Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Jason on March 4, 2016 at 11:58am

Thank you, Alice.

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Permalink Reply by FLORA on March 4, 2016 at 11:50am

Hi Jason, It's coming up on three weeks for me, and I still have plenty of moments where my head is in a frenzy!!!!! Still missing him and wanting him back so bad!!! I never thought I could hurt this much. and as Alice said, all around people are going on with their lives as if nothing happened, and all the while I'm dying inside!!!! It's hard to stay home because when I'm alone, he's all I think of, and when I go out, I'm surrounded by memories of places we used to go....... I feel hopeless, and afraid that I'll never be happy again! But I keep moving forward one day at a time, I do this for my family, because I would never want to put them through the pain and misery that I'm going through!!! If it weren't for them, I don't know what I would do.

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Permalink Reply by Jason on March 4, 2016 at 11:59am

A good motto, not wanting to put them through the same pain.
Thanks again, FLORA.

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Permalink Reply by Jason on March 4, 2016 at 11:57am

The kids don't seem to miss her (too young to understand?)
She was always stressed out by them and they never listened to her. Having a constant migraine made her intollerant to any loud noise. She kept Planning projects and activities but she never Did any. It makes me more sad because in a few years it would have been perfect.

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Permalink Reply by Jane Lock on March 4, 2016 at 4:30pm

I promise you that it will be different, not like before, but not like right now. What burns us inside is our thoughts, so you have to take some time each day to do something that you need to fully concentrate on 100%. Also I took Stress-X vitamins which have a lot of vitamin B, magnesium,etc. to keep my brain healthy. Believe me that you have the most important purpose of your life now, which is your children. Just walk through this fire one small step at a time, and live only each day. Then another, then another. 

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Permalink Reply by Jason on March 4, 2016 at 4:37pm

Thank you, Jane.

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Permalink Reply by morgan on March 4, 2016 at 6:46pm

Jane is right.  I liken it to being an infant.  Baby steps.  You are going to live and learn it all from scratch again.  You are only 1 week old.  Imagine what it was like when your children were only 8 days old.  You must learn to focus your eyes before you will even be able to roll over much less learn to crawl and then walk.  

Take baby steps Jason.  Not too much into the future and not too much at one time.  Just enough to get through the moments as they come.  Each day. One by one.

Baby steps.  Get something to eat.  Get bathed.  Do only what is necessary.  Don't pile anything onto your daily tasks that is unnecessary.  Consider whatever you get done a victory because that's what it is.

Take care, come here and reach out.  We have all been where you are even though it seems like you are alone we are walking beside you.  We are all still managing our pain the best we can and we are all here to help one another.  Be kind to yourself.

Your wife is sending you the lights of the stars to help guide you.  

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Permalink Reply by Paula Marie on March 11, 2016 at 2:25pm

I can relate to everything you say. None of us can see more than a step ahead of ourselves at this time. We don't know how this will ultimately change us or where we may end up. It's not even time to think about those things. Sometimes I don't even try to "just get through a day" -- because getting through one moment is enough. Sometimes it feels like I'm going to go crazy, or that my head and heart will explode, and then the moment subsides in its intensity, only to repeat in a day or a week -- or an hour. It's a rough and unpredictable journey, but may you be comforted in knowing at least you're not on this horrid trip alone. 

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Permalink Reply by Jane Lock on March 11, 2016 at 6:53pm

I hate to admit this, but I still feel like I don't belong to this group, that it is just some weird dream. My mornings are still the most difficult, when I wake up and have to admit this reality to myself. My adult kids do not want to talk about this as much as I do, which I find strange. They tell me this is because they had a great childhood and have the foundation of love, which I didn't have growing up. However, I think it is the loneliness that faces me as the kids will be off doing their own things. I was made to be close to another person and I cannot believe that this experience is over. It is 8 months, going on 9, and I feel that it is still not real. However, unlike at the beginning, my day looks normal from the outside. Mostly just crying in the morning.

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Permalink Reply by Jason on March 12, 2016 at 7:49am

Hello Jane. This is how I feel. It has only been 2 weeks for me but I feel like my wife is just on a trip and will be back soon.
And yes, now all of that time we spent cuddling and talking has been replaced by a horrid silence, loneliness, and crying.

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Permalink Reply by Jason on March 12, 2016 at 7:51am

Thank you, Paula Marie.
A small comfort to know I am not as alone as I feel.

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Permalink Reply by Paula Marie on March 12, 2016 at 6:05pm

You're welcome, Jason. I've had two unexpected and tremendous losses that were not too far apart. Believe it or not, that happened over 2 1/2 years ago. This afternoon I feel surprisingly better. I even went out for lunch with a friend and enjoyed the company, without feeling like I had to hide the horrible depression and endure the hidden panic attacks. Today I feel I won't ever sink back into the abyss again. But this has happened to me many, many times before. It's like going in and out of two completely different realities - passing through the normal world without any interest and then falling back down into hell where everything feels unbearable; I can never predict what will make me rise or fall each day. I only know I'm not the same person since losing over half of my reality. I didn't want or ask for a "new reality," it just came. And the grief has a mind all its own and controls me at its will. Maybe, the better moments will last longer as time goes on. At the same time, I don't enjoy this "better" way of feeling, because it means I'm not thinking about my lost loved ones every moment of the day. Even when depressed, at least I feel very close to them. It's as if I temporarily forgot them.So, this is still an empty feeling. I don't know what existence is anymore. It's as if there's a huge black hole in the fabric of life where things go to disappear forever. I don't feel calm. I don't trust life. I lost my passion. I lost someone very close to me when I was a young teenager and suffered intensely for about 8 months and then it was gone. Maybe, this time, I want the grief to stay because it makes me feel closer to those I've lost. I'm totally confused and life has no more meaning. I wonder if it ever will again.

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