Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Mel Royer on March 24, 2016 at 12:21pm

Mo,

I lost Nancy last April.  I still cannot bear to move her clothing, even makeup...I leave it all where it was when she last used it. I have held onto the hospital gown she died in and have kept a teddy bear from the hospital after her lung procedure 4 years ago. As long as I keep these few things, she is still with me. Do not worry about moving his things. You'll know if/when the time is right. I don't think we ever accept that they are gone...I have a ritual every morning. I break down in the bathroom while looking out the window and cry out loud, hoping one day she will hear me, "I Miss you,Nancy...please , come back to me".  I always feel a little calmer after that. I sense that our soulmates are always near us and at times we can once again feel their love and be comforted in the knowing.  Take care of yourself and I am so sorry for your loss.

Permalink Reply by Colleen McCann on March 25, 2016 at 7:27am

Mo, I am so sorry for your loss. My husband died last December. I packed most of his stuff, but have kept it. His different colognes still sit on his dresser. I wear some of them. I need to remember his smell. I have some days that i do not cry. But think of him always. I worked at home and Roger was retired/disabled. So we were together all day and night. I feel so lost now. I bounce back and forth from grieving him, to anger to panic. I just want him back. I would gladly give up anything just to have him back. I wish you ...i don't even know what to wish for you. Please take some comfort in knowing that people here are going through this, too. Yo
u can talk to them.

Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on March 24, 2016 at 12:26pm

Hi Mo,

So sorry for your loss, it has been three years since I lost my beloved Husband and I still don't know what to do with myself, I try to keep busy, but I still feel empty in everything I do. I am seeing grief theraphist and hope it will be of some help. 

Permalink Reply by O.L. Cato on March 24, 2016 at 1:06pm

My husband died in December.  I have given away a lot of his personal items he was a real "clothes horse."  Now I am at a standstill with half of his belongings in his closet.  I realized just last night why.  What if he comes home and all of his beautiful clothes are gone?  I know that's crazy but I keep thinking this is not real.  I keep telling myself he is at work and will come home later.  I sit in his chair and stare into space and cry.  God bless us all and help us with our horrible grief.

Permalink Reply by O.L. Cato on April 18, 2016 at 10:49am

Titi, 

I had done laundry the day John died.  There was one flannel shirt that I missed and I have it and treasure it.  I can still smell his scent on it.  I hold it, I hug it to my chest.  I sit in his chair.  I was angered when I cleaned out his bathroom cabinets.  So much unused meds.  He had always been so healthy, I guess he figured if he didn't take it he would be OK.  Sometimes I use his deodorant.....the scent makes me think he is with me. This is not like losing a parent or a sibling, both of which I have been through.  This is losing 3/4ths of my life.  On his b'day and our Anniv, both were within a few days of his death, I lit a candle and had a toast WITH him.  I talk to him,  I tell him what's happening with our family and friends.  I still expect to see him walk through the door.  I feel there is no life left for me........nothing will ever be the same.  He never knew what hit him and I am eternally grateful for that.  Thank God for this grief site. 

Permalink Reply by morgan on March 24, 2016 at 2:03pm

Mo,

At three weeks you might as well be at three days.  There is way more to grieving the loss of your love than those around us have ever understood.

First off give yourself time.  Lots of time.  I am coming from a perspective of three years and almost three months and some things are different but not all.  Mel explained perfectly about keeping some things close to you.  I wore my husbands black t-shirt the EMT's cut off of him for months around my neck as sort of a scarf.  I still sleep with it.  Haven't washed it.  Can't.  

Like Mel I also have a ritual.  I have a candle in my bathroom with his picture and a poem that I framed called "Ascension" that when I go in to take my shower I light the candle and when I am done I read the poem out loud to myself.  That will never change.  

I have cried more than I ever thought possible and like Mel and you and others we cry out for them to please come back to us. I have yet to have three days in a row where I don't cry.  It seems that two days is my max and many days I can still cry several times a day.  I do have more respite than the early grueling raw crying, it is different, but it has not stopped.  Some of them are so nuclear I wonder if I will come out the other side.  This may change for others but I have had to resign myself to the fact that for me this will probably stay the same.  And yes as Mel said it releases some of the emotion so will calm you down.  For a while.

Like Peggy I had to sell our home too so I had to pack up 35 years of accumulations and I sold our home in FL.  Like Peggy I just packed everything up.  I gave way some of his t-shirts to a local friend and a few things that I did not want (treadmill and some other patio stuff etc.) but mainly everything still sits packed away in a 16' container after three years.  I brought another 16' truck to where I currently reside.  Some of his clothes and work things were in there and just two days ago I unpacked one of the boxes and washed and ironed some of his shirts.  I have no idea what I am going to do with them.  It doesn't matter. 

Like Peggy, though I was grieving heavily when he died, I had to keep a job going and pack up so I didn't hit the wall totally until I moved at the eight month mark.  Like Peggy, then I hit the wall big time.  I couldn't move.  I went from one prone position to another.  Bed to sofa and back.  Lucky I didn't starve to death although my sister was trying to help me I was a basket case.  That went on for two months.

I have come to realize location for me didn't matter as the grief went with me wherever I was.  I have hung onto so many things but I see that as part of the process.  You cannot just cast aside years of love.  You never actually do.  You just rearrange.

Like Mori said distraction is key.  Little baby steps of distraction.  It will get you through minutes and then hours and then maybe a whole day.  In between you are going to break down.  I did it everywhere.  Didn't matter to me.  I am getting better at not doing it everywhere but that took about two years.  It does change with time.  It never goes away but it will get less frequent and the intensity of it changes.  It can be nuclear at times or quicker at times but the crying…..well, I have yet to figure out the answer as to how to stop grieving.  Like Mori said, we all understand here.  Each of us has had to create a new persona because our old one is long gone.    The best you can hope for is that it becomes a little less painful.

You need to do ONLY what you can.  Do not expect large and fast results from the blow that death has delivered.  We are way too used to that in our world.  The death of our love and the change it has made in our world has delivered us to a new world.  You are like an infant now who has just opened his eyes.  Everything is different than where you lived.  Baby steps.  Small tiny ones and don't think too far out in the future.  Just get through the next few minutes.

All of us here have come to care for each other.   We have been thrown together under the worst of circumstances and none of us really have any answers and none of us really wanted to be here or know each other but we know each other better than some who have known us for a long time.  Try to find someone who will listen on a frequent enough basis who will not judge your timing. If not we are here for you.

We just keep writing when we can and battle against the forces of grief the best we know how. No rules, no specific ways just minutes at a time.  Take care Mo.  

morgan

Permalink Reply by joanne on April 18, 2016 at 3:08pm

Hi morgan , I was just scrolling through and I read you have a poem called Ascension, I don't know the poem, but the other day a song came on the radio, and for some reason it just made me cry, I guess it was the words, i can't seem to stop listening to it ,if you type Ascension, by Holly Johnson into you tube you will find it, you might like too. Xxx 

Permalink Reply by Jason on March 25, 2016 at 8:46am

I am so sorry for your loss.
It is 4 weeks today since my wife died.
I do not think I have accepted it yet.
She was my everything.
We were together 26 years.
I have to empty our house because we were in the middle of moving, downsizing.
But I am keeping her clothes for now,
Keeping any note or shred of paper she ever wrote on.
Don't feel you have to get rid of anything, now or ever.
Don't let anyone tell you how to grieve.
Cry. I cry all of the time.
The best advice I ever got was to just "be"
This is not something you will ever "get over".
Know we have been in similar situations and are here for you.
Don't be afraid to ask for help.
Hugs, Love and Prayers

Permalink Reply by Joseph on April 18, 2016 at 10:06am

Mo, I lost my partner 5 weeks ago.  I think I was in shock and denial until about a week ago and know the pain is intense and ever present.  I am not even trying to cope.  How does one cope when their "happily ever after" dies?  I am literally taking things one minute at a time.  I insist on feeling all my feelings and taking all the time I need.  I will say that I am attending a weekly grief support group whenever I can.  I can't face it every week but when I go I have a space to share my reality in a safe environment.  Or if I am not able to share I listen to others.  Does this change one thing? No, but I don't feel quite as alone.

Permalink Reply by O.L. Cato on April 18, 2016 at 11:08am

Joseph,

If only our community had ongoing grief support.  There was an eleven week session that started in January.  Nothing for the present and we all need this, we need to talk to people who really understand.  I know that I was in shock when John died.  My Dr. said it is our brain's way of taking care of us.  If I had felt then, what I feel now, I would have died too...I could never have made arrangements or contacted people etc.  The shock of the sudden death protects us.  You are not alone and I don't know how I'd cope without this site.  No one wants to hear my grief and I can't blame them.  All I want to do is talk about it.  God bless us all.

Permalink Reply by Joseph on April 18, 2016 at 3:07pm

I am sorry to hear that you don't have a group in your area.  I wonder if there are any Skype type options?

Permalink Reply by O.L. Cato on April 18, 2016 at 5:08pm

I search the net for our area.  No grief sessions starting up yet.  No Skype.  I need to talk and no one wants to hear.  The children (grown adults) get upset when I mention him.  I think it's because they are still hurting so much too.  It's been 16 weeks and there is something in my that knows he will come home...I guess I am still in denial.  I think of all the things we were going to do.  Now I can't do them, won't do them without him.  I had no idea a human being could be in this much pain but we all are.

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