Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Denise Murphy on February 1, 2012 at 10:34am

Hi Wendy,

I'm so sorry for you loss, it is a tremendous shock to you system to have this happen to you.  I can only tell you what has helped me, everybody's loss is unique there is no right or wrong way to grieve.  I wrote my sister a letter from my heart expressing my feelings like a conversation we would have together, that helped me alot.  I also wrote in a journal daily sometimes 2 and 3 entries a day.  You go through so many emotions that sometimes you think your crazy, your not.  I went to the library and rented books on the grieving process specifically for the loss of a sibiling.  Another place you can find help is in a bereavement support group, it really helps to talk about your loss with people, everyone needs to tell their story.  Usually a bereavement group suggest you wait four to six months before attending, but like I said everyone's grief is different.  My sister is gone 19 months and I still find myself reduced to tears at certain times, it has gotten better I was walking around like a zombie for months believing that I would wake up and this would all be a nightmare.  Eventually you do realize it is permanent.  One thing that had help me was the Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.    I hope I have helped you a little, keep coming back here, this is an awesome place to let your feelings out, the people here are kind and compassionate, and can relate to your feelings.  I will keep you in my prayers.

God Bless,

Denise

Permalink Reply by Wendy on February 2, 2012 at 2:05am

Thank you for your support Denise. I admit I didn't expect anyone to reply so soon. This really is a great website. Your answer did help, not just a little but a lot. You see, just before all of this could happen, my sister had rented a new home and we helped her move in. She bought a framed picture with the Serenity Prayer. For the life of me I couldn't understand why because there were so many others she could have chosen for her new home but she chose that particular one. I even asked her why. The picture is still brand new. I'll be putting it up as soon as I can.

Thank you for your prayers, I will remember you in mine too. 

God bless you Denise,

Wendy

Permalink Reply by Denise Murphy on February 3, 2012 at 8:52pm

Hi Wendy,

When I read what you had wrote about her buying the Serenity Prayer all the hairs on the back of my neck stood up, nothing is a coincidence.  Keep coming back, and remember take care of yourself thats really important. 

God Bless,

Denise

Permalink Reply by nadia on February 5, 2012 at 5:56pm

Dear Wendy

I feel your pain and loss.I lost my wonderful sister in May 2011..I miss her every minute and I am longing for her with every cell of my body. She too like your sister was my best friend and my soulmate and even tho I have my partner and twins still feel so lonely and cut off.. There are some better days when I feel she is around me looking after me... I really do and there have been several very strange events to make me think that she is still here somehow..I still cry and cry with some days far worse than others... My brain too refuses to accept I cannot juts call her to catch up... My first impulse is still to get on phone with her !!! There some better days too...not good one but just more neutral...Although I cannot accept she is gone I think she is still here looking after me.. She was always looking after me taking care of me even tho she was younger... Your sister will be looking after you too... there will be some signs too.... I am not a religious person and even tho I tried to connect with faith and god since then I am not so angry with him... I cannot bring myself to pray to him... I just focus all my thinking to my wonderful sister.. I miss her so much....

Permalink Reply by Wendy on February 6, 2012 at 6:23am

Dear Nadia,

I know what you mean. Even though my husband is still there and I have family that I see from time to time, I'm still lonely. Yesterday I realized that I used to be someone who smiled from the inside. I actually didn't know that about myself until now! Now it's just this facial movement. It feels empty.

Also, although there is this immense love and longing for my sister, it's coupled with so much of regret. Things I wish I'd told her, I wish I'd been a better sister to her. I wish I could have made her smile more often and lightened her burdens so she wouldn't have had to carry so much on her shoulders.

Everything I say now are things I can't even bring myself to express to the people in my life. This website seems to be the only place I can say what I really feel and get it off my chest without getting a strange look or some of the most hurtful things being said.

In response to signs...yes I do believe that when I think of her and I'm hurting for her that she's thinking of me too. A couple of strange yet sweet things have occurred. 

I know all about first reactions :) Whenever I needed to do something or had a question or just wanted to talk, the first person to talk to was her. I still forget and say things like 'Did you tell Mand?' or 'Don't you wanna go visit Mand?' She was a part of my daily life, I mean everyday! :) so it's become a habit to look for her. 

You speak with a lot of love when talking about your sister so I can only imagine how wonderful she must have been. I know you must miss her very much everyday. I learned something new from all this...when you love someone deeply and they love you just as much, the bond you share...even death cannot destroy that. When you look inside it's still there and the feeling that you'll someday see one another again never leaves. When I've finished my race and run the course, one of my greatest desires is to be reunited with my sister again. 

I wish you so much of love and happiness Nadia,

May your happiness be complete one day.

Love Wendy

Permalink Reply by Sue Waxman on February 10, 2012 at 10:04am

Dear Wendy,

How awful. I am so sorry. I know how it feels to loose someone you love beyond words. Please accept my support and friendship and know you are not alone in your pain. Sue

Permalink Reply by Bonnie Elizabeth Fleming on March 6, 2012 at 10:17am

Hi Wendy,

 

I can so relate to your loss!!  My older sister died suddenly on the day after Christmas in the car as we drove home from spending Christmas with our older brother and his family.  She was disabled and I was her caretaker and I was driving and when I figured out she wasn't breathing and pulled over to the side of the road and called 911 it took the paramedics 45 minutes to get to us because we were in such a remote location.  It was just me there, giving her CPR and trying like anything to get her to come back to me.  I feel like I've been in a dream since then too, like she's never really left...and yet I know that she has.  It is so very, very hard! 

 

My sister Ann was disabled.  Ann constantly worried that she wasn’t needed, wasn’t able to help enough and so I wrote this for her shortly before she died and then I included it in her eulogy. I believe you will understand from it how much the decision to immerse yourself in caring for someone actually gives back and teaches the one doing the caring.  It expresses what the Lord said when he mentioned always doing unto others as you would wish for them to do unto you.  I believe it also can show us that sometimes when the world thinks that you are your sister’s keeper, there is actually an enormous amount of reciprocal keeping going on.

I need your help to wake up in the morning
To provide the reason for being 
For doing, for moving forward in life 
For keeping me steady in a world of insanity 
To talk to, to be the shoulder I come to when I need to cry
 
To laugh with and to be my person 
I need your help putting earrings on 
And opening jars 
And in plotting Christmas presents 
And rescuing me from myself 
I need your help 
In sewing my facings and in facing the world 
I need your help understanding jokes 
Enduring the world’s pokes 
I need you to navigate so I don’t get lost 
To provide ballast for my compass in life 
To be practical when I get flighty 
To be silly when I get too sober 
To understand that sometimes 
Being too helpful is actually unhelpful 
And that sometimes I’ll need help I can’t ask for 
I need your help in ten thousand ways 
And while I might not tell you often enough 
The biggest help you give me 
You give me simply by being you. 
 
______________________________________
 
This one I read at her grave:
 
My heart fills with sorrow 
when I remember how and when you died
 You see, I wasn't ready for you to leave my life
 And yet
 My heart fills with joy 
every time I think about you
 and the depth of your love for us        
and I hold firmly to the belief
 that you are no longer in pain
 and that you could do far more now
 than just chair dance
 I miss you every second 
of every minute of every hour
 and yet I know it is selfish 
to wish that you remain here with me
 instead of being where you are now
 I love you, My Nana
 you will always be inside me
 It is your voice I will constantly hear
 telling me to be calm when I go ballistic
 telling me off when I need it
 giving me wise council and advice
 cheering my successes
 weeping with me when I fail
 always telling me you love me
 no matter how snarky I got sometimes
 letting me know that hearing 
a thousand "I love you's" in a minute
 from me could never ever be too much.
 I know that God has you in his loving care now
 and so no matter how intensely sad I am that you are gone
 I will eternally remember you with immense, unbounded love
 Because I have come to realize
 You were my person in life and
 You are still my person in death

You see, I am your legacy.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that Denise is right...sometimes writing out your love for your sister is helpful.  I do it in wierd poems, Denise does it in journal entries....but it really does help, I promise. 

sad smiles

Beth

Permalink Reply by nadia on March 6, 2012 at 10:04pm

this is so beautiful beth.. speak to my heart and so much described my love for my wonderful sister...I cant help but to borrow some of  your words to post on my sisters memorial page... I miss her so much still coming to 10 months my sweet little sister...wiser adn stornger and better than me in so many ways... hope you are all doing Ok ish

 

nadia x

 

 

Permalink Reply by Bonnie Elizabeth Fleming on March 6, 2012 at 10:59pm

Thank you, Nadia...I'm glad you liked them.  Poems are....one of those things I do without realizing that I'm doing them, they are a form of therapy for me....God's gift to me when I am distraught.

 

I think Okish is realitive, really...sometimes I know I am just going to work because I know that is what I am supposed to do.  Most of the time  I'm there but I feel so scattered, so unfocused.  As though I am an empty shell being moved about in a creepy stop action film. 

 

I hope you're doing ok ish too...but more ok ish than me and more ok ish every day that passes :)

 

Love

Beth

Permalink Reply by Bonnie Elizabeth Fleming on March 6, 2012 at 11:06pm

PS:  I forgot to say that the words from my poems are yours to use wherever you feel compelled to use them...

 

Permalink Reply by Wendy on March 7, 2012 at 5:53am

Dear Bonnie,

God bless you. You managed to say in words exactly what I wanted to say to my sister. That I got more out of being there for her than the other way around.

She made me feel useful and appreciated. Whether it was making jewellery or baking or art and craft, or even some dizzy brainstorm, she let me test everything out with her first. I wish she knew that she was one of the hugest reasons I made changes to myself as a person. She inspired me. 

When you say 'my person' in your poem...you've given shape to the way I feel about my sister. Thank you for giving me that. I didn't know how to describe the way I felt about her. All I could say was that she was mine...for the last few years I was blessed to have enjoyed her and grown so much in my relationship with her. We absorbed so much of each other. 

Sisters are sisters all over the world. I'm glad I have you guys to talk to because you understand the relationship I had with her better than most people I know.

I wish you the very best and pray you'll receive all the love and comfort from the Heavens above and may you always have a warm and glad feeling in your heart when you remember her. May the sadness fade and be replaced with His understanding.

All my love and best wishes,

Wendy

Permalink Reply by Bonnie Elizabeth Fleming on March 8, 2012 at 11:32am

Hi Wendy,

 

I know what you mean about becoming a better person because of your sister.  My sister became disabled after 4 really nasty car accidents.  My Gran took care of her for many years and then when my Gran was dying of colon cancer, she called and told me that I would have to take over the care of my sister.  Ann and I fought like cats and dogs when I was little...there was a 7 year separation between us and she was always annoyed by her little sister wanting to do things with her and I was always annoyed that I couldn't get to do the grown-up things she did.  All that passed when we got older.  She went off to college and I guess we both realized how much we loved and missed one another.  She graduated college and went to live in California and I started in to college just as she was leaving it.  Anyway...we spoke almost daily on the phone and our relationship became so much more than just sisters.  She was my mentor, my counselor, my rock through a LOT of things.  I guess when my Gran called to say I'd need to care for Ann now part of me resented it...I had a job and a life as a single person and I was very focused on my career, very ME centered.  Agreeing to take care of Ann meant a whole huge lifestyle change...and an attitude to life adjustment you will never believe.  Suddenly it mattered so much more that I be responsible and that I become a WE centric person instead of a ME centered one.  I truly believe that I evolved into a better human being all the way around because she was such a huge part of my life.  People often tell me what a good sister I was for being Ann's caretaker.  I always think instead that I was actually a horrible sister that was blessed with an amazing opportunity for personal growth.  I did it almost grudgingly at first...if I'm totally honest with myself and you. I did it as a leap of faith because I felt it was what God would require or expect of me...and I did it against the advice of most of the people I knew and considered wise.  What ended up happening, though, was  transformational....it altered me in ways I can't fully explain to you. 

 

I also understand what you mean about this place and these people being a relief and a blessing to you.  I get a lot of comments that hurt deeply...such as "I bet you're glad she died, now you can have your own life back" and "gosh you must be so happy to not have to deal with all that any longer" from people who really do probably mean well but they can not understand how much a loss like this hurts.  I CHOSE to care for her but she was my very very beloved sister, someone I loved and admired and respected and counted on.  Yes, I cared for her.  Yes, sometimes caring for her was somewhat overwhelming.  But absolutely NO, I am not glad that she is gone because that relieves me of my responsibilities.  You guys "get" the sister thing, the pain of loss thing, the astonishment at having lost someone so quickly thing.  Others in my life....well, lets just say I try very hard to remember they're trying to be nice.