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Comment by Dolly on May 3, 2015 at 9:33am

Lord please send help to Jill and her family.. please help her son and his tutor strike up a harmony that will let her son understand and profit from this person's help.. please secure his job so he can let go of the fear of losing it.. but mostly Lord please send Jill some reassurance that her dream does not mean her son is mad at her or hates her.. let her know in her heart that her son is safe with You and is waiting for her in happy anticipation that one day they will be reunited.. root out all thoughts from Jill that lead her down into the depths of depression... lift her up from her bed of sorrows and give her the confidence that You have her son and she doesn't need to worry about him anymore.. and give her the confidence to live her life that is left to her with some happiness and hope.. in Your name I pray amen

Comment by Rj on May 3, 2015 at 9:29am

Jill, you are being so hard on yourself. I know it is easy to do. I have been trying to read as much as i can and all say we must be gentle with ourselves, somehow, some way. You are carrying so much, i am so sorry you are dealing with so much torment. Are you going to any type of counseling or on any medication? I finally did get some meds and they have helped, just takes the edge off which is what i needed. Its a pretty spring day here in ohio but i am having a hard time getting motivated...my grass is knee deep and flower beds have been so neglected but as i recall the words...be gentle, dont rush myself, do only what i can do today and try again tomorrow.

Comment by Jill E on May 3, 2015 at 9:09am

I had a dream of Josh last night, the first time I remember having one and it did not leave me feeling good. I woke up in the middle of the night and kind of remembered it and I don't know why but it was not a good feeling. Now this morning I can't remember it but feel horrible that I can't remember it and try to figure out why he was mad at me or what was wrong. I feel horrible. He is mad at me I know it. I want to say I am sorry for whatever I did or whatever was wrong in the dream. I want to go back to sleep and find out (not likely to wish myself to dream that dream again) but on the other hand I feel frightened-he hates me or I can't help him with what is wrong like I couldn't before. I feel like crap. Definitely a "bed" day. I hate life. And my youngest is so dcared about losing his job, which is not helping me and can't help him either. We got him a tutor but he is having such a hard time even with the tutor. I hate life. WYWH

Comment by Rj on May 2, 2015 at 8:02pm

Dear jill i feel so bad for you....as if losing josh is not enough, you have to deal with this. Why are people so heartless when you need them the most

Comment by Jill E on May 2, 2015 at 6:39pm

Thank you Sharon and Dolly. TheBenefir has a Facebook page so I asked if anyone there could post pictures. Sarah would never had told me that the were dedicating it to Josh. I guess no one would have told me except for the "accidental slip". I feel like Sarah has poisoned all of Josh's friends against me. I want to yell it to the roof tops that there is 2 sides to every story and sometimes more. I think she is an alcoholic herself and I will never understand how she did not see his skin yellowing, stomach bloating, the empty glasses...I could go on and on. If she had asked for help...she must not have wanted help then she would have been found out too???? And she does not want to give up her beverage of choice. Damnit she said they fought about his drinking for2 years...she had to know there was a problem...I did not get a chance to help him, not even a slight chance...
Life sucks, I miss my Josh more each day...saw his name yesterday at a store that does engraving, then later our waitress's name was Sarah. Needless to say dinner was not so great...
Please , please Joshie don't hate me because Sarah does, please. I feel so guilty, guilty about everything including me living while you are gone... WYWH

Comment by Dolly on May 2, 2015 at 6:19pm

Jill I'm so sorry for you.. do you think the local paper would be taking pictures of the event? Maybe someone at the paper would help you get pictures.. I don't know why people tear into grieving mothers... they seem to though.. its as if they can sense our defenselessness... we have nothing left to stand up for ourselves with.. we just have to take it... maybe they think we deserve it.. I don't know.. but its not right you can't have some memories of you own son... he was your son long before he was anything to that wife of his.. and no matter what he will always be your son... she may find another husband but you will never have son until you go to him one day... doesn't she have a heart?  I am going to pray for God to bless her.. that strangely works sometimes.. I've done it with people I just would rather clobber with a bat.. but I can't do that ... and my friend said to me that I should try blessing them instead because it somehow made it so things would or could change... some other trick up God's sleeve I guess... but the times I tried it seemed to bring good results....

Comment by Sharon on May 2, 2015 at 5:47pm

Jane, I'm so sorry about your sweet Danielle.  I feel the same way. I used to be afraid of death, but now I welcome it.  I just want to see my son again and be free of this awful pain and suffering that is our new "normal".  I know that I have to stay around for my other children and husband, but I am not afraid.

Jill, that is such a hurtful thing that your daughter in law is doing!  I can't believe that she is still doing such horrid things! I am so sorry.

Comment by Sharon on May 2, 2015 at 5:33pm

Rj, how's the shortness of breath? Better?

I know, counselor told me that sometimes its get worse as time goes by because we realize that they are not coming back... I miss my son so much. I still wake up every day and feel like I'm waking up from a nightmare.

Comment by Jill E on May 2, 2015 at 3:53pm

Well one more blow to my heart. This weekend in Sacramento they (VW club that Josh was a member of)are having a fund raiser for a therapeutic horseback riding group that my youngest coincidentally participated in 20 years ago. It is held yearly and we attended a couple of times with Josh and my daughter-in law. Anyway I was called by one of Josh's friends (by accident-thought he was calling my Daughter-in-law) I found out the there will be a procession of about250 VWs with my Joshie's VW leading the way. No one told me and dedicating it to my son. I asked him ( the guy that called me if he could send me some pictures because Sarah is not talking to me. Well he acted all put out and told me that was between Sarah and me. He was almost rude and indignant. So then I texted the friend of Josh's that I was always close to (the one Sarah is going to Hawaii with) and asked if she could take pictures for me. Well her answer was I only have my phone. Then like a dumb sh** I tried to text Sarah. Well still blocked. Then I emailed her, just to ask for pictures of the event. (I guess I am a gluten for punishment) then shortly after my email I emailed her back, to explain that I should not have asked her. I need to let go because she is killing me. I worry Josh is mad at me. I have apologized and apologized. She will never forgive me. I will never have any rememberances of Josh. She won't let me have any. Just because I asked for something before we moved and she gave me stuff that was not "Josh". I have apologized so many times but my sobbing to her over the phone (had to leave voicemail) it,
hurting so badly she never returned my call never accepted the countless apologizes blocked me from everything. I was and am just behaving like a grieving mother.
When I post here I don't know how to stop my rambling. WYWH

Comment by Rj on May 2, 2015 at 1:50pm

Amazing how our joy, happiness and love for life has stopped. 3 months yesterday since larrys passing. I just dont understand, how i can feel worse with time, not better at all. I feel myself being more comfortable isolated. I dont feel like conversation, i just want to be alone. God i miss him so much

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