Oh Lori thats so awful. Omg im sooo sorry. He sounds so great and its really really hard. They are in our thoughts every minute of every day and some days it feels like the pain will swallow us up but it doesnt. I still am very broken and empty part of me is forever gone. This is horrible as u dont even know. My randy started using drugs and he was selling zanax and he would lie and lie and then he went to heroin. I will never ever know y he was in such pain i live every day blaming myself and thinking i should have done more. But u didnt do anything wrong. He was ok. Its so hard to understand why he wd be taken. Im so sorry u lost your best friend. Ran was ony 18. He had his whole life to live. I look at his pix of around 10 12 and hes so happy and fun and adorable. All we can do is go on and keep trying. I wont lie its not easy. Havings friends here is my greatest comfort because everbody understands. Where do you live? Much love and hugs xo
Hi Sandy. My son Cameron, 26, was fine 1 hour before I found him at our home. I had left to go ride my bike and when I returned home I found him in his room on his knees bent over. My husband and I tried to do CPR but he was gone. We had autopsy done but I still don't want to know the cause. I'm sure you think that sounds odd but at this point I can't put 1 more thing into my mind. Not yet. Every second of the day I feel regret. Hope that's normal. Tonight I'm physically sick missing him. He was more than my son. He was a best friend. We shared so many interests. He always called me momma. I miss our movie nights. I don't know how I'm still living without him. Everyday something new that I miss about him surfaces. How do you go on living without your child?
How have you coped for 11 months? I have a hard time seeing past today. Just when I think that I can't cry anymore, I am wrong. I have retuned to the office this week on a part time basis and coming home not having him waiting on me has just added a new level to the pain.
His name is Connor..his brothers are confused as to why he's not coming home. As you know watching your kids grieving just adds another level on top of everything. It had to be some sort of bacterial infection picked up during surgery.
My son had outpatient surgery to correct a deviated septum. Brought him home following surgery and he was vomiting most of the night. Called doctor on cal and was told it was normal. Next day vomiting subsided but couldn't keep balance and speech was impaired. Called doctor again and was told it was all normal; side effects from anesthesia. That evening he had a sick stomach and couldn't get to the bathroom in time. I washed him up in the shower and layed him back down. Shortly after he told me he wasn't sick anymore and said he was sorry for being so sick. I told him nothing's too be sorry about and just wanted him to get better. He asked me for a hug and I then sat with him and rubbed his head. My 4 year old woke us up the next morning around 5:00am feeling sick. I was then I heard my son breathing erratically and making grunting noises. I thought he was having a nightmare and tried to wake him up. He didn't respond and we called 911. When the EMTs arrived his heart had stopped and I was giving chest compressions while they worked on his breathing. Got his heart beating and on the way to the hospital he coded 3 times. They worked on him in the ER and transferred him to ICU on life support. Within a few hours his body was not pumping enough blood to reach his brain and limbs. Had to make decision to remove life support that night. Still awaiting cause of death as it has been a mystery to doctors and the medical examiner. It had to be some type of bacterial infection from surgery....I relive this nightmare every day, playing over and over in my head.
Thank you so much for everything- it's nice having a new friend I can share with since my previous one is now gone. Thank you for taking the time and sharing your experiences as well. I shall pray for you and your family as well. We all just need each other to lean on. I hope you have a great day. :) please know that you are truly uplifting me in my time of need. I feel like I have just made friends with an angel. Thanks again and I look forward to talking with you more soon. (Hopefully soon we'll have some more positive statements- but in time).
Morning Sandy. Thank you for responding and your kind words and understanding. Tomorrow marks 3 months to the day and just that thought makes my stomach knot up. His birthday is also this month and to make it worse it's the day before my sons so it'll always be upfront and in my face. I'm trying to distract with planning my son's party. It's just to loose the person that you know you were made for each other- I just feel like I'm drifting and the only thing holding me down in reality is my son (who looks and has a heart just like his father) there are times I just hold him and won't let go. I know it's not fair to put something that adult on an 8 year old- especially when he is trying to deal too- but it kind of works well that we are just both there for each other. I know it has been hard on him but it's so hard to get him to open up I am trying to walk a fine line to help him withouthim feeling like I'm pushing. Thanks for recommending the book I will definately look for it. As for church- the ironic thing is we were very active as a family in our church and very close to the preacher and his familly (we were always over at their house and doing things with them) but I have only been back once since my husband's pasing. It's like I can be around a crowd of people if they don't know my situation (like shopping, etc) but my anxiety level starts going up high at the thought of being around those that know. I know they mean well, but to have everyone constantly coming up and saying/asking the same things "how are you" "is there anything we can do" "I know it must be difficult" etc. Just to face everyone, it puts that pit in my stomach and I just can't get myself to go. We still read our bibles and pray daily so we maintain our personal relationship with God but I just can't bring myself to go back yet. Anyway, sorry to ramble again (even though you sad it's perfectly ok to) but to be able to speak (sort of) to someone who knows personally what I'm going through it just feels so good because I haven't had that (some family and friends but they son't fully get it). So thank you again. I appreciate it and do feel like a little bit of weight is starting to lift.
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