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Comment by Dolly on January 20, 2015 at 6:58pm

SANDY my only 'natural' son has stopped communicating with us too ... he did come down at Thanksgiving with the two grandchildren still living, but his wife stayed home to work until the night before Thanksgiving and then they left the Friday after so we only saw any of them for a few days and its the only time they ever come down here.. for years we hauled up our bunch, wheelchairs, bathchairs, boxes of diapers, and all sorts of medical stuff we needed for them... catheter boxes, so many drugs... and on and on... and even then both my son and his wife usually worked the whole time we were there, and often my grandkids had 'camp' or 'sleepovers' at other kids houses or some sports or other that my wheelchair guys couldn't manoever to go see ... no matter how hard we tried to find ways to do things together we always ended up feeling like the 'country mouse' relatives that didn't really fit into the posh neighborhood they live in... so now we just go up for a week or so in the summer and I'm not sure how long we will be able to keep doing THAT even.. we're getting old and my husband has had health issues, and their home isn't really set up for my son.. nowhere to bathe him but outside, he has to sleep in their dining room.. etc... so its not much of a vacation for any of US and although our grandkids do genuinely seem to love doing things with us, even that is starting to change as they get into the teen years... I'm so lonely for that little boy I held on my knee and cuddled on my chest... I mean my 'birth' son... but somehow he has changed into someone who doesn't seem to like me very much anymore... and now that I've TOTALLY lost my sweet Brandon, the hole is deeper than ever in my old heart... sometimes all I feel is pain... from top to toe... deep hurt and a lonely loss ... and now my daughter seems to want to hurt us on top of lying to us and just trashing herself ... some days I feel like a lunatic I swear I do... I don't know why all my love seems so worthless to the ones I love the most... and I always have such FEAR about who might I lose NEXT? and whatever will happen to me if I survive both my darling son Bo and my husband... Bo has such severe disabilities there's no way to know.. and my husband has been fighting his health problems with all he can do.. but seems it goes on and on... we used to be so happy...

Comment by Sandy Hendrix on January 20, 2015 at 12:12pm

Dolly, thank you for the poem, I want to feel like what is says but it hurts so much some moments. I am sorry for the difficult time you have been having...I am sure that you were and are a great mom to your daughter and didn't "fall short" at all. I was so upset when you said what she said in the phone call. That is so hard. I have an older son who grew up just fine and never lacked for anything but he has had a grudge against me for many many years and has chosen not to talk to me or be involved with us for probably 8 years. It hurts so much. I've had a crap couple of weeks also. Some days it feels like it is all too much, but there's not much we can do yet cope and move forward even though we are in such pain and there is a whole in our hearts. I look forward to hearing and reading about all of you and it does help me as well, because everybody here knows what to say or not what to say. Thank you all for your support. Hugs and love

Comment by Marie on January 18, 2015 at 5:56pm

Thank you for sharing that Dolly! That is a beautiful poem and story about the sign from your son.

Comment by Dolly on January 18, 2015 at 4:36pm

I am but waiting for you. 
For an interval. 
Somewhere. Very near. 
Just around the corner. 

All is well.

Comment by Dolly on January 18, 2015 at 4:35pm

Death is Nothing at All

Deaath is nothing at all. 

I have only slipped away to the next room. 
I am I and you are you. 
Whatever we were to each other, 
That, we still are. 

Call me by my old familiar name. 
Speak to me in the easy way 
which you always used. 
Put no difference into your tone. 
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow. 

Laugh as we always laughed 
at the little jokes we enjoyed together. 
Play, smile, think of me. Pray for me. 
Let my name be ever the household word 
that it always was. 
Let it be spoken without effect. 
Without the trace of a shadow on it. 

Life means all that it ever meant. 
It is the same that it ever was. 
There is absolute unbroken continuity. 
Why should I be out of mind 
because I am out of sight? 

I am but waiting for you. 
For an interval. 
Somewhere. Very near. 
Just around the corner. 

All is well. 

Nothing is past; nothing is lost. One brief moment and all will be as it was before only better, infinitely happier and forever we will all be one together with Christ.

Henry Scott Holland

now I'm crying...

if you get a chance, the episode of Father Brown was called 'The Wrong Shape'..  I hope this poem soothes someone else today.... love you all

Comment by Dolly on January 18, 2015 at 4:34pm

We just never know how we are going to hear from our loved ones.... I get chills just writing this... As you know the past few weeks have been especially rough for me... and it has put an extra heavy sadness and longing for my sweetest of the sweet boy Brandon... At first after he died we had many 'signs' that made us feel that he MUST still exist somewhere... but as time passes these 'signs' have dwindled off ... or maybe I have started to doubt them or not look for them because even THEY hurt.... but today I really needed one... and low and behold while we were eating lunch my husband and I decided to watch Father Brown on BBC... its a really cute detective show and he is such a darling man Father Brown... as it turns out one of the central themes of the show was about a mother who had lost her little daughter who had been severely disabled at birth [as Brandon was]... that fact alone touched me, but THEN at the end of the show the priest was comforting the mother and he repeated that wonderful poem by Henry Scott Holland that has been posted in here before... but I wanted to post it again today because I felt like my Brandon was there with us as Father Brown comforted that mother... I'm still having chills over it all... here it is:

Comment by Jane P on January 18, 2015 at 2:27pm

I dedicate this song to all our children.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n1ttep_h5h8&feature=share

Comment by Jane P on January 18, 2015 at 2:25pm

http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/01/10/getting-grief-right...

I hope this link works.

It's a very good read.

Comment by Dolly on January 18, 2015 at 10:23am

thank you all so much

Comment by kim on January 18, 2015 at 9:23am

dolly never say your sorry  for pouring your heart out.  I wish you all the very best and hope things get so much better for you .  hugs and love  kim

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