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Comment by Stephanie on January 21, 2011 at 11:27pm

Vedi, I totally understand your comment, "I will never why this had to happen. I just keep hoping that this is a nightmare that I will eventually wake up from but everyday I wake up to reality and I become more depressed".

I too believe part of me will never truly believe that my sister is gone forever. Part of me believes that she will call me up wanting to bitch about that "stupid boy" she was dating. (Who didnt show up to her memorial).

I ask Sarah to come to me in my dreams ever so often so I can talk to her like old times. Soon after she passed, I would have dreams that she was still alive and I would talk to her about the time in the hospital and ask her questions (like if she could hear me talking to her or the people that came to visit). It was quite comforting to hear her true self come out in these dreams as well as completely creepy to try to explain why she was in the hospital or that she had died.

Ahh, still doesnt feel real when I type it.

Comment by Lauren Bosi on January 21, 2011 at 7:52pm

Vedi, I am so sorry for you loss. Losing your sister so quickly is so very hard. You have a long road ahead of you, please don't do it alone. It helps to talk about it, get mad and angry at the same time. Find help for yourself, your sister would not want you to be in emotional pain. Now if I can take my own advice, I would be getting better. Love and hugs to you and your family.

Comment by Vedi R on January 21, 2011 at 6:39pm

It's been two and a half months since I lost my sister. She died in a horrific car accident. She was on her way to yoga class and a man coming in the opposite direction slid directly in front of her and collided with her head on. I don't think that I will ever accept the fact that she's gone forever. I still want to hear her voice and see her smile. I too agree that life is really not fair. There are so many people who want to die because of illness and so on and here my poor sister was with a voracious drive to live and she gets killed in the process.  I will never understand why this had to happen. I keep hoping that this is just a nightmare that I will eventually wake up from but everyday I wake up to reality and I become more depressed. I hate it when people say it will get better with time.....I think its the opposite because the slow realisation sinks in that she's never ever coming back.

Comment by Stephanie on January 20, 2011 at 12:12am

Hi Jennifer. It is very tough to deal with. I just started reading some new books in hopes that they will shine some much needed light my way. I will post once I finish them to see if they are any good =). It's strange, 2 months after Sarah died, I was up every morning working out and getting on with life. Then, my brother and I took a trip to Colorado to spread some of her ashes while hiking and once we got back, it hit me. She wasnt here anymore. She REALLY really wasnt here anymore and I just left part of her in a cold snowy place I wasnt sure she would like. After that trip I fell into a deep depression. I cut off the entire world except for my live-in boyfriend and close family. Even then, things between my boyfriend and I havent been the same. It's like he doesnt know what to do or say to help. And I dont know what to tell him to do to help. All I know is that it has slowly been getting better. I started anti-depressants but shortly quit taking them after 3 months of them making me feel worse.

Im certain things will get better and some days are easier than others. I just wonder how long until all the days are better?

Comment by jennifer rodrigo on January 19, 2011 at 8:25pm

Stephanie my sister younger sister Julie passed away on dec 9,2008. She was in the hospital for a while, went into a coma and then she just left us. SHe was my only sibling and it is still as painful as day 1. I understand exactly how you you feel. I am afraid to face another death of a loved one and sometimes that fear consumes me. I don`t know what to do.........it is tough

Comment by Stephanie on January 16, 2011 at 5:06pm

My older sister, Sarah, dies November 16, 2008. She had just turned 30 days before being rushed to the hospital. She was there for almost 3 weeks before finally passing. Sarah was 4 years older than me and growing up I idealized her. She was not only my sister, but my best friend, my sounding board, my everything. She was diagnosed at the age of 9 with Juvenile Diabetes (Type 1 Diabetes). Sarah spent 21 years battling this disease since she never really accepted the fact that she had diabetes and would always have it until they found a cure.

 

On October 28, Sarah was rushed to the hospital after my father found her near comatose in her apartment after falling ill the day before. The problem with diabetics is when they become sick, unlike "healthy" people, their illness can take a turn for the worse very quickly. The strange thing is, Sarah knew what she was supposed to do when she got sick. This wasnt her first rodeo. But for whatever reason, she didnt call the doctor or anyone for that matter.

 

8hours of being in the trauma room in the ER, she was finally brought up to ICU where the nurses tried to intubate her (start on a breathing machine). During this process, she stopped breathing 3 times before they were able to successfully intubate her through her nose. What we didnt know at the time was that each time she stopped breathing part of her brain was dying. It took 3 weeks for us to realize that regardless of what was going on inside her body (kidney loss, infections, heart attack), she would never be the same again.

Sarah was in a coma for those long 3 weeks and I was there, next to her side each and every day. In the back on my mind I was preparing for the worst (at night I would go to her apartment and "clean"). But during the day I had a smile on my face and positive thoughts to share with the nurses, doctors, and my family. I really really wanted that miracle you see on TV when the person wakes up and it completely healthy. I kept waiting for the doctors to have good news. But that never happened and the doctors only had bad news to share. I was ready and willing to spend every day of the rest of my life waiting next to her, holding her hand until she got better, but it wasnt until my father looked at me and said "I cant do this anymore". In my mind, we were killing her if we were turning the machines off. The doctors told us they would stop giving her insulin and stop the feeding tube. The only thing that Sarah would have was a morphine drip for the pain. I couldnt wrap my head around all of this. If God wanted her dead, why couldnt she just die on her own...with all the machines still on? Why did we have to make the decision to turn everything off?

 

It took Sarah 2 days to finally pass on her own. Her whole life, she ran on what I referred to as "Princess Time". And by golly she wasnt going to leave this world any other way. Sarah waited until we left the room to have lunch to begin her final passage. When we got back into the room, she took a couple more breaths and then she was gone. November 16, 2008 at 2:52pm. It was the worst and best time. I knew she was no longer in pain or suffering and could always watch over me, my brother and younger sister like the big sister always did....but I still wanted her here, next to me.

 

It's been over 2 years and it still hasnt got any easier. I still find myself wanting to go over to her apartment when Im bored. I find myself picking up my phone to call her to tell her a funny joke, ask her to lunch, or bitch about life. But she's not there anymore. She cant answer. 

 

About a year ago it hit me that Sarah wont be here to be my bridesmaid. I cried so hard over something so silly. Sarah never had the chance to get married or have babies or anything that she really wanted to do in life. It's not fair. And I find myself having panic attacks when I think about all the things I havent done yet. I dont want to die before finishing "my bucket list".

Sarah still finds her way into my dreams every now and then. I love those dreams. For the longest time though, she would appear and we would be in the hospital and she would still be alive. I would try to explain to her that she died and then catch myself and stop, hoping that she wasnt dead.

 

SInce Sarah's death, I have pushed everyone away without realizing it. It's almost like I dont want to be close to anyone again in fear that I will lose them like I did her. I dont want to go through the death of another person I love so dearly. I've dealth with the loss of my mom and 2 friends, but none of those affected me the way Sarah's loss did.

Comment by jennifer rodrigo on December 7, 2010 at 9:03pm

Day after tomorrow dec 9 will be two years --Julie left me on that day
I am panicking,can't sleep, can't think..I miss her ............

Comment by jennifer rodrigo on November 17, 2010 at 8:22pm

My younger sister Julie left me on Dec 9,2008. Her death anniversary is approaching. She was 32, my only sister, my best friend. She was sick for four months with an infection to her brain, and I visited her in Belgium in October 2008. She was sad she couldn't show me stuff and asked me to visit her in April so she can do stuff with me. The day I left she asked me to stay for one more day, but I had to come back to Toronto. I miss her so much. I have no words...Life is so painful...We used to talk everyday.With lots of family issues with my mom and dad she was my rock and I was hers. I feel so alone...

Comment by mysisterdalesgarden on October 19, 2010 at 2:51pm

I lost my sister to lung cancer six years ago. I miss her every day. To help me deal with the loss I decided to do something positive and dedicate a garden in her memory. The garden has provided me a place to visit her memories and she in turn sends me messages in the form of flowers and fruit. Take a look when you feel the time is right. You can dedicate a flower to your wife---others has found that helpful. www.mysisterdalesgarden.com

Comment by ginger darlene masters on September 20, 2010 at 9:45pm

I have went a year now without my sister and the pain hasn't gotten better at all. The thing that you can do is pretend you are ok around other people because they think that if you don't get on with your life then something is wrong with u. The thing I hate hearing the most is it will get easier. The only way it will get easier is if she would still be here.

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