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Still trying to cope
I never thought I would be on a website like this, but I lost my father to cancer in November 2009, he was only 56 years only....He was diagnosed in January 2009 with bladder cancer and he was at stage 4, the only thing they could do was remove his bladder and have him go through chemo. After months of going to the cancer center, the doctors told my dad that he was cancer free. So in October he went through another surgery to fix a hernia(sp?) well when the doctors opened my dad up they found a lot of cancer. They gave him 2 weeks to a month to live. The night before he passed all his organs shut down. One month to the day of his surgery my dad passed away in my drive way.
I took care of my dad for the last year, the last month he was here with me, I took care of his dressings on his stomach, and gave him liquids through his IVs. The day he died I felt like I died with him. I never thought at the age of 35 that I would have to take care of my young dad and then have to plan his funeral was the hardest.
I have a lot of mixed emotions, but one emotion I can not get over even after 9 months is that I am so ANGRY at myself. The day my dad passed away I had to work, my husband and my aunt took my dad to Denver to see his surgeon, I wanted to take off that day but I knew I had to go to work (after all I need to pay bills). That morning I was in such a rush, that I gave my dad a kiss on the cheek and ran out taking my kids to school and then getting myself to work. I got the call about 1:30 that my dad had fallen in the drive way and I needed to get home right away. By the time I got there he was gone! If only I would of went with my gut feeling and went to Denver with them. Now I live with the guilty feeling that I was not there when he went down. I wasnt the last person he saw.
Will I ever get over this feeling? Will the pain ever go away? It takes so much for me to go on day to day but I have a wonderful husband and wonderful children that I NEED to go on.
Thank you for listening!
Larisa
Views: 43
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Jan Duvenage on
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Hi Larisa,
As difficult as it is to understand the emotions and feelings of guilt and desperation you have, you know that your father loved you dearly or otherwise i am sure you would not have given so selfishly off yourself to look after him. And even though you weren't there with him when he fell or when he passed on you have to stop feeling guilty about it, you had to carry on with your daily chores and i'm sure your father knew and understood this as well. Neither he nor you knew what was going to happen on that day, you have the memory of kissing him on his cheek before leaving and all was well. I am sure you father would rather want you to keep that image of him, kissing and waving goodbye to him than the anguished, tears and emotions that you are feeling now.
These are all natural feelings and emotions you are experiencing and they will soften as time goes on, they will never completely disapear or fade away, as from what can be read you loved him greatly.
Stay strong and love your children and your husband and know that your father is smiling down on you and would want you to not feel guilty or angry for not being there when he passed but when he needed you the most, while he was still alive . -
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Permalink Reply by Larisa Howard on
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Jan --
Thank you for your words....I try everyday to forgive myself and I also tell myself not to feel guilty, but it goes back to "I should of been there".
I sometimes think I need to find a griefing place here in town where I can sit down with people and just let it out....I know this is kinda like that but I feel I need help badly. I have never been a "depressed" person but these last 9 months I have felt so empty and depressed and since I have never been that way I dont know how to handle it. I've noticed lately that I am more grouchy and snap a lot more, I dont like that feeling.
I do think about all the good times I had with my dad, I was his only daughter, "daddys girl" was always my title in the family.
I know it will pass (well that is what everyone is saying) but when? I am so not a patience person!
Again thank you Jan for taking the time and replying to me. -
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I am 46 with a six year old son. I lost my husband under hospice care this past April, the day after my birthday due to cancer. The pain is unbeliveable for me and my son. My son got on the school bus and 2 hours later Hospice pronounced my husband dead. It was and still is the hardest day of my life. I held his hand and he was gone. It was the worst day of my life especially to explain to a 6 year old that dad is in heaven. Im trying so hard to go on but I cant. My son is so hurt and yes he is getting help. I just need friends. No one I know understands. Thanks, Linda
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