I do not know how to cope with this loss. I do not know how to function like a regular person, when I feel I have been altered permanently. I am filled with rage. Patience is not a virtue I was born with, and now I am pushed to the limit. Having a two year old son while going through this grieving process seems like an impossible juxtaposition.

I remember my brother's laugh, his expressions, his face and am jolted to my core with the realization that his being gone is…

I wish  I coul say I  had a close relationship with my parents  like many here but did not -They were quite dysfunctional. But my  husband Howard, who died May 2010 was my ALL  Pal, lover, husband,confidant, supporter of my dreams- at times even a  parental figure since I had none. No one loved me like he did . I dream of him I  think of our happy times  over 47 yrs . Then my heart sinks when I realize I will not see him  ever again. I am not one who believes our…

My sister had me join this blog so that I could get some emotions out without burdening complete strangers, which I do often.

So here I go again. I feel like I lost more than my father I lost my mother as well. My mom has always worked and my father was the one who raised us. My mom had trouble relating to us, becasue of severe anxiety. SO my dad filled both roles at home. Now that he is gone it is apparent how little we actually had of our mother and now what remains is just an empty…

Hello to myself and everyone,

I am struggling with the idea that life goes on. Why? Why can't I take a sec? It hurts too much to just progress, I am not ready. But each day I have to function for my family, for my little ones. Then of course I feel heartless becasue I did. Doesn't my father deserve more?

There is no difficulty that enough love will not conquer;

no disease that enough love will not heal;

no door that enough love will not open;

no gulf that enough love will not bridge;

no wall that enough love will not throw down;

no sin that enough love will not redeem...

It makes no difference how deeply seated may be the trouble;

how hopeless the outlook; how muddled the tangle; how great the mistake.

A sufficient realization of love will…

Working, if you can call it that, on another essay...I don't know how I can do that, as I can't see the key board.  My first birthday without you.  This time last year, you were so sick, but here.  I miss you so much.  Life is again, lifeless without you.  Just going through the motions 'till we are together again. 

I don't feel you fading away, I feel you right with me.  I hope that I'm not stopping you from the work that you need to do.  But I want to join you so bad, so…

Yesterday was my grandmothers birthday. It was also the day my mother passed away. I know her absence has been apart of my life for awhile. I didn't cry yesterday as much I have in the past. I miss my mom every single day. But I thought about it...

Yes, I miss her. But I have to keep living. I…

After my fisrt post, I realized I should probbaly explain why I am here.  On December 31, 2010 I lost my husband Tim after a brief hospital stay.  We were together for just under 2 years and were married 6 months before he died.  Due to his medical history, we always knew he would pass sooner rather than later, but this was still a shock.

He had gone to the hospital on December 2, with a severe migraine, and shortness of breath.  He ended up with a blood infection which caused a…

 my namei  is mary at the age of nine iaccepted god as mypersonel savior  i  remember  my joy was going to church as afamily  seeing my dad play the guiter at church  at a early age i feelt the presents of god throughout my teenage years       and into adulthood iserved god  itwas not  easy  there  were  alot of trials  along  the way topainfull to write  about   getting married at a early age  was getting into something iwas not ready for   the doctors said icould not have any childrsn …

I lost my twin brother to alcohol on November 18, 2010. Well really I lost him to alcohol well before that. He had been drinking and smoking pot since the 7th grade (earlier some friends told me). I have to wonder what was so different about his growing up experience than mine that led him to drink. It boggles the mind really that we grew up together, shared a room till we were in the 4th grade, had all the same opportunities and challenges and it was him found dead, alone in his…

I sneeze just like my mom. I laugh explosively, just like my mom, I am a snob about education, just like my mom. When I would visit and answer her phone, people couldn't tell our voices apart. But I have spent YEARS trying not to be just like her. She was stoic, didn't believe that "talking" about feelings really helped anything. She felt that you got over bad times and strong feelings by getting active, doing things, getting things done. I on the other hand have been in therapy for five…

After reading so many entries by the people on this site of their traumatic losses, I know I have found a community of people who understand and are in the thick of grief, which is both helpful and a bit overwhelming that there is so much suffering.

The quick story is my twin brother was a life-long alcoholic and died Nov. 18, 2010. He had been out of his latest rehab facility for only two months. My Mom had open heart surgery Dec. 30 -- developed complications and died Feb. 13, 2011.…

waking at night with panic attacks, noises in the apt, bldg, have me scared that Tods fallen.  I remember sleeping on the edge of awake, think i did it for so long, his machines would alarm, or he'd drop something in the night, or god forbid he'd fall that i learned to never fall asleep...we used to laugh that it was like having a new born in the house,, it wasn't all that funny for me.

he was awake at night alot of time because he'd sleep during the day (out of boredom), but…

Hello,  I just got back from spending a week with my daughter and her girls.  Had a good time, but missed being on here. those little girls give her a run for her money. This week she is sick.  She has pancreatitis and is in an enormous amount of pain. She has high blood pressure, and just started medication for that.  Found herself getting dizzy and light headed.  Dr. told her it is because her body is not used to this…

out of  body experience....its how i feel about my days  im going through the motions getting things done, surviving but not involved on a real experience level.  i just move, do, sleep, eat, wake and do again.  everything has an anniversary, tuesdays are when we went to the hospital for the last time, fridays when he refused the ventilator, saturdays when he passed, my new life calendar.  tomorrow with be 4 weeks of tuesdays :(

when will this feeling stop?

Well it's been a few weeks since I last wrote. It's not that I don't think about him, but I think I'm all cried out and everything I wanted to say was said I guess. However, that being said I am writing because this has been a difficult day for me, even more so tomorrow. Tomorrow would have been Eric's 40th birthday. The one he did not want to spend alone and was hoping to be here already with me.  I heard from his niece that they are going to go out and celebrate it next weekend. Wish I was…

3 weeks tomorrow, i've started sleeping better, and im have intervals of not crying until someone brings tod up.  i know people mean well, but if i think about toddie i can't function, and i can't afford to lose my job.

friday night, our night to watch all of our dumb shows, stay up late, curl up and cuddle after dinner together.  the week would be over and we would wind down in each others company, thrilled to have two full days together.  He was so lonely while i worked all…

After the collapse almost a week ago, I'm finding I'm now dealing with a lot of anxiety just about being able to manage the basic details of life.  I'd thought I was doing OK at that before....and look what happened. Now the fear is that I can't even manage my own life, much less finishing the mess that my wife left me by killing herself.  It's not as bad today as it was last night, which was almost crippling.  I meet with my counselor tomorrow and plan to bring it up.  I'm really hoping…