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My husband died, and I will never want to live without him.
My husband is my soulmate, my love, my heart. I knew from the moment I met him that we were soulmates, meant to be together (that is not hyperbole -- I really did know). We were together for nearly 13 years before he died; he died of a sudden, unexpected heart attack, literally one week to the day after our wedding. His death killed him and destroyed me.
I cannot begin to explain the devastation. From the second I knew he died I have wanted him to come back, to have our life together that we were meant to have -- and failing that, I want nothing more than to die. I am agnostic (verging on atheist, since my husband died), so I don't know if there's a god or an afterlife. I hope there is, and that my husband is there, happy and still himself, and that we will be together again, and I hope I die as soon as possible so that I can be with him. If there is no such thing as an afterlife, then I still hope I die as soon as possible so that this horrific pain of missing him will be over.
The worst thing about all of this is not knowing if my sweet, wonderful husband's soul still exists, as it should. The second worst thing is not having him here with me, living our life together. But after those, there are so many other bad things now -- whatever tenuous faith I may have had in the possibility of a loving god is gone and now if there is a god I hate her/him, any chance we/I had to have children is gone, I can barely relate to my family or spend time with them (though they are wonderful and loving, but it's not enough to make me want to live), I am severely depressed and have absolutely no desire to live.
People say "It's sad, but you have to move on". No, I f***ing don't -- and won't, in any way. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I promised my family that I wouldn't, but there's no way I will choose to live for years -- if god or the universe or whatever doesn't kill me, eventually I will. For as long as I am forced to live, I will NEVER date anyone else -- I am MARRIED, and my husband's death does not change that. The very idea of even going on a date with anyone else is sickening to me, and always will be (I'm not condemning anyone else who chooses to date after the death of their spouse or partner, I'm just saying that this is how it is for me). I have no desire to ever do anything with my life now (I didn't used to be like that, only since my husband died).
I'm not even sure why I'm typing this here, or what I'm looking for. I definitely don't want any responses about how god never gives us more than we can bear, or how god is good, or basically anything about god -- if god exists at all, i have no use for her/him. No offense to those who do have faith of any kind, but it's not for me and I don't want to hear it.
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Pam on
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Wander - you speak the truth for all of us who are so profoundly affected by the loss of our spouse. I don't know of anyone who would ever say that we should move on. The only moving on I pray for, like you, Zell, Bluuebird and others, is out of this existence.
Your perceptions of the comments made by BlackSky are so right....and maybe it's time we stopped feeding whatever he/she is looking for - perhaps just don't respond to his/her comments. After all, BlackSky's opinions don't matter.
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Permalink Reply by bluebird on
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Wander,
Maybe you're right about BlackSky -- I've just been assuming that s/he is young and hasn't been in our horrible position her/himself, and so s/he was just sort of being hopeful about what would happen and also parroting what s/he had been told.
If s/he is a troll, that's pathetic -- trolling a board of grieving people? What's the point of that?
Regardless, it doesn't change the fact that none of us commenting here will ever "move on" from the deaths of our soulmates (which is not to say that some people on this site won't move on, i'm sure there are those who will, just not those of us recently commenting in this thread), regardless of BlackSky's purported opinion.
And, of course, I agree with everything else you said in your post, as well.
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You are a troll because you refuse to accept the reality of what we are telling you -- we know what this hell is like, and you do not. You are arguing from a position of inexperience, when you should not be arguing at all.
Whether or not you pray for Wander or any of us, which I doubt and for which I have no need, is irrelevant.
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Sheila,
If there is a god, I doubt s/he needs defending, certainly not from me. I am only stating my truthful views on god.
I understand that you believe a being named satan causes death; I disagree. I understand that you believe the bible is god's word; I disagree. I understand that you believe in the concept of original sin; I disagree. There's nothing wrong with us disagreeing. I respect your right to hold the views you do, just as you should respect my right to hold the views I do. I would never ridicule you or anyone else for your/their spiritual or religious views.
At the same time, please realize that for those of us who do not believe the bible to be god's word (and I have never held that belief, even when I had a belief in god), scripture is nothing more than writing -- often good writing, good literature, but no more than that. So while I understand that the passages you quoted hold spiritual meaning for you, and I'm sure for many other people, they do not hold any spiritual meaning for me, and for many other people.
I have said that I don't know if there is a god or an afterlife, that's true. I don't believe it's possible for any human to know for sure, until s/he dies. But I have spent a lot of time thinking about and investigating the possibilities -- I have read and researched a fair amount about a variety of different faiths/religions, both scholarly works and the holy books of various faiths, including much of the bible, as well as anecdotal and personal stories of people. The possibility of an afterlife and of god has been a topic of interest to me for many, many years, long before my husband died, long before I even met him. So please do not assume that I haven't already "tried to find out". I am not spewing hate or vile names towards any people, regardless of their faith (of whatever kind) or lack thereof -- only towards god, if there is such a being, and that is my right. If you, or anyone else, finds my views and comments about god objectionable, you/they are free to ignore my posts.
I have made it known that I don't want anyone to post things about "how great god is" in this thread only, my thread about my husband. I wouldn't presume to tell anyone not to post good things about god on any other thread -- I may comment on their comments, or I may decide to just not read those comments once I realize the nature of the comments, but I would never tell anyone not to post those comments, as they have the right to their views just as I have the right to mine.
I am truly sorry that your husband died, just as I am sorry my husband died, and sorry about the deaths of the loved ones of everyone here.
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No need to apologize -- horrific circumstances such as the one(s) in which we find ourselves tend to bring out strong emotions all round. I don't mind you posting on my thread, I just wanted to make it clear that it's only on this particular thread that I'm asking people not to post "praise god" sorts of things (as opposed to me trying to dictate whether anyone posts those kinds of things on other threads).
I wasn't sure if you thought I was calling other people names (which I wasn't) or calling god names (which I was), so I was just trying to clarify.
I understand that since you believe there's a loving god, it would hurt you to hear me call her/him names, and it wasn't my intent to hurt you or anyone; at the same time, I feel like I need to be honest regarding my feelings about god (if there is a god). I simply cannot believe in a loving god, given my husband's death (not just because he died, as that happens to all humans, but because he died at age 40, one week after our wedding, with us very much soulmates and in love, whereas horrible people -- rapists, abusers, assholes -- who treat their partners badly are still alive).
Regardless of our differences, it is horrible that each of us on this site are suffering such horrible losses. :(
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Hi bluebird these threads are long and I can not seem to read the whole lot. However I would like to become involved on the forum instead of of just posting on my own thread. Im so sorry about your devastating loss of your husband in such cruel circumstances. I do hope all of us on this forum can help each other day by day . Thankyou for your kind responses to my posts I truly appreciate your responses. If I can hep you in any way please let me know .I have no idea of how I could do that but its just a thought in these most challenging of times.
lis
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You are more than welcome to post in this thread, and I'm sure it's fine if you post in other people's threads as well. Thank you for your kind thoughts.
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I'm sorry for your loss. We didn't know my husband had a heart condition, either, though we probably should have, since his father does. But my husband was only 40 years old, and who expects a massive and fatal heart attack at that age....
My husband is my soulmate, too, the love of my life and my best friend. This never feels real to me, and it never will. This "life" I'm forced to be in now is not our life, not my life. This is just a fucked up simulacrum of life. All I can do, unless/until I kill myself, is hope that this pathetic farce ends as soon as possible.
I'm sorry that you are feeling the same kind of pain that I am. I appreciate you saying that i'm not alone in feeling this way -- while I know that's true, and have encountered other people who also feel this way, more often I find that people whose spouse/partner has died are kind of sugar-coating it...probably out of self-preservation, as a way to cope, which I guess I understand for them but which I could never do. "Sugar-coating" isn't exactly right as an accurate descriptive term, though -- I just mean that they sort of pick up their lives and go on, saying "He would want me to enjoy life", and they just "journal" their feelings, and have faith in god, and so forth. None of which is inherently bad, and if it helps them then that's great, but I don't understand doing that or being able to do that. I could never "move on with life" -- there is no life to move on WITH, for me.
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I must admit that I understand your thoughts and feelings bluebird. I am so sorry you are in such despair. I understand your despair as it reflects mine pretty well. I feel like I daily try and pick up what is left of my life but really there is not much to pick up. Its like having a jig saw puzzle that the pieces just do not fit or the pieces are lost or missing. I personally am slowly giving up all hope of a life .Maybe something or some one can help me but I do not think so. Yeah I understand completely.
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But Lis, you want to continue with your life, at least in some way, and that is a good thing for you, and i would never want or try to dissuade you from that. Remember, you have other factors that are making you feel bad, too -- not living near any friends/family, needing to change to a medication that doesn't make you feel sick, etc. Try to get those things sorted, then see where you stand. I really hope it gets better for you.
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