Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Amanda Elgkahlab on October 5, 2010 at 2:46am

i am so sorry for your loss. I too know what it's like to loose a spouse so suddenly. My husband passed 2 months ago from a heart attack at the age of 42 leaving me with our 16 mo old son. I write him letters, i don't know how to deal with it as i am still learning too. If you want someone to talk to let me know and maybe we can help each other learn how to cope with the grief.

Permalink Reply by Natasha L. on October 5, 2010 at 9:08am

Do you think the letter writing has helped? I mean, the biggest thing I miss is telling him everything. He was my best friend.
I'm sorry for your loss. It must be hard with such a young one to care for.
I've found that my daughter has really helped me not totally fall apart. She needs me to be strong, to reassure her, and to just make sure her life has that sense of normalcy.

Permalink Reply by Tammy on October 5, 2010 at 1:55pm

Hi Natasha,
I'm so sorry for your loss. My husband died November 12, 2009 and while I am coming up on one year since he died, it still feels like it was yesterday. Only God has gotten me this far. My husband was 52 and died of a heart attack. I understand the need to talk to your best friend.. your soul mate...just like you always did. I have been journaling since childhood and I have a long history of depression and anxiety, also since childhood. I write to my Jack and I also write to God in my journal. I write all kinds of things, whatever comes to my mind...uncensored. In the beginning the silence in the house was too much to bear and I actually talked out loud to Jackie, just as if he was here. I also talk to my Mom, who died April 15, 2010 from tongue and throat cancer. I wish I had some advice Natasha. However, it might help to see a psychiatrist. Antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication don't keep you from grieving. They have only keep me from killing myself. God knows I wish there was a magic pill to take away this pain. Waiting for the autopsy results is very hard. I must have called the medical examiner 100 times before I finally got the results. Then I couldn't bear to read the results for two days. I'm glad you have God, because people, even the people who love us most, truly can't understand. I am very close to my sisters and we all lost the same mother, but my husband's death just five months before my Mom's death only compounded my grief. My history of depression also makes complicates my grieving. Natasha, if you ever want to talk, please write to me. I will pray for you.
Tammy

Permalink Reply by Natasha L. on October 5, 2010 at 2:35pm

I too have a history of depression and anxiety. I was on several medications and until last Monday, xanax was the only thing I needed to manage my panic attacks.
I am a born again Christian and so was Matt. The only thing making this bearable is my belief that one day I'll see him again.
Thank you so much for your kind words and for telling me your story. I hate that so many people have to be in this boat, but I'm thankful I've found a place to help connect with others.

Permalink Reply by Tammy on October 6, 2010 at 10:50am

Natasha,
You WILL see Matt again! God knows the number of our days before we are born and life is truly only a breath. God has promised us eternal life. I know having to wait to see Matt again won't be easy, but you will see him again. In the meantime, try to do what God has planned for you during the remainder of your life. Figuring that out is hard. I'm still trying to figure out what to do with myself. For now, you have a sweet little girl to raise and a story to tell.
God bless you, Tammy

Permalink Reply by Amanda Elgkahlab on October 5, 2010 at 3:58pm

Yes writing does help. Sadly it's not a cure, but it does help especially since he was your best friend. Just weeks after my husband passed our son starting walking and changing so much, I have been writing to my husband and to my son. i have also found that my son is what gives me the strength, because I know that I need it for him. For her to see you cope well will give her the strength to cope also. I'm in a situation that for my son his days need to be as normal as possible and his real adjustment will happen later for him. But hopefully the letters that are written today in the moment will help later when it's time to read them again.

Permalink Reply by Tammy on October 6, 2010 at 10:58am

Hi Amanda,
I'm sorry for your loss. You're correct...writing helps, but it isn't a cure. You are lucky to have a son, who needs you and keeps you going. I don't have children and my "child," a spoiled 13 year old pitbull, died in April 2009. I have many nieces and nephews, and I try to keep going for them. I don't want them to have to deal with my suicide or think that giving up is an option, especially since my family has a strong belief that with God, you can survive anything.
Tammy

Permalink Reply by coachlouise on October 5, 2010 at 12:52pm

Yes, letter writing helps, I like to fold the paper in half. On one side I write to him or God and the other side I imagine God or him is writing answers back to me, it is simply amazing what this inner connection, wisdom answers. I have five free audios for you to help you with grief at www. americasgriefcoach.com I send you love, Coach Louise Rouse

Permalink Reply by Natasha L. on October 7, 2010 at 11:18am

Thank you everyone for your advice and kind words. I haven't been able to bring myself to writing anything other than how I've been feeling.
This past week has been spent going through all of our things and deciding to sell most of what we owned. My daughter and I moved in with my parents until I'm ok to be on my own again.
I find that there is just so much to do now. Turning off his cell phone, changing the bank accounts, figuring out what bills need to be paid. My dad has been a great help. He's handled most of the major decisions and is taking care of all my finances.
The most irritating thing is that I have no concentration and I feel unable to make even the smallest of decisions. I've broken down into tears over simple things like what to make for dinner. I hope this passes soon. I can tell my inability to function normally is affecting my daughter.

Permalink Reply by Tammy on October 9, 2010 at 10:36am

Dear Natasha,
I'm so glad that you have the support of your family. It is overwhelming trying to settle your husband's affairs. My husband was a business owner. So in addition to turning off his cellphone and closing credit card accounts (that we did not share), I had to deal with what to do with his business. I closed it, but the work of settling his business affairs continues. This has been so overwhelming because I also had meltdowns over making very basic daily life decisions. I didn't always shower, brush my teeth or comb my hair and I would walk around in his bathrobe all day. Natasha, I know what it's like to cry over making dinner or some other decision, which was an automatic act before our losses. Now, EVERYTHING takes effort. After weeks of being in the house, I got dressed one day to go out (I don't recall where I was going), but I had a flat tire. I sat in the driveway and cried. I could change a flat tire, check oil, jump start a car, etc by the time I was 16 yrs old, but that became my husband's job. If I had a flat tire, he was there to fix it. I am slowly regaining my independence, but it is very, very hard. Also, your daughter can't help but be affected by the loss of her father and by your grief. Children are resilient. There is nothing abnormal about your behavior and she will ultimately watch you get through this, which is an important life lesson.
Hang in there Natasha!
Tammy

Permalink Reply by terry slocum on October 7, 2010 at 6:41pm

I am so sorry for your loss Natasha. I lost my boyfriend on Aug. 2 very suddenly to what appears to be either a heart attack or brain anuysum. I just wanted to tell you I no about the unbelivable pain you are going through and I can tell you that the deep cutting pain you are going through right now does get better. The first couple of weeks I thought I would go crazy from the grief but I prayed to god alot and even talked to my boyfriend to help me to cope.It still is very painful but just take it a day at a time or even an hour at a time. Don't try to look to far ahead and try and not think about the what ifs and the never thoughts because the what ifs thoughts brings on the anxiety and the nevers brings on the depression ,so I try not to drell on those thoughts. I hope I was able to help in some small way.

Permalink Reply by Toni Davis on October 8, 2010 at 1:35am

25th of September was the first year anniversery of my partner dying suddenly.

What a year.

In New Zealand we have just started day light savings and the birds are twittering in the twilight as I speak. On the way home today, I just wondered how the hell it is that a human body and soul can feel so much pain and still live.

Some days I gave myself a pat on the back for getting out of bed at all. It was a mammoth effort to even care about having a shower or cleaning my teeth because I thought, I just don't care any more.

Some of us will have had experiences before what brought us all here. We kept believing and trusting that if we just kept going it would turn out ok. And then we get the final blow. And then have to make a decision whether to keep trying or not.

I do not have the answer to that one. But in giving up I have found a certain freedom. Whether I give up or not, the blossoms will bloom with or without me, the dogs will race through the long grass, not because I am here, but because they still keep choosing to take each second as it comes.

I really understand the enormity of taking a shower and cleaning your teeth. But every time you do it you are going to be the tree that went through a killer winter and then had blossoms to show that you are beautiful, strong and alive.

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