I'm a resident of Hoboken, NJ. (Born & Raised) Male 43 years old. I have one child (Jennifer age 21) Not married. I have 4 sisters whom I share everyday life with, as well as nieces and nephews.
About my Loss:
I recently lost my Mother to lung cancer on December 29, 2011 she was only 60 years old. I am having problems getting in touch with the mixed feelings, I believe they are repressed, maybe I'm still numb, My Mom and I were very. close, I was her only son and oldest child, she was also a part of my everyday life. I know I miss her, and often think of her but I am having trouble excepting the fact that she is gone from my life. I'm not crying or falling to my knees, but I have been wanting to sleep all the time, and I have no ambition to take care of my daily duties and activities. I real would like to make heads or tails about the loss of My wonderful & beautiful mother. I witnessed her struggles in her life, she lost her first husband to drugs at age 19 when I was 16 months old, and mom was 8 months pregnant with my sister, She remarried 2 years later, her 2nd husband abused drugs and alcohol and would come home and batter her often. We finally ran away to Texas by my grandmother who took us in until my mom found a job and got us a place to live. Her life wasn't an easy one, but i was always there to comfort her, rub her head until she stopped crying, I even went as far as jumping on my Dads back trying to stab him with a butter knife. she never got a break, she worked hard to keep food in our mouths and clothes on our back, without any child support. My mom had gotten involved in a relationship with another man who also abused alcohol and drugs and he mentally and physically abused her for 31 years, She died 4 months after finally leaving the relationship. All these tragedies run through my mind often, and the sorrow is still very raw, this is another reason why I cannot get my feelings together.
Hi, I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother May 13, 2012, Mother's Day to colon cancer. I was her caretaker until the end, she had the same things your mom had. For the last week, she was medicated for terminal restlessness and pain. One eye was closed, the other opened but didn't blink, she had water in her lungs to the piont they couldn't hear her heart beat. I can still hear the sound of the death rattle. Even now I look at the clock and think its time for her medication only to remember she isn't here anymore. They all say she is in a better place, well if that's true she went through hell to get there because it was a tough death. The apnea, the death rattle, her other eye opened about 10 minutes before her last gulp for air. I feel traumatized and exhausted from caring for her. I feel guilty about that because of what she went through in the end. She had the hard part. My mother also had a hard life. I think being present for the death of your parent adds a demension to the experience. Its hard to find people who understand this unless they have been through it. The depression is like a cloud, just lingers. I miss my mom so much. Take care.
Hey Tim. Thanks for the friend request. We definitely are living very similar lifes right now. I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss. I know how unbearable it is. I lost my mom on Dec 14th of Pancreatic Cancer. We were very close. My mom had a lot of struggles in life. Anything she wasn't physically capable of doing I did. These passed 3 months without her have been shocking. I feel like an alien from another planet trying to adjust to a completely different life I've never known and I definitely understand all the emotions. If you ever want to chat feel free. Take care and know you aren't alone in all of this.
Hey Tim, I'm glad you got a chance to see the movie and liked it. My brother recommended I watch it because the guy in the movie made him think of me. Probably because my mom was my best friend. I know what you mean, it would be nice if we could get that kind of special counseling. I believe most therapists want their patients talk and vent until we resolve our own issues. I've been to two or three in my lifetime and that seems to be the pattern. Oh well... I just got a chance to really look at your mom's photos and in them she looks happy. It could be because she was always surrounded by all of you. It looks to me like she was blessed with a great family, even if she wasn't so lucky with finding a good and deserving life partner. There is something to be said for that. You take care and I'll be talking you again hopefully!!! Love, Tammy
I am so sorry for your saddness and everything painful that has and is going on in your life. This group will be a blessing for you. All of us have experienced similiar pain, some more than others. Tim, there are questions you are wanting answers to. I understand this. I have done a tremendous amount of research since my wonderful mother Nancy passed on June 26, 2011. I will tell you that your mother is not "gone" she is just in another place. She is still your mother, you are still her son. When people talk about those that have passed on to the next world as dead or quotes like "Her name was"....
I have to just not go there. We just don't "die" and not matter or exhist anymore. This life on earth is part of our journey to learn and achieve understanding about why God created us. It is very complex...but you and I will never know those answers completely until he calls us to stand before him. When we go to the hext world, heaven or the Garden of Souls - we are asked to judge ourselves. If we are not able to do so, we are not given entry into the plane that is "perfect". The place that we will spend eternity - filled with only beauty and love and perfection. Instead we are given time to go to a less perfect place and then we are than given a time period to experience and continue to learn. In this life we must experience pain, abandonment, love, hate, anger and all of those emotions until we fully "get it" and know that it is not about US but about how we treat others and how we deal with how others treat us. The most devastating to feel is the loss of a mother, child - the loss of someone we love deeply. That is the big whopper of it all. Do you turn into a hateful angry person or do you learn from that horrible pain. This is the time you and I have to look deeply inside of ourselves and evaluate who we have been and who we now are. That what this is all about Tim. Everyone along our journey including our parents are teachers. It was your mothers time to go. My mothers time to go. It is not up to us. Cancer is created by evil. God removes that pain by allowing us to exit the body that is the cancer carrier. He welcomes us home to him where the pain they have suffered no longer can happen. Tim, you will see your mother when your time is right. Don't deny yourself that knowledge. It is TRUE. As much as we miss our moms, we must be brave and most of all be joyful for them. Imagine being in a place so wonderful as they are. My mother suffered so much too. My bio dad was an abusive asshole and left us to fend for ourselves. Her second husband died of cancer in her arms. She battled alchol adddition and cigarette addiction and so many other things. She no longer suffers for anyone or anything. She had been sober 30 years and cigarette free just as long and she died from emphezema, cancer, chemo and COPD. She died in my arms, I watched her suffer and to this day it haunts me. I have to fight going to the scene in my mind of the day she died. Tim, make your mom proud of you. Don't make her sad. Until she sees that you are going to be able to make it she cannot be free to enjoy where she is now. Remember she is still your mom and is watching your pain. The day I told my mom I would be OK until we were together again opened a door to her communicating with me. I know she is OK. I am here for you friend. I am not a nut. I am a person just like you that lost the person they loved more than anything else. This is the time to learn about Tim. Sue
Hi Tim, I'm so sorry about your mom. I wish I knew the answer to your question. I do know what you're feeling is very normal and healthy. Grief is just something you have to work through. It's definitely hard work, but I promise you, you'll have lighter times. We'll see them again. It's just so hard to let go. I watched a movie this weekend called "Mother Ghost" and it was about this guy who lost his mom and she was his best friend. I think you'd like that movie.
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