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I so badly struggle with the "why's"......
Its been 4 months since my mom passed away (Jan 22) and I would like to say that its getting easier, but actually for me it seems to be getting harder. I think the whole shock and trauma that cancer puts you through has you on some weird adrenaline rush for a while and you are just in coping mode, but later when the dust starts to settle reality begins to kick in, which is where I am at right now. I saw my beautiful 55 year old mother in such a horrible state (bedridden, unable to eat, unable to talk) that I was almost at peace with her going to be with the Lord for a minute b/c I knew that meant her suffering would end. I knew all along the heartache for me would be enormous, but I didn't care, I just wanted her out of that horrific pain. The adrenaline has worn off now from the whole cancer nightmare and I sit here mother-less. Not only did I lose my mother on Jan 22, I lost my best friend and the one person I could always count on or turn to no matter what. My Dad has never played a big role in my life. He left my mom when I was in my teens for another woman and became engrossed in her family and we didn't speak for years. My mom, however; was always there for me through thick and thin, good times and bad. We had a special kind of bond something I wish every mother and daughter could share. Sadly, I am so sick of people telling me to cherish the memories. Duh! I do, but its not the same as having here I want to scream! I created a blog for my mom and I now write to her everytime I want to talk to her. I know it sounds crazy, but I needed someway to release my feelings. Here is the letter I wrote to her today. Some of you at the same stage of grief might be able to relate. Trying to figure out why has been the hardest hurdle for me. I love the Lord and trust him no matter what, but I just can't figure out why?! Here's my letter to my mom:
Dear Mom,
How sad is it when I frantically look through my Bible to see if I can find where you wrote, a trace of your pen or something tangible I can touch or hold onto that you touched. How did this happen? How did we get seperated? It still seems so surreal. I mean you and I were best friends and talked to each other every day. This wasn't the way things were supposed to end with me talking about you in past tense (which I refuse to do by the way despite the weird looks) you are not past tense, you are mom, you are my mom and you are fine. You were here not to long ago and this is just not right. I am angry at this fate and the way things have turned out. I am just really really mad at the injustice and I can't get past the why's. Why you? Why take my one safety net in the whole world from me?? God knew you were the one person I always had to count on unconditionally and how close you and I were. Other people have huge support systems, I only had you, so lets just take you from me to top it all of and then I am left empty and alone. I know this isn't about me and all of this sounds selfish, but I can't lie that these are the thoughts that run through my mind. I do not understand why you! Why not take a killer before they hurt someone or some other mean person that doesn't deserve to live. Why take some sweet mother whose kids and grandchildren really need her? Its not like we are lucky in other areas either. We aren't rich, we never win anything, but we had you and that was the biggest prize of all and now you are gone. Go figure. I go back to the bible verse you inscribed in the Bible you bought for me...Proverbs 3 5-6...Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understandings, but in all your ways acknowlege him and he will make your path straight. Ok, so I try to remind myself of this, but it doesn't stop the why's from welling up in my heart and making me sad and mad. I hope you and God will forgive me for this. I love you!
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Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Paige Anne Lovelace on
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Oh my gosh! You touch my heart when you talk about your mom because I have felt the same way and it has been ten years for me. The why I ask most of all is why did God take her from us the way he did? I dont have the answer and after time I stopped asking it. My other why was why Ovarian Cancer? My mother was the most wonderful mom and wife a person could ask for taken from by a disease that has no boundries or anything! She didn't deserve to die that way.
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Permalink Reply by Kirstine Rushing on
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Paige, I know what you mean. My mom died of lung cancer yet never smoked a day in her life. Why lung cancer?! She took care of her lungs her entire life and was a non smoker. I was almost in disbelief when I heard the diagnosis like they must have made a mistake and it was stage 4 when she was diagnosed! I am sorry about your Mom. I know ovarian and lung are both called the silent killers :( I hate cancer so much. I hated it before, but never knew just how vicious it was to people and how much pain it caused. Thanks for listening!
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The closer I get to the 10 year mark the why's keep popping into my head. For along time I was so angry at God because Mom had prayed for herself to be healed and I was mad at God for not doing it for her. I asked God why he took from Ovarian Cancer and why did he choose to take her when he did. The pain is still so fresh in my heart and people ask me why that is. For me it is because I know she will never be here for the good things that happen to me. She won't see me marry again and she won't see my son marry and have kids of his own one day. But I do believe she is in better place than she was here. She is healthy with my dad and her parents doing the polka and drinking highballs. I just have to keep that memory in my head or the grief would overwhelm me.
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I too got upset with God b/c my mom was such a strong believe in God and such a faitful servant to him ministering to women at her church and so badly wanting to start a christian counseling center for women. She prayed and prayed and told me she just knew God would heal her b/c her work here was not done. She didn't want to die, she begged for 20 more years. I couldn't and still don't understand how God could not grant her that wish when she loved him and followed him so much. What would 20 more years have hurt for her to be here? I will never understand,but I guess that's part of faith...we have to beleive even when we don't understand. My kids are 5, 2 and I am pregnant. My 5 year old may remember her, she loves her and misses her so much right now but I pray the memories don't fade. My other two children will never know her. Its just not fair. SHe was such a wonderful grandmother to them and wanted so much to be here to see them grow up. Could he not have picked someone else that didn't really care about living, why take someone that had so much passion to live....
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To Christine and Paige, When i lost my beloved soulmate on the 19th of April this year to Pancreatic cancer my world collapsed around me, the vow which we mad when we got remarried in November 2008 "To stay together in sickness and in health , till death do us part" at that stage made tears well up in my eyes becuase at that stage she had allready been diagnosed with the cancer. But i believed in my faith and in Margi's strength that this disease would not take her from us but it was not to be, living with her and sharing our lives again was such a blessing beyond description as she was the glue that kept everything together. The last two weeks before she passed away i relive contstantly and it hurts on such an emotional state that i start doubting the existence of God, becuase if he was such a loving God then why would he hurt and take away one of his children that has done him no harm or any other human being for that matter.
It hurts to write this as i do know He exists it's just why does He allow these things to happen to good people when there are real evil people out there that seems to enjoy health , wealth and supposed love beyond the means of us normal folk.
Anyway this is my thoughts , feelings and emotions talking, I love God and my fellow man and i realize He allways has a greater plan for all of us.
Thanks for starting this as it gives us all a chance to show our feelings.
God bless. -
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