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Comment by Jesse's Mom on September 5, 2014 at 3:49pm

Coming up on my sons second angelversary...I never thought that I would have to face the death of another one of my children again...

 

Ann E., your son was an honorable young man...I am sorry he lost his life in service to his country...

 

Comment by Ann Edmondson on September 5, 2014 at 1:05am

Rachael ~ you are not alone. We all have days, weeks, months where we seem to hit the lowest of lows. I spent an entire year doing anything so that I would not have to think about the loss of my son. I couldn't understand why God had taken him (he was my youngest). I felt that there were times too when God was not there for me and I would literally cry out asking where He was. That is when a friend gave me a copy of the "Footsteps in the Sand" along with a little pin that looked like footsteps. I wear this daily to remind me that when I feel that God is not there is when He is carrying me through the difficult times. The poem by Zell is beautiful as well.

Comment by Ann Edmondson on September 5, 2014 at 12:54am

Christine ~ I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your daughter. Here you will find that you can be yourself. Feel free to share your bad days the most as we have all been there. We here all know what it is like to have to "put on a face to others". But also know that those who truly care and love you will not expect that of you. Try to bear that in mind. You will find that eventually you will remember your daughter with more happy times than dwelling on the newness of the loss of her. Keeping you in my prayers ~ Ann

Comment by Christine brown on September 5, 2014 at 12:42am

I lost my daughter three weeks ago,she died in her sleep of a heart attack,she was only 41, I never got to say goodbye,just trying to get through each day ,finding it so hard ,putting a face on to everyone ,but falling to bits inside

Comment by Rachel on September 4, 2014 at 4:32am

Dear friends, it's been a few days since I was last here. I am and have been sinking into such a deep depression and anger. No one understands. It just seems like things have just gone from bad to worse and even more worse from there. People say I'm just having a pity party for myself. And that "I" have shut my self away from everyone. Only because "I" don't call or text anyone anymore. That I'm waiting for them to text me. Seriously???? Is this for real? I don't know what to think anymore???? All I do now is go to work come home and go to bed. I just wish it was "MY TIME". Everything that ever mattered to me is gone. Everything and everyone I ever loved is gone. I just want to die. Nothing matters anymore. I hurt and I cry now all the time. I can't sleep and all I do is EAT. I feel as though God just abandoned me. What's left? Where do we go from here?

Comment by Connie K on September 3, 2014 at 9:31pm

Kim how r U?

Comment by Vasanthi S on September 3, 2014 at 7:14pm

So much to say and have been reading the posts. Dolly, I went through the link and at least we feel some peace and hope reading it. Again I am sure those who pass on are fine and it is for the ones here that we need to hold on firm to faith. I feel lost almost everyday without my son.The other day some friends came over and she said 'you must be excited going back home. i said yes its nice that I will meet my parents soon and my friends too. Then she said 'since you are newly married your cousins, aunts etc will invite you both for dinner etc. I wanted to remind her that I have had a huge tragedy and really am in no mood to sit and laugh and giggle like some newly wed. I realised that it would appear churlish and that I take offense nowadays very quickly as I am the one who is sore inside. I had to tell myself for others its like its almost 3 years so they feel 'now she is ok' Will I ever be ok? I don't know. I just know that my heart is aching, I miss ?Micks and his gentle ways and his humour and love.

What a lovely poem was put up here and it made me want to sit and weep my heart out. 

thank you Connie for your wishes. I will leave on Sunday night and reach on Monday night. My husband will follow later and leaving him alone too I feel bad as he didn't want me to go alone and then I kind of insisted as I needed time alone at home first. But its ok as he will be there after 20 days.

love u all xoxoxox

Comment by Connie K on September 3, 2014 at 4:05pm

Ammy - nice to hear from you. I can so relate to your analogy of this "school' we are in. I feel so very much like what you describe. Sometimes, I feel like okay I am doing it, I am dealing okay with it, I am growing and moving. Then bam! I fail the pop quiz and lose it for days! Just find myself back in a pit of misery. Then, as someone else said the other day, we have to crawl out of that pit - and lay in the mud out of exhaustion. So once again , I am crawling out of the abyss and trying to study up for the next "test". I am so grateful that I have music in my life. It seems to make time go away and I always feel like it transcends the this world and the other. I do believe my son hears me sing to him and his dad play piano.

LR -  I understand your numbness also. So sorry for your infant's passing also. I understand the not wanting to know. It took me a long time to finally ask the sex of my baby because I just didn't know how to handle it or what to do or who to turn to so I kept it inside. But I had already picked out her name so I guess somewhere in my soul, I knew. And I also can't look too far ahead and I feel bad about that because I am having a hard time making any significant plans for what I am going to do workwise after my final surgery on my arm this November. A day at time is about all I can handle. As long as it's not too busy!!   I appreciate all of you here and don't know what I would do without your support. Love and peace to everyone.

ps Vasanthi - I am thinking of you and hope you have a safe trip this week.

Comment by Jesse's Mom on September 3, 2014 at 3:17pm

Ammy, thank you for sharing...I am coming up on the second angelversary of my son's death...I cannot think past the day yet....time has become an elusive thing...sometimes everything seems like yesterday, but yet other things seem so far away...

 

Connie, thanks for sharing your poem for your little girl baby, Emily Rose...that is a very pretty name...

I just passed the angelversary of my infant son who passed at six weeks, Taylor was in August...it is odd because I cannot remember the exact date, I never wanted to know, just one more day to add to my "sad" calendar...I tried so hard to protect Jesse, and yet I failed again....

Comment by Ammy on September 3, 2014 at 11:36am

Connie, that was beautiful in its own way.  It describes our grief life, especially in the beginning years.  Thank you for sharing the poem and your story with us.  I'm sorry you are reliving those times.

I hope I haven't ignored anyone in private messages since I usually just read the posts without signing in.

I have not been responding on the wall.  I still go through those numb phases where it doesn't seem real and yet I know now that it is.  I almost feel like I'm in school again.  Only this school is the 'grief's life' school.  Just when I think I may have the course figured out something happens and I am given an F.  I work at it again and slowly move back up to maybe a B.  One thing I'm sure I have learned is that nothing is permanent in this school.  Not yet anyway.  I can't keep my grades up all the time, but I am keeping them for longer periods of time.

I read all your posts (I think) and my heart aches for each one of you.  Our newer moms and even Anne who has lived this for what seems like an eternity to me.  I am at 4 years as of last July and I can't look too far ahead.  It becomes overwhelming.  I find it best to stay in the day.  Today.  Focus on today and don't look ahead because it's too hard to imagine.  Hopefully, we can all do a day.  

May your God of peace and comfort wrap His arms around you.

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