Missing my Son or Daughter

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Missing my Son  or  Daughter

For all of us that are suffering the loss a son or daughter.

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Please share your Story = the Loss of your Son or Daughter 460 Replies

Started by Karen. Last reply by Karen Schell Apr 4.

STUPID things people say... " Vent Here " 175 Replies

Started by Karen. Last reply by B.Windsor Mar 26.

Lost Faith 58 Replies

Started by cindy parrott. Last reply by Dennis C. Jun 27, 2015.

The HOW ARE YOU dreaded Question ???? How do you answer??? 48 Replies

Started by Karen. Last reply by Ross Hotard Dec 17, 2014.

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Comment by B.Windsor on Tuesday

So, it's been a lil over two months since Shelby's death.  My husband's family had a 60th anniversary party planned for this past weekend, so we went, as usual.  It was really nice to see so many loving and compassionate people in one family....  The more i thought about it, the more the 'couple' reminded me of my own parents, so i truly enjoy being around them.  It was so sweet when they were on the dance floor, as they would find and choose other partners with each song, while they were dancing---and several of the partners were kids, who just had a ball!  There was one, in particular, that i just had to watch....she was probably ten or close to it, and while she was on the dance floor, she had no qualms about being herself.  She reminded me so much of my daughter on the dance floor....i just had an emotional moment or two, while i was watching her.  i also wish i'd felt better, so i could've been a bit more interactive.  But, at least i got to see everyone and even smile a bit.

Then, reality set back in, as my husband and his mother got into another 'tiff'--right before the party, as a matter of fact--so they spent the few hours avoiding one another...  So, it's been quiet, since.

Comment by B.Windsor on April 18, 2017 at 10:45pm

Thank you, Teresa and Rita.  i really do appreciate the input.  i have talked to my doctor, and she basically told me (since i'm already on meds) to wait a bit and see how this process goes for me, i.e. no change in meds for now.  Sleep is still hit'n miss and the 'dreams' and thoughts are still really weird, to say the least.  As for the medical examiner:  the office told me it could take upwards of a year, and of course, my ex has reminded me of that, already (mainly because he's in the same state as it happened, and i'm in Canada).  i did send him a small 'note' with the check i sent to take care of my half of taking care of Shelby's body.  Just typing that...makes me nauseated.  *sigh  i know it's gonna take a while to be able to even find some 'normality' again.  i've been told that by several individuals, now....  i guess i just felt like everyone would expect me to keep going and be 'normal-ish' sooner than later, since that's how my life has been, thus far.  No matter who i've lost or how they died, i was always expected to just keep going.  Now, suddenly, i'm supposed to take time to heal.  i guess i'm truly having issues with healing, since i don't know 'how' or really, how to process and go on, from this point.  

i called on Sunday, to see how my grandson was doing with his Easter and he was having a great time!  i know he has his times when he isn't exactly coping well, but then again, he's not five yet, and just lost his mother!!!  Anyway, i talked to his dad for a bit, while they were outside playing a smaller version of baseball, and he confirmed how good the weekend had been and how much fun Gabe was having.  So, i told him i'd call later on in the week, hopefully after the excitement had worn down some.  

Comment by Rita on April 15, 2017 at 12:10pm

B. it was almost 2 months after my sons death when I received the ME's report. It made me so upset. It was like it was happening again.. Fresh! I wished I hadn't opened it! My mind was working overtime with all the scenarios and questions! Every time I thought about it I cried, (which was all the time) so I cried a lot! I didn't tell anymore than I already knew but I was hoping it would answer a question that I had but it didn't. To me the ME didn't do his job. I would have thought when a young man (37) comes in with a defibrillator/pacemaker that would have raised a red flag??? Heart attack, wreck, hmmm!!! I was wrong! He just told me blunt force trauma! That was obvious! Probably to anyone who seen him! Basically end of story...

The ME I dealt with was very calloused and unsympathetic to my concerns and questions!!  He sees lots of bodies and this is just one more he had to look at....

So B. expect to be upset!! There will be many triggers that will upset you for a long time to come... That is just the way it is when a Mother loses her child...

I tried to deal with it as best I could and was not very successful! After 4 or 5 months I decided their had to be something to help with the deep, deep depression I was in. I went to my doctor and she give me something for depression and anxiety. It's hit and miss but I finally got something that has helped with the depression. It doesn't take away the sadness but I'm not wanting to sleep all the time...I wasn't a strong enough person to handle it on my own.....

"When you are brought to your knees, you sometimes need help getting up!"

Comment by Teresa D. on April 14, 2017 at 7:39am

B. Windsor, I too had to wait for a medical report to help me understand what happened. Then once it finally arrived I had to find the right moment to read it.  Opening it was not easy but I knew I had to.

We all struggle to find our way.  We will always speak the truth to you. We won't tell you how your daughter wouldn't want you to be sad or cry.  We won't lie to you and tell you in time you will heal.  Instead we will tell you in time you'll learn to "manage it".  At first learning to "manage it" will seem like a bizarre idea to you, or it did me, but then you'll start to get it.

We will support you , listen to you and most importantly we will "get it".  I'm 41/2 years in and I can't say I'm healed, (what's that?) or that I don't have days when I just can't get out of that place.  I can't even say I stopped crying daily. But I know I'm learning to "manage it" as slow and painful as it is and in time you will too.

Right now Rita is right just allow yourself to grieve.

Happy Belated Birthday to Daniel. 

Comment by B.Windsor on April 13, 2017 at 5:36pm

i can understand where you're coming from, Dolly.  i really can.  

i guess what's really hurting so much right now:  the wait for the actual medical reports and just feeling like i'm in a state of constant limbo.  It really hurts that we'd just started 'reconnecting'--or so i thought.  So, i'm trying to believe that it wasn't all for naught.  i know a lot of what she said, anytime she opened her mouth, were lies....whether they be about me or her life or something else.  i struggle, a lot lately, just trying to hold on to the feelings i had for her as my first born child and my only daughter.  Shelby was my child, and yet, she constantly pushed me away.  (There were definite outside influences, and the grandparents she had weren't the decent support system they could've been.)  i know it's a different day and a few things have changed, especially since 15 February 2017, but the fact remains:  she's gone.  That little boy will never know the actual 'person' his mother was--the goodness she had inside her and the creative artist--other than what we share with him.  

i saw my doctor the other day, and she basically told me to just try to deal as best i can, and not mess with my medications for now.  Sleep is still hit-n-miss, and i'm still trying to push myself to keep my mind busy.  It just seems futile, most days.  *sigh  

Comment by Dolly on April 4, 2017 at 9:51pm

B... just try to hold on .. that's all you can do at first I think... however you need to... I cleaned alot.. everything except my son's room... I bought flowers for his little table.. he used to sit next to it to be fed .. he was tube fed.. and after he died we put little mementos on his table for remembering him... and I would put the flowers there .. and candles.. and we let off balloons on the 'special' days... and I spent a lot of time in this room on this site... because so many others in here seemed to get what I was going through and they were so kind and never condemning... and I had nobody except my husband that I could talk to about it... and he had his own problems dealing with it ... nothing will ever really 'help' us until we are reunited.. many in my family are not believers in God so they don't support my beliefs... and that's their business.. but I just don't know how I could stand it if I didn't think there wasn't a chance we would be together again... not that I don't ask God why ... I do... but I never really get an answer except that up until that point He had always saved Brandon when he was in a threatening situation.. and he battled many times to live... and this time he just slipped away with no warning... so it must have been the right time for him to go.. but those are my beliefs.. and hopes.. and I'm not trying to tell you that everyone has to agree with me .. just saying what has helped me.. and hoping maybe it will help someone else not to be totally devastated by their loss...

Comment by Dolly on April 4, 2017 at 9:42pm

My Brandon has been gone almost 4 years now... May 2... I know what you mean Rita about the music... and if it hadn't been for the fact that we as a family were so tied together with music maybe I would have reacted the same way.. but the very first thing that happened to let me believe that Brandon still lived somewhere somehow was a day or so after he died.. time meant nothing to me then so I'm not sure if it was a day or two but it was soon... I was playing solitaire on the computer I think.. but wasn't online as far as I know... and suddenly a song started playing.. I looked to see where it was playing from but there was no icon for anything and I know I didn't cause it to play.. after it was over it didn't play any more music.. but that wasn't all.. the song that played was by a group my son had loved through his childhood, and although I had listened to this group many times through the years I had never heard this song done by them... the group was the Chipmunks, and the song was 'We Are Family'... which was especially wonderful to hear because Brandon was adopted... it didn't make me get over the grief, but it gave me hope.. hope I'd see my son again one day.. that's the only thing that has ever really helped me at all .. knowing he's still alive and believing we'll see each other again.. many other amazing things have happened to keep reassuring me of that .. I don't seek them but I treasure them and I don't deny them.. because they are so unique and impossible I know they're coming from heaven.. there's no other explanation.. so I guess maybe that's why I never lost the ability to find comfort from music... each of us is different in grief and that's totally OK... there are no rules in grief and never let anyone tell you that.. they just don't know... some people say some really heartless things to those of us who are already devastated worse than we ever knew possible.. but they just don't know.... so take all the hugs and support you can get from the rest of us that know pretty much what you're going through and who's hearts ache for your losses too... because we know ..

Comment by B.Windsor on April 4, 2017 at 5:00pm

Thank you for the input, Dolly and Rita.  

i guess i'm just struggling to find my way....thru this.

Comment by Rita on April 4, 2017 at 10:36am

B. Windsor you are expecting too much from yourself, be easy! There's no rush to get through the horrible grief of losing a child or anyone we love! You don't have to be a certain way or in a certain state! It is what it is and it's the most horrible of all losses...Be patient with yourself and don't expect too much from yourself! But don't let other people dictate how you should feel....

I am sorry you are here! None of us here like this place but here we are looking for some measure of comfort and/or connection to others in the same state!!

Dolly I am hoping that at some point I can listen to music or the radio. At this point, 8 months, I still can't do either...And music always made me feel better when I was down but not now!! It just makes me cry.....

Comment by Dolly on April 4, 2017 at 8:27am

Here is one song me and Chaz do together at home... its one we found in a Corrie Ten Boom book about the holocaust.. she and her Dutch family hid jews in their home and were sent to concentration camps where her sister died.. her sister would sing this song to the prisoners with her in the camp.. after reading the book I looked up the song and found it here on youtube... its a beautiful song if you love God... we do.. we don't understand but we believe one day when we're together again we WILL understand..

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=piUDbCtgymw

 

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