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Comment by B.Windsor on April 13, 2017 at 5:36pm

i can understand where you're coming from, Dolly.  i really can.  

i guess what's really hurting so much right now:  the wait for the actual medical reports and just feeling like i'm in a state of constant limbo.  It really hurts that we'd just started 'reconnecting'--or so i thought.  So, i'm trying to believe that it wasn't all for naught.  i know a lot of what she said, anytime she opened her mouth, were lies....whether they be about me or her life or something else.  i struggle, a lot lately, just trying to hold on to the feelings i had for her as my first born child and my only daughter.  Shelby was my child, and yet, she constantly pushed me away.  (There were definite outside influences, and the grandparents she had weren't the decent support system they could've been.)  i know it's a different day and a few things have changed, especially since 15 February 2017, but the fact remains:  she's gone.  That little boy will never know the actual 'person' his mother was--the goodness she had inside her and the creative artist--other than what we share with him.  

i saw my doctor the other day, and she basically told me to just try to deal as best i can, and not mess with my medications for now.  Sleep is still hit-n-miss, and i'm still trying to push myself to keep my mind busy.  It just seems futile, most days.  *sigh  

Comment by Dolly on April 4, 2017 at 9:51pm

B... just try to hold on .. that's all you can do at first I think... however you need to... I cleaned alot.. everything except my son's room... I bought flowers for his little table.. he used to sit next to it to be fed .. he was tube fed.. and after he died we put little mementos on his table for remembering him... and I would put the flowers there .. and candles.. and we let off balloons on the 'special' days... and I spent a lot of time in this room on this site... because so many others in here seemed to get what I was going through and they were so kind and never condemning... and I had nobody except my husband that I could talk to about it... and he had his own problems dealing with it ... nothing will ever really 'help' us until we are reunited.. many in my family are not believers in God so they don't support my beliefs... and that's their business.. but I just don't know how I could stand it if I didn't think there wasn't a chance we would be together again... not that I don't ask God why ... I do... but I never really get an answer except that up until that point He had always saved Brandon when he was in a threatening situation.. and he battled many times to live... and this time he just slipped away with no warning... so it must have been the right time for him to go.. but those are my beliefs.. and hopes.. and I'm not trying to tell you that everyone has to agree with me .. just saying what has helped me.. and hoping maybe it will help someone else not to be totally devastated by their loss...

Comment by Dolly on April 4, 2017 at 9:42pm

My Brandon has been gone almost 4 years now... May 2... I know what you mean Rita about the music... and if it hadn't been for the fact that we as a family were so tied together with music maybe I would have reacted the same way.. but the very first thing that happened to let me believe that Brandon still lived somewhere somehow was a day or so after he died.. time meant nothing to me then so I'm not sure if it was a day or two but it was soon... I was playing solitaire on the computer I think.. but wasn't online as far as I know... and suddenly a song started playing.. I looked to see where it was playing from but there was no icon for anything and I know I didn't cause it to play.. after it was over it didn't play any more music.. but that wasn't all.. the song that played was by a group my son had loved through his childhood, and although I had listened to this group many times through the years I had never heard this song done by them... the group was the Chipmunks, and the song was 'We Are Family'... which was especially wonderful to hear because Brandon was adopted... it didn't make me get over the grief, but it gave me hope.. hope I'd see my son again one day.. that's the only thing that has ever really helped me at all .. knowing he's still alive and believing we'll see each other again.. many other amazing things have happened to keep reassuring me of that .. I don't seek them but I treasure them and I don't deny them.. because they are so unique and impossible I know they're coming from heaven.. there's no other explanation.. so I guess maybe that's why I never lost the ability to find comfort from music... each of us is different in grief and that's totally OK... there are no rules in grief and never let anyone tell you that.. they just don't know... some people say some really heartless things to those of us who are already devastated worse than we ever knew possible.. but they just don't know.... so take all the hugs and support you can get from the rest of us that know pretty much what you're going through and who's hearts ache for your losses too... because we know ..

Comment by B.Windsor on April 4, 2017 at 5:00pm

Thank you for the input, Dolly and Rita.  

i guess i'm just struggling to find my way....thru this.

Comment by Rita on April 4, 2017 at 10:36am

B. Windsor you are expecting too much from yourself, be easy! There's no rush to get through the horrible grief of losing a child or anyone we love! You don't have to be a certain way or in a certain state! It is what it is and it's the most horrible of all losses...Be patient with yourself and don't expect too much from yourself! But don't let other people dictate how you should feel....

I am sorry you are here! None of us here like this place but here we are looking for some measure of comfort and/or connection to others in the same state!!

Dolly I am hoping that at some point I can listen to music or the radio. At this point, 8 months, I still can't do either...And music always made me feel better when I was down but not now!! It just makes me cry.....

Comment by Dolly on April 4, 2017 at 8:27am

Here is one song me and Chaz do together at home... its one we found in a Corrie Ten Boom book about the holocaust.. she and her Dutch family hid jews in their home and were sent to concentration camps where her sister died.. her sister would sing this song to the prisoners with her in the camp.. after reading the book I looked up the song and found it here on youtube... its a beautiful song if you love God... we do.. we don't understand but we believe one day when we're together again we WILL understand..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=piUDbCtgymw

Comment by Dolly on April 4, 2017 at 8:21am

Music is helping me... but probably much has to do with the connection we had through music to Brandon during his life.. now it seems its still connecting us somehow.. and we are getting out to play with 3 different groups now.. not every week but usually at least twice a week... we play everything from jazz and blues to old 40's love songs and Gospel songs and country songs and even some rock and roll and Simon and Garfunkle type songs... we don't do much but play music together.. don't really talk to each other.. don't know anything about any of the others really.. but we seem to bond just through the music.. sometimes talking is just too hard... feeling the beauty of the music helps... and these people seem really nice.. mostly... except for some petty jealousy which always seems to crop up everywhere.. we try to stay out of any of that.. it gives us something to look forward to that isn't threatening or demanding ... and that makes us feel as good as we will ever feel again I think..

Comment by B.Windsor on April 4, 2017 at 7:59am

How can i even begin to think about 'healing,' when i'm still waiting for information from the detective and medical examiner?  i have enough problem even trying to think of my daughter in the 'past tense,' but this limbo-state is really.....well, it's making the reality seem even further away.  i don't know how to even function, lately.  When i can, i sleep.  The dreams and 'visions' are still pretty vivid, obviously, but...i just can't seem to have any motivation, whatsoever.  

Comment by Jesse's Mom on March 20, 2017 at 4:42pm

Connie, in response to your comment about the bio-memories, I believe there is something to that, I noticed that my chakra over the womb area still feels like it has been ripped open, like a raw wound. I never told anyone that. It happened that I was having an energy body treatment and when the practitioner went over that area with his hands, I almost flew off the table it hurt so bad. He did not touch me, as it was not that type of treatment. So there is something to the Chi or life force body I have found that can be wounded.

Dolly, I do not belong anywhere either. Just counting down days.

Comment by Dolly on March 15, 2017 at 7:49pm

I fixate on playing music on my Q chord along with iTunes whenever I can... nothing else interests me at all... going for a ride in the car on a nice warm sunny day ... to nowhere... or maybe to grab something from Wendy's to eat in the car... can't even find anything to read or watch on TV.. just watched Downton Abby for the second time all the way through... wish there were more shows like that one... I can just get totally lost in it... I'll watch it again I'm sure... nothing on TV is any good anymore... even my favorite soap since 1980 is so stupid now its embarassing to me to see the once interesting and talented actors and actresses acting the idiotic parts in idiotic repetitive plots.. none of which apply to me in any way... I feel lost in a world that I don't belong in...

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