at bay, and also I think it might be the same snake... or a relative... that twice came down the railing beside us on the back porch a year or so ago when we were playing music out there... she was docile and not the least afraid of us or threatening... so I guess we now have a WATCH SNAKE.... never thought THAT could happen...

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