Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Suzanne Ballard on May 17, 2010 at 7:14am

Hi, Other Suzanne
I am so sorry you are feeling so despondent. Like you, I lost the love of my life in March to a hard and cruel death from renal cancer. It was a horrible situation and I was his primary caregiver. I took the last year off from nearly everything...family, friends, everything...to be with him and to take care of him. We spent every moment of every day, except for hospice and hospital stays, together. In 16 years, we spent about 2 weeks worth of nights apart, less than one a year.

Now I am so sad and lonely without him that it is almost unbearable. I have to force myself to do many things. On top of that, my mother in law said I have to vacate the house we lived in for the past 10 years and so I don't even have the luxury of grieving on my own time. It is incredibly hard and some days is just seems that if my life was just over, it would make the pain go away.

Problem with that is that I don' t know what the "Great Mystery" has planned for us beyond. I don't believe that there is heaven or hell or any of the things that most people seem to take comfort in when in this situation. I am very spiritual and believe in a Supreme Being, but just not in the traditional church way. What I do believe is that I don't know what there might be beyond this plane of existence. Because I do believe that there is a God, I don't want to take the chance that I might screw up my chances to see my Dave again by taking my own life. Too many spiritual paths believe that would bring punishment for me not to consider that strongly.

But I think your PCP should understand that your grieving process is taking you down a very long, scary road but at the same time it is not unusual to travel it. If you don't have the right to be depressed, who does? If your provider is caring and understanding, he/she should have already suggested that you see a therapist. If you have seen this person and you are as depressed as it sounds like you are, I would think that the doctor would have noticed. And if not noticed, then been sensitive enough to talk to you about your emotional state and to explain that you are experiencing a stage of grief and to get help if it gets out of hand. There are plenty of people who get into that state of grief who have to have therapy because they can't get themselves out of it on their own.

This is a process and it is different for everyone but you are not alone in your grief. Millions of people die every year and for most of them, they leave behind bereaved loved ones that they miss like we miss ours. I feel like if I let myself feel too much self-pity and sadness, then I am dishonoring the memory of the incredible love I shared with my Dave. I love him too much to trivialize the memories of all the wonderful things we did together and the depth of the love we had for each other. When I only focus on his death and the fact that he is not here anymore, I feel like I am diminishing him and I simply can't have that, so I press on and get on with my life. I have to make myself remember all the good things sometimes, but I have to pass through this dark valley to come out into the light on the other side.

There are threapists who specialize in grief. You should look for one on your own if you are uncomfortable talking to your physician. I think if you mentioned the depth of your depression, you might get in to see someone rather quickly.

Good Luck.
Suzanne B

Permalink Reply by Laura Villarreal on May 17, 2010 at 8:56am

Suzanne, my heart goes out to you. Though I have not lost my husband, my 33 year old daughter (and only child) died as the result of injuries from an ATV accident on May 25, 2009. The feelings you describe are the same ones I experienced. I held myself together for about a month (she died in Alaska and I live in Texas) because there was just too much to do. I saw my PCP on June 22, 2009 and fell apart. I cried non-stop the entire visit...because there was a behavioral therapist down the hall I was walked over there to talk with her after seeing my PCP. One of the first questions they asked me was whether or not I was suicidal and my response was a resounding no. I also told them I had no desire to live but would do nothing to hasten my death. I even refused anitdepressant medications for fear they would create suicidal thoughts where there were none! I do not believe suicide answers any questions and would cause more harm (to those left behind). I went through the motions of each day looking forward to bedtime as this was the only time my thoughts did not torture me. And each day that I woke up I was so disappointed that I was still alive...didn't God understand I needed to be with my child? I was diagnosed with PTSD resulting in panic/anxiety attacks. To this day loud and/or unexpected sounds are sure to result in an anxiety attack. In December I started seeing a psychiatrist and will continue to see him until I feel I don't need to anymore. Grief is such a confusing, angry, sad, isolating process. No one can tell you how to grieve or for how long...all three of my doctors have quit asking me the standard "do you feel suicidal" questions. It is just a great sadness now. I have learned to find bits of happiness here and there...my 4 dogs can be such clowns at times and I cannot help but smile and laugh at times. Oh, something else I experienced was guilt. I felt guilty just being alive or when I got hunger pangs or when I was out shopping and saw something pretty and thought to buy it. My entire existence was one big guilt trip...
The death of someone we have loved for so long and so deeply is traumatizing. It changes who we are and we transition into a new/different person. I will not say a better person because I just don't see how losing my child would make me better.
Your grief is still very new; this website was a godsend for me and I pray you find some comfort here.
Laura

Permalink Reply by Kirstine Rushing on May 17, 2010 at 3:52pm

Suzanne,
I was thinking about you this weekend. Sadly, you and I share the same dreadful date of Jan 22--that is when I lost my mom. I was thinking about you though b/c I received a new Christian novel and it reminded me of you. It was about a lady that lost her husband to a heart attack and she just doesn't want to live anymore. She gives up everthing she ever loved and basically is just living for her children and going through the motions. For 15 months she just watches tv, barely eats and just is down and out. Finally one day she decides to go on a road trip to see a place her husband and she wanted to visit together. I got the book on Friday night and finished it on Sunday it was so good. It was a great book at showing how this lady heals along the way by all of her encounters on the trip. Even if you think its hopeless, it might be good to get lost in a good Christian book like this. I ordered it at www.christianbook.com and its called Tender Grace by Jakina Spark. It helped me, but it was more aimed toward a spouse specifically a wife and she was in her late 50s. I paid $3 for it. You should get it. If I had your address, I would buy it for you and send it to you! You know I am here anytime you need to talk, just email me: kirstinerushing@hotmail.com I didn't lose my husband, but I lost my mom and best friend on the same very day, so our grief is in the same raw place. I've really found that loosing myself in a book these days not only takes my mind of things, but helps me get a good perspective on things no matter how bleak they are and feel. Hugs ((()))K

Permalink Reply by Lilly pizer on May 17, 2010 at 6:59pm

Tell your PCP, if you need a referral to a therapist, just tell him the basics, "I think I need to see a therapist, I am having a lot of trouble functioning since my husband died and I think I need someone to talk to, Can you refer me to someone?" You don't have to tell him you want to die, that can be a conversation between you and your therapist. On the other hand...there is nothing wrong with telling him your thoughts either, just be careful, b/c he may prescribe medication that can have a depressing effect. I don't think there is anyone who wanted to go on without their spouse... it's not fair, its not fun, it wasn't in the plan, life doesnt make sense without him..... etc. Now I am not a therapist, but seems to me you have lost your zest for life, your hope in the future, your reason for being.... Although you don't WANT to be here or move on without him.... You are going through the motions of life...because the truth is... you don't have to pay your bills, you don't have to go to family functions, you don't have to go to the doctor, you do because you are a SURVIVOR (eventhough you may not want to be)... you are STRONG.... and that fact that you know you need to see a therapist...says that you want help. I suggest you follow your instincts and seek the help you need and deserve. I hope I wasn't too bold... and of course these are only my thoughts, no one really knows you except you, but there are plenty of resources and people to reach out to. Please take that opportunity. I believe we are here for a reason, even if we don't know what it is right now. God Bless you Suzanne.

Permalink Reply by Pastor Jenine Marie Mason on May 17, 2010 at 8:58pm

Suzanne,
When my son was murdered I had the same feelings you do. I felt I would never be happy about anything again in my life. I walked around like a zombie. I literally was a human with no soul. That is what it felt like to me. I would go into the store, put stuff into the grocery cart, see a favorite cake mix my son loved, and then I would turn around , leave the cart, and go into the car and stare for what seemed like hours. For a long time I could not deal with being around people. Having people talk made me feel overwhelmed even if they were not talking to me! I wanted to "go home" and be with my son. I missed him. I ached for him. I would "stalk" people who looked like him, not meaning to scare them or do anything. I just wanted to get a look at him alive again. My mentor Pastor told me that when someone loses a loved one it is the closest thing to insanity we can to through. She survived the suicide of her son. I had anxiety attacks as well. I am a woman of deep faith, a minister, and psychology major. Yet, none of that gave me any comfort at that time, when it was fresh. It has been 12 years and I still struggle with feeling depressed and wanting to go home . It does not happen as often as it did just after it all happened but it still happens. I went on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds. They did help alot. I also went on crying jags that lasted a long time and then would not for awhile. They still come over me sometimes and I get into my bed, the tub, or somewhere alone and let it rip. I guess I have shared all of this to say this, "what you are feeling is usual" for what you have gone through. Allow yourself to cry, be happy at times, feel empty, talk, want to be alone, etc. But you should tell a counselor your feelings. I will share this.. I told mine and he helped me alot. He understood that my loss was creating what I was feeling and not my desire to die. We do die in a sense. It is like something inside dies to the memories of what was and the memories of what "might have been". It comes on us like waves and once I learned to go with it, it became a bit easier to bear. I am so sorry for your loss and if I were there, I would hug you and hand you a tissue. Sometimes that is the best anyone can do for us.