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Permalink Reply by Jean on December 17, 2015 at 2:05pm

I am pretty sure I need one. This is all so very hard to handle. I just want my mother to talk too.

She passed almost 3 years ago. I lost my brother Dec 2002 his wife Jan 1999 their son offed himself Dec 2003. Now my best friend has dementia and I am feeling at the end of my rope. I try everyday to find something to be happy about. I feel like my life is a roller coaster out of control. I have given the control to God or higher power because I cannot control anything. That has been the worst thing. I have done my best to help my family in time of need. I just keep waiting for the next thing to go wrong. I want to be a more positive person with joy in my heart but honestly there are days I just want to give up.

I will be seeing my friend soon and knowing that she is not doing good and trying to help her is not going to be easy. I will do my best and try to be helpful. I just hope it does not break my heart more than it already has been.

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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on December 17, 2015 at 4:25pm

mums got evil illnes 2 jean its so not fair 

me my siblin feal bad on days wear we end up shotin at her we dont mean 2 

sorry im cryin abot it 

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Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on December 18, 2015 at 5:46am

Hi Jean,

Having no one to share your grief with is the worst thing in the world beside losing the person you love. I do find the site more helpful than my own family and friends. Thank God for it.

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Permalink Reply by HollowHeart on December 18, 2015 at 10:33am

Linda, I'm on about 3 other grief sites besides this one and they all have offered their own level of help, and they are have also been more helpful than family and friends. Talking with people who are going through it helps not just because we are really dealing with a painful loss, but our level of sadness and misery is going to last much longer than people not close to that person or lives aren't and won't continue to be directly affected. Those people will be sad but move on in days, maybe a week, then forget about it. And some of those supposedly understanding people will expect the same of us.

Their perspective is, 'Well, you have to move on' but it's easy for them because they have no emotional stake in the situation. I know some who have gone through this before, but years ago so they have dealt with it however they dealt with it, and I feel like they expect me to do the same. Yet, it took them years to do so but they aren't giving me years. They are looking for me to be Rainbow Brite in 2 weeks. I have no one my real life that gets this.

 

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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on December 17, 2015 at 4:07pm

no

i need 1 

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Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on December 18, 2015 at 5:46am

Hi Jo,

Me too

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Permalink Reply by morgan on December 17, 2015 at 9:17pm

Linda,

Your pain is palpable.   I think the ear of another can be very beneficial.  I have found that kind of help in the friend that my husband chose for me.  I can't say my husband knew what was going to happen to him but a couple months before he ended up in the ER to be diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and death following 27 days later he asked his friend to watch over me if something happened to him.  He has been the ear I needed so I have not sought out professional help.  But I know where you are going with this.  Anything that might help.  The pain is death defying.

I think one of the most important things that has helped for me is that our friend has some history of what our love was.  He knew both of us.  I don't have to explain some things to him because he heard it straight from my husbands mouth about how he felt about me.  That alone is something I find very valuable. He also has a pretty balanced view as to how hard it is to lose someone as his own relationship fell apart but it was by conscious decision not death.  But he is still friends with his ex and is a vey compassionate person.  My husband chose wisely.  

Not that it helps me when i cant talk to him or anyone.  At that point I am on my knees begging for release from the pain of losing my husband.  It is less often now as I have somewhat accustomed myself to providing enough distraction to get me through most of a day even if it is being absolutely lazy and spending hours on the computer or tv.  I squeeze as much as I can out of mindless occupation of my time.  I realize I have cauterized part of my brain.  I have had to in order not to simply agonizingly drown in my own fluids.  

Grief is not something I think even the professionals have a clue of how to deal with it.  I think honestly if I was to see a psychiatrist the first question I would ask them is how many sites where people write about their grief have they been on and read on a frequent basis.  If the answer was none or few my own PERSONAL opinion is I would say have a nice day and walk.  I am thoroughly convinced now after having walked this path for almost three full years is that our society in general is clueless as to the effects of what losing your spouse does to those whose whole loves and lives were sewn together.  It does not affect all the same way. But for those of us who are not climbing very far out of the hole but are destined to live out many more days the thought of it is crushing.  For a professional to understand the depth of this pain I think they need to draw on more than book form clinical knowledge.  I have had much more success being on here and having my friend's help and then just crying endlessly more than i think I would have gotten paying for words but then that is just me.  

I have toughed it out without meds.  Only because I feel chemicals alter the state of our minds and I also felt I needed to experience the pain in order to come out the other side.  Whether that "side" has been revealed to me I am not really sure.  I just don't know if meds would have helped when the ear I needed so much was not there. Just not sure I could plan my most needed moments when I was seeing a psychiatrist.  I think I wasn't sure that meds would pop up when I needed them most so I avoided it.  Never been one much for pills anyhow.  My husband was my best medicine..  But that is not to say it isn't a good thing.  It was just my choice.

Your Julian was your star.  The light that made your life bright.  He loved you more than life and left you only with spirit.  Is it enough?  I know you want more, so do I.  It's just no longer available so we are left with reaching out to whatever we hope will help us.  You can always give a psychiatrist a try and if it isn't what you want or expect you can stop going.  It is an option.  good luck in your decision and your support.  We are always here no matter what.

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Permalink Reply by Linda Engberg on December 18, 2015 at 5:44am

Hi Morgan,

My regular doctor has me on three meds and they do help my anxiety but will never heal my broken heart and she was honest and told me there is no pill for that. I do see a therapist and she also lost husband and can relate to my grief. The only thing is she is not allowed to prescribe meds. My sister seen a pychiatrist after losing her granddaughter and the meds described helped her outlook on life. I am just going to give it  a try I am desparate.

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Permalink Reply by Missy on December 18, 2015 at 11:38am

Can you tell me what other grief sites you use?

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Permalink Reply by HollowHeart on December 18, 2015 at 12:38pm

Missy, sorry I wrote on your profile the list of sites, I didn't think of posting it here.

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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on December 18, 2015 at 1:09pm

legacy conect 

grief sts

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Permalink Reply by dream moon JO B on December 18, 2015 at 2:50pm

i use ths 1 lots i do coz on hear i feal ok on ths 1 i do 

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