Thank you for posting your tribute article - so evocative and insightful. What you said about things you did together and also things you did alone being stripped of all meaning is exactly true. Everything is emptied out.
Hello Michael I was writing to you to check in see how you been doing lately I am not doing very well this month is my husband's birthday honestly I've been a wreck since New Year's and I haven't been on this site for a bit so I wanted to reach out and see how you were doing I hope you are well
I just saw you friend request and have accepted. I lost my husband of 21 years to cancer in April this year to cancer. He was 45. I miss him terribly. I know the fear, it seems when Jimmy died everything has decided it wants to break around here.
Hi Michael how are you doing today my cold is getting better just trying to get through these next few days can you tell me how the Skype works I'm not real familiar with it only talked with my daughter once on it, i've only had this phone since January so I'm still kind of learning to navigate it.take care
I understand what you mean. My fears have expanded. I don't fear for myself exactly...I worry about my adult children(who live with me) driving in bad weather. Doesn't matter if it's rain or snow(which we've had a lot of). I worry about things breaking down around the house. I worry about making the right decisions. I think it's just that we don't have that support that we had with our spouses. I was 33 when I got married and had lived alone and managed quite well...so where has that confidence gone?
Hi Michael hope you are doing ok today also wanted to let you know what I do when there are thunderstorms because I am terrified of them I listen to my husbands favorite music loud it helps for a little while keep my mind off the thunderstorms or I look through pictures of earlier times until I exhaust myself to sleep I don't know if these suggestions can help you I do these things because I don't take medication of any kind I don't believe in antidepressants and most medicines I can't take because I have sleep apnea The reason I don't believe in antidepressants if you were wondering is because my sister committed suicide on antidepressants. I also know since my husband passed I have an extremely hard time going in public I don't know if these are things that are happening because he's gone or because of the grief I don't really know maybe that's why you're experiencing what you're experiencing I really don't know i'm sorry hope I was of some help have a good day my friend
Hi Michael. So sorry I have been absent. Are you eating? Are you sleeping? As a fellow griever and as a counselor, we need to make sure we are taking care of ourselves. This is of utmost importance. We cannot let our health deteriorate.
Thanks for your kind words, I am sorry for your pain I am only 4 weekstomorrow into this void of hell, I have strong support from my kids but when they go for the night IT starts the absolute pain, panic and loss, I still look for her when I come home, we have a large sprawling country house then usually half way round it hits me, just like a train would , Oh my god it hurts.
I haven't responded much to your posts not because I haven't wanted to but because I have such limited energy and I just don't know who to respond to next. There seems to be so many of us who are carrying such a huge burden about the death of our loved one and there are times when I just don't know what to say.
I reread your original post "I am lost without my wife. Its that simple…the quiet is deafening. The loneliness is equally so. There is now no rapport to carry me through the day." I couldn't agree more.
I spent 35 years sharing that rapport with the man who was my soul. I am now just three years past his death and though slowly I became more able to function, the emotional devastation of having to live without him has not lessened much. I cry less often and that is a good thing as physically it is creating what I am pretty sure will elevate into more complicated issues. But the quiet, the lack of him being there, the inability to share ideas with him……..all of what we came to understand as life has now been ripped from us. Reconstructing a life has been as difficult as navigating the ocean with 20 foot waves. Exhausting, nearly impossible and not wanted.
Am I living? Yes, I still breathe. Am I loving it? No, I want it to end, the sooner the better. All I am doing is preparing what I might leave behind for others so that there isn't a mess for someone else to have to clean up. We had a home with "things" and being practical, I need to try and deal with them. After three years I still am barely getting through being able to mentally touch all of it. I never gave away any of him. Clothes, personal possessions etc. all are still packed up. I am going to attempt to deal with some of it this year. Even thinking about having to attempt it makes me want to cry.
15 months is still early. I know it is incomprehensible to think that you have suffered this long and to say it is early is nuts but I can honestly tell you it wasn't until about 30 months had passed before I could say I was even remotely able to face even the smallest things that remind me of my beloved. Up until then everything sent me into orbit. Everything.
I am so sorry for you and everyone else who is trying to manage the aftermath of losing the one person who was our light. Grief is definitely one of the most misunderstood, under diagnosed, overprescribed event in our lives. No one really understands what it's capable of doing until one has to face it. I know I didn't.
Nothing seems to help totally but we can hope there are more extended periods of distraction. Other than that its tv, computer and any task that has me thinking of anything other than how miserable I am. I hope you can find some of that in your little Yorkie. It is the best thing your wife left behind of herself. Give them lots of love.
I just wanted to wish you a New Year that perhaps brings you some hope and maybe even some happiness. The holidays were rough I'm sure, but you should try to do something for you! I went out of town to San Diego to see some wonderful friends with my son for Christmas and to be with someone during the first anniversary of my husband's death, and what would have been his birthday on the 29th. It was a relief to get away for a few days, and our friends were wonderful and caring...lots of hugs. They knew my husband from his time in the military so many years ago. It was somewhat gratifying to see how very much they cared about us. They went out of their way to share themselves with us, giving us gifts, and fixing delicious, home cooked meals. Maybe you or your wife knew someone like that and you haven't stayed in touch. I will say, despite it being the most difficult of anniversaries...the long wait at the end as I waited for my husband to leave this earth, I felt joy at being with my son, and I got to spend some time on the beach, although it wasn't terribly good weather. I have always found the Ocean to be renewing and hopeful for me, so it was a good trip. Sometimes leaving the place where everything terrible happened for a bit can make you go forward and remember that you are still an individual...you still are strong, and can go on with life.
I hope that you find some joy in little things, and remember that your wife would want you to be happy :). I hope to hear from you! I am sending good thoughts your way!
Hi Michael. I'm so sorry for your loss. I have had several significant losses in my life was well, so I can relate to what you're going through. My husband died suddenly in 2005 from a massive heart attack at the age of 35. I have raised our two children alone. My stepfather died of Glioblastoma on 12/24/13, and I lost my mom to a rare form of sarcoma on 1/11/15. The holidays have been really hard. It's been a year of firsts without my mom. I really miss her. I'll be keeping you in my prayers.
Hi Michael. It just doesn't seem possible that it's almost 2 years now because it feels like yesterday. I've had people in my life who seem to think that I should just be right as rain already. How do you explain to someone who has never felt this kind of pain before that it just doesn't go away because you are tired of seeing me sad or mad or depressed.
"Yes we have no choice but to live without our mothers. Grief and guilt will be there through out and some days will be really hard than others. Yesterday was pathetic for me as my father said something that really hit me. I hope to see my mother…"
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