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Comment by Connie K on November 13, 2015 at 8:16pm

Thank God someone understands. it is such a ridiculously hard reality to live. And no one gets it. Today my sweet neighbor had her Girl Scout troup work on Daniels garden at his old elementary school. Ther were a few ladies who were there helping and not one said I'm sorry for your loss. but one did say " Oh I remember him. my husband is a teacher at his high school, and it's always so hard when they lose a member of their student body." Really? he wasn't even at that high school anymore when he passed because he HATED it! I wanted to say I'm so sorry for your husband (who didn't even know my son). Why can't people just say one sentence that acknowledges our grief? Count down to Dec 1. I gues after 3 years I am still very angry.....

Comment by Vasanthi S on November 13, 2015 at 5:21pm

Ditto Tony m dicarlo..... everyday , everyday I feel  what you say... that " this is not my life, I was a content woman, happy with the closeness that

I had with Shreyas my son, was enjoying my work in education and loving the  successes of Shreyas in his work and life, marveling that we went through a lot and yet this boy was such a golden boy, kind and wonderful.I am not saying his because he is not here and am seeing everything with a halo around him. He was such a boy who warmed my heart and all around him. Even when i posted that poem I thought "oh god its almost 4 years this Dec and I am still around grappling with a new reality, how maaany years more cos I just do not know how to live life well anymore. Neither do I feel enthusiasm for any day nor do I feel real Joy. all I feel is a deep hurt and pain. I try going out during those times which will bring on more sorrow like his birthday etc but while its an escape , its only outwardly that I have escaped. Deep within its a struggle, a struggle for some semblance of normalcy. I am again dreading December ,actually I dread every day and no one around me understands this or maybe its just me who no longer understands anyone..... but here my dearest friends I am at least able to grieve.

Comment by Tammy black(Zendt) on November 13, 2015 at 4:24pm

It's been 15 months since we lost Amanda. I'm finding myself turning my pain into numbness. That's the only way I get through my day. I'm not sure if that's a good thing or not??

Comment by toni m dicarlo on November 13, 2015 at 4:05pm

After 4 years I have stopped thinking I will wake up from the nightmare but I still say this is not MY life. Gabriel would be 20 now.

Comment by kim on November 13, 2015 at 8:35am

Vasanthi, that is a beautiful poem, I say that everyday to my son shawn, if I knew he needed my heart I would have givin it to him. I ask everyday why him and not me. to lose the love of my life is so unbearable.  and now again  x mas is coming, we gave everything away. there will never be  x mas here in my home in my life . we all feel so empty without our babies, no matter there age there our babies forever. I just pray every day to be with him, I do feel we are in hell, pain like we have never felt before.  thank you all for being my friends and my family.  I know shawn is here with me , I just want so much to hear, and feel him. im praying for you all. hugs  kim

Comment by Jesse's Mom on November 12, 2015 at 10:51am

Vasanthi, thanks for sharing the poem for your son.

If only they had asked me,
If I would take your place,
I would have done so willingly,
Leaving you this world to grace.

How I wish I would have given the chance to leave instead of him...the world is a cold and grey place now...

As there are many moms here who are in their third year of loss, reading here gives me an idea of "what to expect" on this journey of grief. In some ways, it brings me comfort to know that my feelings of being shattered forever in this life is shared and understood by this group of bereaved. There are only a few places where this kind of pain can be shared honestly.

Comment by Connie K on November 11, 2015 at 9:29pm

Vasanthi your poem is so beautiful. Thanks for sharing. hugs

Comment by Teresa D. on November 11, 2015 at 8:24am

Vas....of course that poem brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for sharing it.

Jill your not alone and your not insane. I also have pains doctors can't document and my short term memory disappears when I'm the most stressed.  I remember in the first year I would run all over the house searching. I would empty drawers, dig in closets and search the basement and shed.  My fiancé would ask me what I was looking for. I would just stand there and cry and tell him "I don't know what I'm looking for but if I keep searching I might find it." Made no sense right? I stopped doing that but it took me time.  And no I never found "it", whatever "it" was.

Also Jill I get your concern for Derek. There was a day when my daughter freaked out on me and told me how I wanted her to wear body armor and a helmet and never leave the house.  I'm so scared of it happening again....she was right.

Connie I hope your okay.   I'll be thinking of you and saying a prayer for you.

 

Comment by Vasanthi S on November 11, 2015 at 8:04am

No day is easy, reading all your posts, feeling less alone because I know I'm understood. Like Teresa and Connie and others for whom some time has passed, I too feel I'm getting a grip on things and then the grief and loss hits me and I just need to face that things are different yet I refuse to even acknowledge deep in me that my darling son is not here . I just WANT him back, he was and is everything to me.Does God really think its ok?

Comment by Vasanthi S on November 11, 2015 at 7:55am

found this poem and had wanted to share it, for my darling son from 'ummy' as you loved to call me.

I only have a picture now,
A frozen piece of time,
To remind me of how it was,
When you were here and mine.

I see your smiling eyes,
Each morning when I wake,
I talk to you, and place a kiss,
Upon your darling face.

How much I miss you being here,
I really cannot say,
The ache is deep inside my heart,
And never goes away.

I hear it mentioned often,
That time will heal the pain,
But if I'm being honest,
I hope it will remain.

I need to feel you constantly,
To get me through the day,
I loved you so very much,
Why did you go away?

The angels came and took you,
That really wasn't fair,
They took my one and only Son,
My future life, My heir.

If only they had asked me,
If I would take your place,
I would have done so willingly,
Leaving you this world to grace.

You should have had so many years,
To watch your life unfold,
And in the midst of this,
Watch me, your Mum grow old!

I hope you’re watching from above,
At the daily tasks I do,
And let there be no doubt at all,
No force in the universe can pry away my Love for you.

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