Don't grieve alone; 14,000 members and growing
Hello! My name is Terrie
My daughter Candance was recently murdered in her home in TX.
I go through days when I can function normally, but days where I can do nothing but think of Candance and her death.
The police dont have a suspect, and can tell me very little about what they know.
It has been a month now since Candance died, and I received a call about a friend of mine in FL who committed suicide.
Its sad, I feel so sorry for her family......but feel guilty because the pain I feel is not for their loss but for mine. I feel lost most of the time, as if I were in a bad dream. Is this normal?
Today I felt overloaded, I don't want to deal with the simplest tasks like grocery shopping or cleaning the house. So unlike me. I push myself to go to work everyday, smile and carry conversations with my coworkers, by the time I get home I am so emotionally exhausted........I write daily in my journal sometimes it does help relieve the pain.
I am so lost right now.
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Hi,
I also feel like if i were in a nitemare.. Sometimes i feel like this is not real and when it hits me that my Grandma really did died I start haven panic attacks.. I also feel so emotionally exhausted too. I am sorry for your loss and i am also here if you need anyone talk too. I will keep you also in my prayers that justice will be served.
Terrie,
I am so sorry you lost your Candance. My son died 83 days ago, also in Texas. I don't really know what is or isn't normal about your feelings. I do know by reading about other moms that we all have the same feelings in common. I go to work, but don't remember most of it. Feels like being a zombie. It's all unreal, So hard to believe and accept that our babies are gone. I have found a lot of comfort on face book, one place is "grieving mothers" and the other is "my child has wings". Sure helps to talk to other mothers and see how they are dealing with this horrible tragedy. And I was so shocked to see all the questions I had, they had too. All the things I've been saying, they are saying too. Please go there. You'll find solace with the other Moms. I sure do.
Are you able to get a police report? Maybe that could answer some questions for you. I'd think there were be a detective you could call and get information. My son died at his home from a blood clot. I can get the autopsy report but it will be a long while before I ask for it.
Hugs to you Terrie and again, I'm so sorry.
Bobbi
Bobbi,
I am sorry to hear about your loss too.
I wish I had answers, but eventually they will come out. Yes there is a Detective but he is very rarely at his desk. I speak with the leiason most of the time, but she is mostly a go between and really cannot answer any of my questions. I do know how Candance died, which is different than what the public has been told. It doesn't make it easier to know how she died. As a mother you never want to think about how evil people are. I don't think I am ready to see the police report yet.
Candance and I were very close, we talked and texted daily....I miss her so much..........I wake every morning with a prayer that today will be the day that the monster will get caught...........I go to bed every night with the same prayer. I will go on the FB and join them also.
Thanks for listening....
Hello Terrie,
First let me say how sorry we are that you needed to find your way here because you lost your precious daughter in such a horrible, shocking way. I do not know the pain of losing my child to murder, but my father was murdered 3 1/2 years ago, right before x-mas 2007. The killer was not charged until this past June 24.
I don't have much to offer you about how to deal with this stage of your life. I imagine if you are like me, you are only remotely emerging from that initial shock. It would be hard to be much more reactive with the additional death of your friend. The boards tell us that loss of a child is the most traumatic loss. Be kind to yourself, you feel(or don't feel) what you feel ( or what you don't feel) Believe it or not, putting one foot in front of the other, as you can, to continue your routines, is part of how to take care of yourself. If you need to take care of yourself by leaving out something, don't sweat the small stuff. Also, I had to learn that by asking for help, I am giving someone the opportunity to be needed. People do need to be needed, so trust that.
The police were closed mouth about who was suspected in my father's case, as well. It was difficult to deal with some family members, that for all we knew, were suspects. They weren't suspects or were ruled out early, but the police never cleared them to us. That was awkward and we weren't able to support each other as much as we'd wished. If I had it to do over again, I would definitely contact the locale where your daughter lived to ask for victim/witness assistance right away. You are entitled to it and it's my understanding that every state and now county/city has to have this for victims and witnesses. They will liason and get as much information as possible to you. We only had contact after the perp was arrested. We had been informed early on of victims' assistance but it was nameless, faceless and trust is so impossible in the place we relatives are, from something like this. I really do understand how the whole world has changed now for you. I can't write more about that now because this would be WAY too long. I do journal as well. It is also helpful to the police investigation because things rise to the top of our consciousness in reminiscing, that we didn't share initially.
I don't know why this had to happen to us, why someone chose to thrust us into this Hell. But I do know that I will honor our loved ones and live my life in a way that will give meaning to our tragedies. Keep coming back, whether you write us or not; I've "lurked" sometimes, too overwhelmed but I always read something that gives a little peace or let's me know I'm not crazy or shows me I'm a little better that day than I was ____time ago. (((((Hugs))))) Ruth
Ruth,
Thank you. I try so hard to distract myself but the thoughts just will not go away. I know that this has changed me for the rest of my life, dealing with the grief has been hard on me....I am fine as long as the person I am speaking with does not get emotional, when they tear up and cry, I do too.
I cry every morning when I wake up and every night before I go to sleep.
I am so sorry for the loss of your father, that must have been just as devistating for you and your family.
I am very thankful that I never ended a conversation with Candance without saying I love you. This is something her sisters deal with daily, the guilt of not telling her they loved her.
I think the police are doing what they can with what they have. I know dna was found, and fingerprints.
I speak with the liason weekly now (it used to be daily), but there is no information they can give me, other than the little I have been told so far. I am working on my victims assistance paperwork and will get that out this week.
We went through years of being a happy normal family, it seems like once something bad happened everything escalated from there......I work for a bank, in Nov. of last year right before we closed we were robbed. It was an armed robbery, I later found out that the guns were loaded and both robbers had bulletproof vests.
We were lucky that the driver of the get away car hit a curb and blew a tire a few miles from the bank and all were caught. 2 weeks ago was 2 of the robbers sentence dates, normally I would have been satisfied reading about the sentence in the paper, but since Candance died I refuse to let them get the best of me. I sat in court with the detective and after it was over I look their family in the eyes and said, he got what he deserved.....
One got 20 years after suspensions, the other got 30............one more to go!! his sentence will be on the 22nd of Sept. I will be attending that. I also found out this was a family business in operation since 1994!!! Each have been served with 24 other counts of armed robbery from the federal government. I breath a sigh of relief knowing that they will never breath free air again.....caged like the animals they are. I hope to be as strong when they find Candance's murderer and will push for the death penalty.
I think this is all that is driving me now. I get angry alot. I just want this to end!!!
Sometimes I wish I could wake up from this nightmare!
Thanks for listening!
Terrie
Dear Terrie,
Aren't we lucky that "I love you" was built into our relationships? My dad could be very difficult acting sometimes but we all stuck it out because he was still the best daddy he could be. Even with my husband, they were closer than my husband with his dad or my dad with his sons(my brothers). Thank goodness, there are fingerprints and DNA in your daughter's case. Sooner or later, the police will find this monster. I'm so terribly sorry you had to read what they did to your little girl. It hurts my heart more than I can say. I cry about a lot of things now too. Maybe it's good my heart is more tender even though it means rivers of tears sometimes.
Today was my dad's murderer's arraignment. He pled "not guilty" and was actually shocked when the judge ruled against their Franks-Mann motion saying there wasn't enough evidence. [NO, JUST YOUR DNA in my dad's bathroom and his DNA/blood on his money that you stole and paid the landlord to pay your late rent!] Last time they tried to get his record setting bail bond of $1 million reduced to $20,000. That didn't happen either. This creature actually thinks he is going to get away with this, just because he wasn't charged for so long. Plus he nearly killed another man, since then. He hit a bar patron over the head with a bottle twice, then jumped into a 5mile an hour current river in late Oct. to escape. That is how criminals are. I know what you mean about its family. The father is a criminal too. He lied on the stand at the initial arrest hearing. My son over heard one of them saying evil things when he walked past them to go to the bathroom. Thank you for going to those trials and sentencing to hold those robbers accountable. You are getting too much practice but maybe this is God's preparation as you say for when you see Candance's murderer(s) facing the court.
I go through many feelings, many different times through the day. Lately, because I know for sure who is responsible, it is anger. I am surprised to not feel what I thought I would:Hate. I feel disgust and contempt but weirdly not hate. I am not aware of a lot of the facts of the case yet though so who knows? This time of year is hard for me, when the leaves turn, because 20 years ago, my Mommy died. I always link the leaves and that grief together. Now Thanksgiving and Christmas are too hard. I wonder if I'll decorate this year. We haven't since 2007. I still have times where I've heard something interesting and I have to check myself from calling Daddy to tell him about it. We all do. If you are not feeling strong, that is ok here. Any bad feeling or rant or screaming. I will probably be doing my share as well. I have to get to bed, so God bless us all, Ruth
Dear Ruth,
I think of you often and cannot believe that MONSTER pled not guilty. How long ago did this evil get caught? You must be a special person not to have hate in your heart for this Evil Monster!!!
I often fantasize that the Monster that killed Candance is caught and I can finally look him in the eyes and tell him in an unlady like way what a piece of garbage he is and I would gladly pull the switch, pull the trigger or what ever it takes to rid this world of such evil.
I know in my heart I would never do that, but it does make me feel a little better...........but I will never not say I dont hate him.......I think that is what is keeping me going right now.
Do you think that is bad of me to think that way? I try in my daily living not to judge anyone for what they have and do not have and who they are. To me everyone is the same. But in my home there is good and there is bad. It breaks my heart to know that so many deaths are caused by criminals who have been committing crimes all their lives. I dont know the person who murdered your dad, but I would bet that he has seen the inside of a cell before.
You are brave Ruth. I only hope that when the Evil Monster who killed Candance is caught and goes to trial I can refrain myself long enough to hear the words guilty.....and death.......I know I have a long way to go for that and alot of emotions to go through..........for right now I cry and cry..............and get angry alot......
Terrie
Hello Everyone,
Welcome to you, Ashley Nicole. I'm sad there is another one of us but we will be blessed to share with each other what is otherwise unendurable. Today was busy but with the Labor Day weekend there will be extra jolts of remembrance and heartache.Tonight, I had a bit of one heating up the Weber. Daddy bought one when they first came out. Oh the memories...
When I said I don't have hate, I just mean I don't have an active desire to obliterate him. Yet. I haven't not read any of the technical reports in the discovery or had to listen to court testimony yet. I intend to be there every moment of the trial. I do have an intense anger about this man's choices and decisions, as well as those of his family who helped him in this whole situation.
I do not think badly of you for ANYof your feelings Terrie, not at all. You are a victim as are we all. It was not OUR choice to be here in this Hell, physically separated from our precious ones before the natural end of their life. We have the horrible added dimension that another person took our loved ones from us. Especially because we value sharing, and taking care of each other. My feelings, your feelings come to us unbidden, frequently as part of our bodies coping with shock. I've had to learn strategies to deal with these feelings. New words for feelings.
I know exactly what you mean about how you try to live, not judging who a person is,etc. I was raised the same way, there is right and there is wrong. I then had training ( though I'm not a doctor) "First, do no harm". My daddy's people are from Appalachian GA. They had a little wood chapel that my granpap's grandfather built. They are what they call "Red Letter" Christians. They only had circuit preachers a few times a year, but conducted services themselves. I don't know if you know about "Shape note hymnals" but they sang acapella for their music. Their emphasis was the Red letters in those editions of the King James bible that highlighted Christ's words in red. That was their focus, What did Jesus say? What would Jesus do? I was confirmed in the Methodist Church but we have in our household what we only partially jokingly call The Church of Bill and Ruth. If it isn't kind or isn't helpful, I (usually) won't say it. My husband is even better about that. Our family is musical and I think that has a lot to do with it.
My biggest issue right now with my religious feelings is the forgiveness problem. I am really wrestling with that. Lately I've decided, I can't yet because I don't have all the facts yet. And if anyone (public) asks me I'm going to respond that is a bookkeeping matter between me and the Maker. I have a feeling that is the way it is going to end up. That I will tell God one day that I am willing to want to forgive but He's going to have to work on the wanting part. I just can't think of anything more awful than where that creature must be, apart from God. If he wasn't then he'd own up and submit. You are right that this man has been in jail before. Several times. And some other things have come to light that will probably upset some people worse than what Daddy's murder has. Which is plenty. Even our prosecutor, the state Assistant Attorney General, choked up and teared up a couple of times at the first meeting and at one other meeting, as well.
The murderer was arrested a couple of months after he returned to the area, on May 24 this year. The murder was discovered Dec 15, 2007. As you can see, it has been a long haul to get to this point. There are many, many reasons for that. From what I know so far, I do not blame the police for how long this has taken. They have been very frustrated over the last I'd say 2+ years because our local DA is worthless. That's the best way to put it. I had to get political( not publicly) and show the state department of Justice it was in their interest to pursue the prosecution, not the local clown. What helped me there is the city where Daddy was murdered, doesn't have the resources to handle this situation and the City police knew that right away and called the state investigators/detective immediately from the first. Most of the money spent in the investigation was the state's so they should get the credit, right?
I know what you mean about missing the frequent contact. I miss my Dad's letters. I have some but he wrote so often I didn't save many of them. I'm hoping I'll find more in the clutter I need to keep clearing. I don't feel very brave right now, thinking of that. Just overwhelmed and sad. I read what Denise wrote about Dorothy dreaming and then waking up to find it wasn't real after all. I really relate, I'm a huge Oz fan, grew up reading all the books but of course the movie started it all. More memories there too. That's something else that is so hard. What are beautiful precious memories are poisoned by the intrusion of this jerk, this loser. Some one of no account ( except God, maybe) is now linked to my Daddy, at least to strangers. People seem to remember the name of the perp more than the victim. The So and So murder trial, it's always the accused named in the trial so that's all everyone else remembers. Except the family, who has to hear against all our will, the name of the very person who did this to us, while my daddy and your daughter are forgotten.
My husband has off tonight and I promised myself I'd see him, so I'm signing off for now. Thank you everyone for your kind words and lending your hearts and hopes as well. Good night, Ruth
I'm not sure whether to say 'thank you' or not because given my choice, I can honestly say I'd rather not be apart of this. I'd rather be able to physically see my sister... to hear her say she loved me... anything, but I'd assume only the same for you all and your loves ones as well.
Thankfully, Labor Day weekend I've kept myself busy. I try to keep myself from thinking about it too much and I keep a journal for when I become overwhelmed. That has helped, I suppose. I also have my first counseling session on Thursday- very nervous about that and defintely not looking forward to spilling my guts face to face. I tend to fall apart when I talk about it face to face. I even tend to tear up just typing her name. Oh boy...
Hi Terrie,
I'm so sorry for your loss, I myself couldn't imagine the pain you are feeling,i could not imagine lossing a child, not only did she die suddenly but being a victim of murder must add more of a burden to you. I have lost my dad and mom to cancer, but the worst loss was my younger sister who died in her sleep suddenly on July 7, 2010 she was 41. She had two beautiful children ages 9 and 10, I too felt like I was in a movie, or a nightmare. There were times I would wake up and hope everything was a dream, I even wished I was Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, bumped my head and was sleeping for a few days and had this nightmare about her dying. I know exactly how you feel exhausted after socializing and trying to act as normal as possible, there is a line in a song that I indentified with "like a clown I put on a show, the pain is real even if nobody knows, I'm dying inside and nobody knows it but me." My faith tells me they are in a better place and sometimes that gave me hope, but it still left me feeling lost with out them. It has gotten better but I believe I will never get over it I will get through it. Grief to me is like the waves in an ocean they come fast and furious and then some calm, it is all unexpected. I still find myself reduced to tears occasionally, find someone you can talk to that has similar experience's, maybe a bereavement group or counselor. You need to tell your story, and feel like someone is listening. I journal which relieve's alot of stress because I can just say it like I feel it, no pretend. Another thing that helped me was I wrote a letter to my sister and put it in my bible, it relieves the stress of not saying goodbye or anything else I would have wanted her to know. I hope this helps a little there is also a lot of material at the library dealing with specific losses this could help you in recognizing your feelings and your grief process. I will keep you in my prayers.
God Bless,
Denise
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