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Comment by Maureen on February 5, 2015 at 9:14am

Thank you Teresa. I'm trying. I don't want to be angry or offended, although I think it's easier than feeling guilty. I also have a 3 year old son and I run a home daycare which is a welcome distraction during the day most of the time. But then at night, I just don't sleep. I think in the last 2 weeks I had 2 nights of sleep. 

Comment by Teresa D. on February 5, 2015 at 7:29am

Maureen, I know for me in the first year I kept waiting for someone to tell me magic words that would make all this easier but those words never came.

If we told you this will go away some day we would be lying to you.  I can only tell you what others told me and that is in time you will learn to manage it.  I'm no expert at managing it but I get it now. I'm learning to do that.  My fake face cracks now and then but not as much as it use to. My grief has become more private now.

Unless they walk in your shoes they have no clue what we are experiencing. I use to get angry at some of the things said to me, but now I smile and walk away cause I know they just don't get it.

Right now this all feels impossible but I promise you while it's a long road we will all be here to support you, share with you and listen to you. 

For me I didn't see my progress until I saw someone else come in behind me. While I want no one to come behind me it was those who helped me see my progress.   

Comment by Maureen on February 4, 2015 at 7:48pm

I lost my oldest baby Oct. 31, 2014. He was 21 and died of a drug overdose. Losing a child is just not comparable to anything. I get offended when people say they know how I feel. He struggled with drug addiction since his early teens. I just can't get past all the guilt I feel about the state of our relationship, and well...there's just too much to go into. Someone please tell me things will be okay someday.

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on February 4, 2015 at 2:10pm

Somebody asked me yesterday if "I was better".

How totally stupid is that? I'm not sick.

Comment by Connie K on February 4, 2015 at 10:48am

Vasanthi I also struggle with that idea that sorrow is perpetuated by our thoughts. One of the Vedante principles I am learning. What I struggle with is the fact that I can understand that if you allow yourself to dwell on thoughts of all the horrors, they will overcome you. That is why meditation is so important to quiet your mind and try to allow some peace to enter. The problem is not my thoughts (which I admit can absolutely cause me to spiral into a puddle and retreat.) It's the feelings. The feeling of hollowness, emptiness, no motivation, despair. How do we  control how we FEEL?!!! How do you explain that hole in your heart to those who have not lost or even had a child? How do I find my "purpose" in life now and move forward when I feel like I just want to go back and have a do-over? How do I find peace with the fact that I will never see that sweet face again or get that hug? So far, I don't. All I can do is try to do things in this world that would make him proud of me but don't think I'm doing a very good job right now. I'm trying to keep my heart open give my friends and family love. But I feel like I'm running out of steam. I want my son back. that is all.

Comment by Teresa D. on February 4, 2015 at 6:15am

The support of this room is beautiful.  THANK YOU!!!!

Michael mommy loves you. Everyday I miss you more and more!!!!!

Comment by Vasanthi S on February 3, 2015 at 3:11pm

I am with you all. I put on a mask everyday too and most days am alone at home and that's when it truly hits me that life has become unbearable.

I could have managed all challenges with my son being there and many many things which have happened since would never have happened. I have been trying to somehow make everything work out fine but I really don't think a day will come when it gets easier. 

They say sorrow is build up by one's thoughts, and identifying with those thoughts but I do not know how not to identify when the very basis of it is that my son is a huge part of anything that i am. Only death will prove to be fine because as long as I live I will have ti love without my son. The years stretch before me and it is horrendous.I am certainly feeling very low and even on the days that I am not all I can manage is to push insistent thoughts away.

When people ask me whether I have children all i can say is that 'we' ,meaning my husband and me do not have any children but i always feel like I am a traitor and betrayer of everything I ever held dear and close to my heart. How the hell to live like this?

Comment by Connie K on February 3, 2015 at 2:41pm

Teresa I feel just the same. I wonder when the day will come that this is easier. Sometimes I feel like all I am doing is keeping myself from just going insane.
A friend of mine just called to tell me his son died of a heart attack. he was 25. He was a heroin addict but my friend has been in denial about it saying he seemed better and that he didn't think he was doing drugs. They found amphetamines and heroin in his system. he wants to have the service at the same place I had my sons. I offered help however I can. I hope I can. but you said it Teresa, I too feel so lost in this world. Everything seems all upside down. I just can't wait to sleep every day and then I wake up at 4 and its turmoil in my mind til I get up and put in that mask. how I hate that mask. How I hate trying to seem okay

Comment by Connie K on February 3, 2015 at 1:58pm

I am right there with you all. This time of year seems to be especially hard. I cried so hard last night when my thoughts go to never ever seeing him again. My whole being screams NOOOOOOOOOO.
Yes we may learn how to handle this grief better but the pain remains the sane. In fact the longer I dont see him the Harder it is. Oh to hold our sweet valentines. Our truest love, our most precious love. It was my husbands birthday yesterday and it always is so hard. I know how sad he was not to have his boy. I think there are ebbs and flows. I'm with you Lynn I need a retreat

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on February 3, 2015 at 10:56am

Teresa, you are saying how I feel exactly.  Each day seems to be getting harder.  I cried so much yesterday, the pain is getting deeper. The thought that I'll never see my sweet baby again is making me beyond sick.  I'm so busy at work and I can't focus either.  I just don't know why he couldn't have asked for help.  I want him so much.  Yesterday I was thinking I took him candy on Valentines Day last year when he was at rehab and he was so happy.  I'll never be happy again. How could he do this.

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