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Comment by Patty on October 10, 2016 at 1:24pm

I'm feeling so especially depressed today.  My sister called with the wonderful news that my brother-in-law (her husband) is in complete remission from stage 4 prostate cancer.  It is truly wonderful news and I love my brother-in-law.  They are over the moon obviously.  But as I was listening to her I realized once again that for the rest of my life I will never have "over the moon" news.  Never.  And I really understand what Jesse's mom is talking about.  A piece of mail addressed to Caitlin destroys me.  A phone call for her would do me in.  It's like a blazing sign that says "She's not here anymore".   And I agree with her that for some mourners there is no leveling out.  I am one of those people.  I will never have peace with this.

Comment by Jill E on October 9, 2016 at 5:12pm

My Joshie should be here watching his Dallas Cowboys win. He would be so excited. I can hear him yelling for his team in my head. He deserved to be here, enjoying life. It is not fair. It is unbearable not to be able to pick up the phone and hear his voice. Feel a hug or hear him tell me "I love you Mommas". WYWH my Joshie I miss you more every single day.

Comment by Jesse's Mom on October 9, 2016 at 4:47pm

It is going on 4 years tomorrow since my beautiful son Jesse transitioned. Two days ago someone who knew him called my house phone and asked for him. I just lost it. The man did not realize my son had passed and when I told him he quickly hung up. I could hear the cheeriness in his voice as he thought he was going to talk with my son. Jesse affected many like that...I think it put him into shock to learn Jesse was gone. I went out side and cried until I threw up.

My husband just called and said, do you want to go to Jesse's grave site?

What kind of future is this??

My chest has been hurting again and feels sort of bloated. This was how it was in the beginning too.

I think for some mourners, there is no leveling out...I just don't see it as being possible for me.

Comment by Patty on October 7, 2016 at 10:25pm

Judith, I'm so sorry you had to become a part of this sad club.  Your situation is heartbreaking.  Like Jill said, we truly understand all of the terrible emotions you are having.  I lost my 20 year old daughter in a motorcycle accident involving a drunk driver.  She is my only child.  Please don't blame yourself.  Don't go down that road.  This is not your fault.  I am also having bad dreams.  I really understand wanting to be alone and being lonely at the same time.  My daughter has been my whole life since the day she was born and that is still the case.  I know I will see her again and you will see your son again as well.  I send you a hug and my prayers for peace.

Comment by Jill E on October 7, 2016 at 10:04pm

I am so sorry Judith. I truly understand. I lost my 33 year old son-it will be 2 years on December 7th. This is hell, but we are all here for you, we listen, we care. I have ranted and raved and cried my heart out here. I am so thankful I found this safe place. I send you love and hugs.

Comment by Judith Borenin on October 7, 2016 at 9:46pm

Here goes.  My 32 year old son lived with me.  I knew he was seeing a girl who was toxic.  One morning, before I went to work I discovered he had been taking pictures outside convinced that there were 3 cougars outside the door.  I should have realized he was freaking out, but he always could convince me of anything.  I went to work.  He sometimes disappeared for several days so I didn't think anything of it until I was awakened by the sheriff at 9:30.  He asked me if Ethan had a toxic waste tattoo on his arm.  I said yes.  He said Ethan had been found dead.  He was trapped inside a storage unit under  a bed in his girlfriend's trailer where he suffocated.  He had been under the bed for 3 days and his body was too decomposed for me to see.  After two months of investigation the case was finally closed with a conclusion of accidental death due to lethal overdose of methamphetamines.  I am a 64 year old single mother with another older son.  It just keeps getting worse from waiting to get his phone and wallet and detective's report to the everyday horror of it all.  I have to work so I do the best I can but I don't care much to work.  At home I just sit for hours unable to move or binge watch TV series on Amazon streaming.  I am a poet and have written some about this hell but I don't care much about my writing right now either.  Now I am convinced that I was too oblivious of Ethan's condition and should have intervened somehow.  I am inconsolable.  Dreams are bad. I just want to be left alone but go crazy with loneliness.

Comment by Patty on October 4, 2016 at 12:45pm

Hugs to you all 

Comment by Jill E on October 3, 2016 at 4:03pm

I so agree Patty. I truly am with you on every word you say. Thank you

Comment by Patty on October 3, 2016 at 1:35pm

I'm sure we all feel like the absence is spread over everything.  Our children are everywhere we look.  They are in our heads and in our hearts.  Caitlin has always been the biggest part of my life and this absence does not change that one bit.

Comment by Jill E on October 3, 2016 at 12:46pm

Thank you for sharing that quote. WYWH My Joshie.

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