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Comment by Sherri Martin on July 7, 2011 at 3:26pm

Well, I closed out my dad's estate bank accounts yesterday.  While I was there, I saw an elderly lady with short white hair.  She could have been my mom....she was frail and sitting on one of those walker/chair combos and had oxygen.  I was struck as I completed the banking that I felt sick to my stomach and realized by closing the accounts I felt like I was losing my mom all over again.  It didn't seem to make much sense since they were dad's estate accounts....then I realized that HE was what I had left of HER and now closing that door brought all the sadness back and missing them, particularly missing her.  She was always my best friend.  We both had difficult issues with my dad and I never thought I'd even keep in contact with him much when she was gone.  It didn't happen that way and I know I cared for him until he passed way in large part because I knew she'd want me, too.  I still have to file the final estate closing papers with the court and the 'business' aspect of their deaths will be done.  The emotional aspects will never be....

Comment by Sue Waxman on July 3, 2011 at 7:47am

Sherri,

Thank you for reaching out to me. It means so much to have your kind words of support. I reach out to you and all the others experiencing what we are feeling. Accepting that I am now flying completely solo with family support is a hard pill to swallow. I did see a Pastor on Wed. He was this older gentlemen who had such wisdom. Regarding my sisters..he said to step back and leave the door open. Let them come to you. Let them have the opportunity to miss you. If they don't then why chase and beg for their acceptance and love. My husband left me 2 years ago after a 20 year marriage, no kids. My dad left us when we were kids. Mom raised us alone. I live with my Goldren Retriever and 3 cats. I'm 55. Sue

Comment by Sherri Martin on July 2, 2011 at 5:13pm

@Sue:  First, let me say I am so very sorry for your loss.  When my mom died 3 1/2 years ago to cancer following a very short time in hospice, I was devastated.  I had lost my husband suddenly 8 years prior, and then my dad, 1 year & 2 months later.  I know it feels as if it will never feel 'better'....and that's probably a term best used when we have a virus.  It will feel -different- as time passes on.  Right now, with just 6 days since your mom's passing and if you are like I was...the emotions are so very raw and overwhelming.  I'm also sorry to hear of the lack of support you feel from your sisters.  My brother was extremely problematic when my mom was ill  and only somewhat better after she died.  His relationship with me became more difficult when our dad died in March 2010...lots of old family wounds stirred up as we dealt with his death.  I have 2 other brothers and none of us have been good at keeping up with each other much since our mom passed away and even less now that dad is gone.  Again, old family wounds that still push us apart, I guess.  So, in reality, I think we are faced with grief on a multi-faceted spectrum.  It will be difficult, but...as the saying goes...time does heal.  Talk with your friends, a pastor or counselor, and I do strongly advocate for grief counseling offered through hospice.  Please take care of yourself and be kind to yourself, as well.  It is a lonely road, but you will survive this.  Don't give up. God's peace will find you. - Sherri

Comment by Sue Waxman on July 2, 2011 at 8:56am

My dearest most darling best friend and mother died 6 days ago. My dad abandoned us all when I was a kid. Heard he died 2 years ago. My relationship with my 3 sisters is very fragile and fractured. We grew up with a lot of crap to deal with. Mom and I were like peas and carrots. VERY close. Share the same birthday. Spent a lot of time shopping together, eating meals together....being friends. I wish I could just disappear into thin air. My sisters have planned a service for mom in Michigan where her parents and brother are burried. My one sister made plane reservations without me. She will fly out of the same town and airport but chose to do it solo. Can't handle some of this stuff????? I have great friends who have been there for me. My husband left me 2 years ago....I survived that. I'm just so tired of surviving. I feel so very alone.

Comment by Sherri Martin on June 27, 2011 at 2:02am

      It is so strange to think of myself an orphan, but at 52 that's what I became.  My mom called in late July 2007 to tell me she'd had 'something' happen.  Without going into particulars here, she was calling from the hospital and a scan had revealed a 'spot' and she as to have surgery.  I immediately flew back east to be with her.  The spot turned out to be a fist-sized tumor in her diaphragm and was thought to be a contained sarcoma.  Unfortunately, the biopsy revealed it to be lymphoma and we learned within a few months that it was likely a secondary site and the primary cancer was in her upper intestinal tract.  She had surgery to remove the mass, then started chemotherapy.  What was supposed to be a 2-3 week trip for me became an indefinite stay.  Each day and week I watched her become even more frail that when I'd first arrived. She endured only 3 chemo treatments and had to stop because she became too weak and suffered a cracked/collapsed vertebrae that resulted in severe pain.  The pain meds and her weakened condition led to increasing dementia. Just after Christmas, it was suggested we consider hospice because she was 'failing to thrive'.  She went into hospice and passed away on January 8, 2008.  It was all just a short 5 months though it seemed it some much longer. 

      Dad was not a very good health, either, during this time, either.  I stayed on at their house to help him 'get used to' being without her and to allow my son, who travelled there with me, to finish out his school year there.  By June, Dad insisted he could cope alone and one of my brothers agreed to stay with him.  Over the next two years, I interceded on several issues between my brother and dad.  Dad's health was still an issue, he had several falls that resulted in hospitalization, and my brother had significant health issues of his own, not the least of which was a liver transplant.  It became clear that dad could not live alone and my brother, after recovering from his surgeries decided to move out of state to be closer to his sons. Between September and December 2009, dad had repeated hospitalizations and was despondent, as well.  Finally, during my Christmas break from school (I'm an elementary school teacher), I flew out to bring him back to Colorado where my younger brother and I could better watch over him.  We didn't fully know the extent of my dad's health problems, however, and what was intended to be a 'watch' over him soon became much more.  He was in renal failure and not managing his diabetes, and not a candidate for a kidney transplant. Within ten days of his arrival, he ended up back in the hospital. He was there for several weeks, then a rehab facility.  It was determined he would have to go on dialysis 4-5 days a week and needed full-time care.  We tried an assisted living home, but he had a fall the first night and ended up back in the hospital. He was adamant he didn't want nursing home care or dialysis.  While he was recuperating in another rehab facility, he asked if he could discontinue all of his medications and go into hospice and after counseling was approved to do so based on the level of his renal failure.  We moved him to my brother's larger home with in-home hospice care March 1 2010.  He passed away there March 17.

     In both my parents' cases, I (the only daughter) was in charge of their basic care and needs, including the end-of-life care medications such as morphine.  While I know, based on two different hospice organizations in two different states, that these medications are standard protocol as a patient's health deteriorates - to alleviate both physical pain and help calm them - it still was hard to be the one "in charge" and know that these medications (it seems to me), along with the ravages of their illnesses led to their deaths. 

      I lost my husband to sudden cardiac arrest November 28, 2000 and feel like I started holding my breath then.  With the death of both my parents, I still don't feel like I breathe fully.  In fact, coping with my parents' illnesses seemed as if I was still 'on automatic' when it came with the various medical issues and their hospice care.  I have very little contact with my three brothers and often feel detached. I move forward as best I can, but sometims it feels like I'm living someone else's life and sometimes it hits me with a "How did I get here?" and I have to remind myself that my life now is real.  Even 'good' memories of my husband and my parents bring on feelings of loss.  Is this what life is?  Coping with life from loss to loss?  My faith had always been a central part of my life, but in the past two years I've felt less and less comfort in it.  There is this underlying sadness all the time. 

Comment by Judith Good on June 2, 2011 at 6:50am

I am new to this site.  I lost my father quite a few years ago but my Mother passed January of this year.  I feel like such a lost soul.  I am hoping I will find the comfort I need here with others who have gone thru the same and some guidance on how to move on with my life.  My Mom and I did everything together.  Thank you for allowing me to join your group.

Comment by Diane A on June 1, 2011 at 4:01pm

K, I can't imagine losing one of my family members by murder.  My heart breaks for you.  It is hard enough to deal with death without this added issue.  I am trying hard to get my life back.  It is difficult to say the least, but I'm really trying.  I don't know what to say to you, but I think I can understand somewhat.  There must be tremendous anger issues in you.  I think that would be expected.  There are just so many stages we have to go through in this grieving process.  I will pray for you that someway, somehow God will help you.  I still miss my parents terribly, especially my dad.  Eventhough I had lost them before they died to Alzheimers, it still is different when they are truly physically gone from us.  I don't know if they caught your mother's killer, but I pray they do and the person pays for the crime.  I know that won't bring your mother back, but it may give you some closure.  Hang in there! 

Comment by Kandi Broussard on April 26, 2011 at 11:12am

Dear Diane,  That is exactly how I feel.  I just want to run away.  My husband and I have also had trouble through all of this.  It just seems that nobody else really "gets it"  I feel alone and abandoned.  For everyone else, it has been 8 months since my mom was murdered but for me, it feels like it just happened.  I cannot get the images of what she must have been going through out of my head.  It is slowly destroying my life, spirit, and marriage, through no fault of my own.  I am the one suffering... not the killer, not even my mom.  It is so extraordinarily unfair and I really HATE being an orphaned adult. 

Comment by Diane A on April 26, 2011 at 8:47am

I am an orphaned adult.  Like many of you, I did not expect to have the emotions I have.  I cared for my mom and dad from 1998 until dad passed away in February 2010.  Mom had severe Alzheimers and suffered a stroke in Feb 2003.  She was like an infant and became my baby.  She passed away November 30, 2006.  She just went to sleep and didn't wake up.  It was expected.  I had to go on for my dad, so I stifled the feelings of grief for mom. Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer and melonoma and his life began to decline severely.  I carried on as usual and did fairly well.  When Dad died I thought I was going to be able to handle it all okay, because I knew it was coming.  I thought I had already grieved all I was going to.  Then I slowly began to realize I was really alone.  Dad was always my hero and rock and now he was gone.  I am married to a wonderful man, but we have had our struggles.  At one point, I thought we would separate, but we managed to make it through all of this.  I have sooo many things going on in my life that I just don't feel like I can cope anymore.  I find myself wanting to run away and hide, but I have no where to go.  Anyone else have these feelings or is it just me?

 

Comment by Dana Jarrett on April 23, 2011 at 2:39pm

On March 23, 2011 My father shot and killed my Mom and then committed suicide. My mother was one of my best friends. My mom, my sister, and I were always best friends from the time I was born. This sudden loss of our parents has left us in incredible pain and shock. The thought that our father hated us enough to take her from us just breaks our heart! We haven't even began to let reality settle in, but we are lost without our Mom. We both joined this site hoping to be able to talk and work through this grief with others that are hurting too

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