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Comment by Gail Richardson on July 20, 2009 at 5:35pm

Hi Laura - (((hugs))) to you first of all - I can see that your initial period of shock is beginning to wear off and the awful reality is starting to hit you. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
I can remember too watching people going about their business as if nothing had happened - it made me really angry and I wanted to scream out at them 'don't you know what has happened?'.
In reality, nothing has changed - for them. Life goes on and the normal everyday things they did before, just go on with it.
I found after Meshael died that I had this whole period between waking and sleeping with NOTHING in it. Its the most awful feeling and you feel redundant, there seems no purpose for you anymore. This will pass in time and slowly and surely your time will be filled with other things to fill that gaping hole but as I cannot say enough - it takes time. Don't try to run before you can walk. This is a journey of pot holes and pitfalls and we have to tread gingerly. I must say that I went back to work as soon as I was able to, it helped me to be thinking about something else and filled a few hours and I'm sure it was therapeutic. But, it is something you should could be looking at in the future. Honestly speaking though, I would recommend you leave it for a little while as you may not feel up to facing people at times - even doing voluntary work. I was lucky enough to work at a place where I could just let them know 'I was having a bad day' and they took no notice of any emotional outbursts that just happen without warning!
The internet is great for finding support groups - I run a small group myself, we've been going for a few years now and have formed some really wonderful friendships with ladies I will probably never meet but the ties we have are forever.
You could start some kind of memorial for your daughter, a scholarship or prize at her school maybe? What were her interests? How about starting a memorial website where you can share photos and memories of Angela with friends and strangers? These are just some ideas, I'm sure you will find more. But, as I say over and over - one day at time!!!
One of my life changing decisions was to get a new puppy - she gave me a reason to get up every morning and puppies can always bring a smile to your face when you're feeling down.
Don't make any important decisions right now - give your mind time to settle back down - you're probably more shaken up than you realise.
Check to see if there are any Compassionate Friends groups close to you - their meetings are fantastic and the it is really helpful to meet other parents.
Hope this helps a little and you can always email me anytime if you're down and don't feel like sharing with an open group.
Sending you a bunch of hugs and healing light
Gail x

Comment by Laura Villarreal on July 19, 2009 at 5:20pm

Hello to all...hope everyone is doing fine. It is just so hard. Gail, I did copy/paste the writings about grief and shared them with friends and family. It seems everyone has returned to their daily lives and are moving forward. It's not to say they did not love Angela but they have families, jobs, etc. that occupy their time. My husband and I have no grandchildren, he is retired and I chose to quit my job two years ago and stay home. We live in Texas and my daughter lived in Alaska with her husband. Quitting my job allowed me to visit her and be available when she came home for visits. Everything seemed to be going smoothly. I just don't know how to occupy my time now; I really do not want to rejoin the work force. I am simply not motivated at this time but I know I need to keep my mind busy so that I don't go into a deep depression. I do search online for ideas....volunteering is at the top of the list. What do I volunteer for??? (just thinking on paper and sharing)
Just rambling on a Sunday afternoon....it just feels good to know that my comments are read by others like me. I don't feel so alone.
Take care

Comment by Gail Richardson on July 18, 2009 at 4:44am

What Grieving People Want You To Know
by Virginia A. Simpson , Ph.D.

Grieving people, you may want to print this out and give it to a
friend...

Through my work and the privilege of listening to so many stories, I
have come to wonder where people get their ideas about how another person is supposed to grieve.

Here's a test for you:

1. How long does it take to recover after someone you love has died?
2. When should a person begin to "get on with their lives?"
3. Do you think it's better to mention the deceased's name to the
grieving person or to avoid mentioning the name so that you won't
make that person cry?
4. Do you think it's a good idea to tell a grieving person how strong
they are?

You can figure out the answers to these questions by understanding what grieving people want you to know about them.

1. I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me.

2. I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. That person is part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear. Both are okay.

3. I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are just some things in life that are not acceptable.

4. Please don't avoid me. You can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you to know that."

5. Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you some ideas:

A. Bring food.

B. Offer to take my children to a movie or game so that I have some moments to myself.

C. Send me a card on special holidays, birthdays (mine, his or hers), or the anniversary of the death, and be sure and mention her name. You can't make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach out on this difficult day.

D. Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I may say no at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you've given up, then I really will be alone.

E. Try to understand that this is like I'm in a foreign country where I don't speak the language and have no map to tell me what to do. Even if there were a map, I'm not sure right now I could understand what it was saying. I'm lost and in a fog. I'm confused.

F. When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel bad enough that my loved one is dead, so please don't make it worse by telling me I'm not doing this right.

G. Please don't call to complain about your husband, your wife, or your children. Right now, I'd be delighted to have my loved one here no matter what they were doing.

H. Please don't tell me I can have other children or need to start dating again. I'm not ready. And maybe I don't want to. And besides, what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren't. Whoever comes after, will always be someone different.

I. I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get on with your life." My life is going on, but it may not look the way you think it should. This will take time and I never will be my old self again. So please, just love me as I am today, and know, that with your love and support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget and there will always be times that I cry.

Comment by Gail Richardson on July 18, 2009 at 3:55am

Aw thank you all for your lovely compliments but I cannot take the credit. Sadly over the years I have gathered quite a library of helpful articles which do help us to understand the utter madness that has become our lives.
It does help to share these pieces with people close to you - if they have never experienced the pain of losing a child then, with the best will in the world, they cannot possibly understand.

Laura - it is so important that you understand there is no time limit on this - no-one can tell you when it is 'time to move on' - I hate that phrase!! We can only heal as fast our hearts allow us to.

Ann - I think the Angels choose the pieces they want me share haha!!


Sending all of us a huge (((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))))))) this morning
love Gail xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Comment by Laura Villarreal on July 17, 2009 at 8:03pm

Gail, thank you for sharing your Common Myths about Grief. I cannot believe how you hit the nail on the head! It gives me a clearer picture of what to expect in the coming days, weeks, months and years. Family and friends who have not experienced the loss of a child would really benefit from your writings. Again, thank you so much!

Comment by Ann Edmondson on July 17, 2009 at 7:58pm

Gail: I don't know where you get such words of wisdom. God certainly sends you as an angel when I need to hear something. Thank you.

Comment by Rodney Reinhardt on July 17, 2009 at 7:19pm

Gail,
Very well said. Everyone of the things you wrote are so true. Thanks for sharing it.
Rodney

Comment by Gail Richardson on July 17, 2009 at 5:40pm

Common Myths about Grief

Myth:
The younger the child/baby, the less intense your pain should be.

Truth:
It may be true that society grants us less of a right to grieve for infants and stillborn babies, however, the truth is that the love of a parent is not contingent upon the amount of time we had with our child. Love simply cannot be measured in time. Some may try to "prorate" our grief. That is, if a ten-year-old dies, it is worth "x" amount of pain. . . if a one year old dies, it is worth "y" amount of pain . . . if a one day old dies, that is worth only "z" amount of pain. It seems ridiculous to bereaved parents, doesn't it? Consider this . . . Would it be easier to bury your child when you did or would it be easier to bury them one year later? It is an impossible question to answer. There is no easier time, no lesser pain. It is horrible whenever it happens.

Myth:
It has been six months, you should be over this by no
Truth:
The truth is, you will never "be over" this pain. The pain never completely leaves. We will grieve our entire lifetime for the child we should have with us. When others think we should have gotten over it by now, they are confusing the significance of the death of a child with an event of much lesser significance. You get over the loss of a job, a broken bone or a friendship gone awry. The death of a child, at any age and from any circumstance, is a life changing and tragic event that will never be forgotten. You will however, eventually learn the skills necessary to assist you in dealing with the pain. Day to day life will never be "normal" and may never feel the way it used to, but time does help to ease the pain.

Myth:
Sleeping pills, antidepressants or alcohol will help to get you through this pain.

Truth
Some parents who take pills or use alcohol after the death of their child, eventually realize that they may have been postponing the inevitable. Grief is hard work.
Physically exhausting and mentally draining, it is. But I compare grief to a loan. We must all pay back the loan to the rightful owner . . . eventually. The longer we wait to pay the money back, the higher the interest rates and penalties. Accept and embrace the depth of the grief as a normal reaction to the most difficult experience a human could endure.

Myth:
Another baby is the answer to the grief.

Truth:
Your deceased child's life is worthy of all the pain you feel. While another child will fill your empty, aching arms, it will never replace your other child. Allow yourself time to grieve your child. Do not rush yourself. Another baby may add more pressure on you, your surviving children, your spouse and your new child. Be cautious not to venture into an unprepared pregnancy, too soon after the death of your beloved child.

Myth:
You need to forget your child and go on with your life.

Truth:
Many people will ridicule you if; photographs of your deceased child are placed in your home, if you still attend support group meetings or if
you memorialize your child years after his or her death. Your faithfulness to your child's memory is to be commended! Do not let others discourage your gift of dedication.

The truth is, twenty years after the death of Elvis Presley, the whole country stops to recognize him with candlelight vigils in Grace land. The event is televised worldwide
on CNN and every other news station and television station in the country. This is a completely acceptable practice which millions of Americans, young and old, partake in. Yet, the same communities would have grieving parents questioning their own sanity when they chose to participate in an event, quietly memorializing someone far more important in their life- their own child. Remember your child. Do not let others determine what is right for you. Remember and do not be ashamed!

Myth:
You will soon become yourself again.

Truth:
The truth is, you probably died with your child. You may have remnant pieces of the former self remaining, however, you are unlikely to become exactly who you
were before. Get to know who you are once again. Your child's death has changed many things about you and you will need time and patience to reacquaint yourself with the new person you have become!

Myth:
Support groups are for weak people.

Truth:
The truth is, that the death of a child is the most isolating and lonely event in a human's life. Many grieving parents say that friends become strangers and strangers become friends. The reason for this is clear. How can any one else possibly understand the depth of this pain if they had never experienced it before? An analogy I like to use is related to weight loss. Let's say I struggled with obesity all my life and finally made a decision to do whatever I needed to lose weight and become healthy again. Courageously, I check myself into a weight loss clinic. However, the mentor and counselor assigned to help me through my struggle with weight is 110 lbs and a size three, and she has never been overweight a day in her life. How in the world is she going to understand your pain, your struggles and your fears? She never can. It is unlikely that you will even feel comfortable relating to that person. Support groups are a safe haven for parents to go and share the deepest of their pain with others who have experienced the same feelings. Many support groups are full of strong and compassionate people who are dedicated to helping newly bereaved parents find hope and peace in their life.

Myth:
I am going crazy.

Truth:
Every parent who has gone through the death of a child, feels as if they are crazy. The vast array of emotions can overwhelm us. Many of us feel emotions we never knew we could feel. It is frightening and shocking.

The usual routine of day to day life suddenly annoys us. We feel out of place even amongst the closest of family and friends. We cannot attend baby showers or birthday parties. We may feel too weak and drained to get out of bed in the morning. Once enjoyed activities become dreaded tasks for us. Some parents are unable to perform at work, while others may become completely absorbed in their jobs as an attempt to escape the pain. Some parents express that the grief has become so unbearable, that they prayed God would take them while they sleep. It is a roller coaster ride. Some days we are able to laugh and feel joy again. While other days there seems a black cloud hanging over us the entire day. Who wouldn't feel crazy while undergoing all of these many emotions?

You aren't crazy. You are a grieving parent, simply missing what should have been in your life. Be patient and kind to yourself. While the longing for your child will never disappear, time grants us moments of peace in between the tidal waves of pain. Allow those peaceful moments to bring you closer to your child's love and the gifts they have left for you to discover.

Comment by Jacob Michael scott McLeod-Steinmetz on July 16, 2009 at 9:12pm

Dear Laura
I'm so sorry for you loss I know how hard the first day,months and years are after you have lost a child
My Your daughter fly high in heaven Happy healthy and pain free
sending love to surround you and your family always
with Love Jacob's mum
"Leukaemia Sux!" www.caringbridge.rg/me/jacob

Comment by Laura Villarreal on July 16, 2009 at 7:10pm

My only child, my daughter, was killed in a tragic accident on Memorial Day of this year. She was 33 years old. I miss her so much, and as I read through the comments I realize I am not alone with these feelings and emotions for which there are no words to describe. The raw pain, the tears, the anger, the questions to which there will never be any answers; I feel like I have found a group that truly understands the depths of my loss. My heartfelt condolences to each of you.

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