Hi Debbie, I lost my husband 3 years ago this past March - and my wold collapsed. I got so tired of hearing things will get better, time heals, etc. somewhat like you I withdrew from family and friends for the most part. Time doesn't heal but life does go on and it is a choice to move forward or stay in place. I was fortunate to have grown children and grandchildren who refused to let me give up. Pushing me to join in activities but understanding when I was overwhelmed and withdrew. These days we share happy memories of their dad and Poppa - he can never be replaced and the he lives on in these memories. I am trying hard to get more involved - I don't want their memories of me to be as I am, and have been for the past 3 years. But I can't help being sad that we have a new granddaughter that he will never know or give crawling lessons to. Two new great grandsons who will never know him or hear the stories of when their grandma was young that only a grampa can share the right way.
If you ever want to talk or vent I'd be glad to listen. It does help I know from experience.
Hi Debbie, I live in the UK, and my wife passed in September last year 2014 of Cancer following a Bowel operation, we were married for 22 years, to say its hard is an understatement, its hell on earth. None of my wife's grown up kids want to talk about their mum, im the only one who wants talk, and im keeping the home we have shared for a shrine to her, and I'm sick of hearing the same thing, "time is a great healer". I know exactly how you feel.
Friends and family for the most part are clueless when it comes to the extent of the hurt we are enduring and thus think that pills, time and getting out more is the fix. They seriously don't think it is their job to make us feel better and they are probably right. Even the minimal amount of energy they expend on trying to understand is pretty much useless.
No one will ever be there like our husbands. No one. Between having a brother tell me I need to want to fix myself (with drugs & therapy) and until I do there is nothing he could do, to a sister who really does mean well but listens to her therapist too much assumes I am having a pity party for myself (her words). The others have been so detached from what my needs are for other reasons I just cannot muster the energy to explain to them how horrendous this is and how it affects me.
So I have pushed everyone away except for two friends one who I stay in touch with one on a daily basis and one weekly. Other than that I have realized that everyone else has their own life and I am not inextricably linked. I had my life. I had everything I needed and more. For two years plus I have struggled what to do with myself because I am still alive.
One of two things will happen. One, my body will continue to live and I will treat life as I have up until now, a burden I want to be released from, no joy no happiness and I will retreat further from those who I feel have hurt me. Or two, I will get sick and be released from this burden. I have pretty much done what I can to enhance my own demise. The stress of this loss has taken a toll and I haven't taken any pills to mitigate it. I needed to fully grieve. I loved my husband more than anything else on this earth. In the process I know my body in its weakest spot (my throat) is giving me some symptoms just recently that might be serious. I will allow nature to take its course. I have no need to hang around and if it is what I think it is I will be released from this charade of life.
I don't like living in this new alternate reality and I have no false presumptions that I will magically find a way to resume or move through or get fixed after losing the one thing that mattered to me. I went looking for it through family and friends and they cant be there enough for me and I'm certainly not interested in looking for a full time companion so I just don't care anymore.
All I can hope for now is when I die that there is a way to catch that same wave of energy I had with my husband here and live it in another dimension. I don't believe in the whole religious theory so my hope lies in the idea that this universe is really really big and there is something we don't know about consciousness that science has yet to figure out. Even if it isn't its better than being where I am now.
I am so sorry to hear about the additional burdens you are facing. It makes it much harder for you.
Every single day, several times a day, I cry. I teach and sometimes I find that I may break down into tears in front of my students. Nothing brings me peace, only the thought that Joseph and I shared a great love and spent 19 years together brings me comfort.
Hi Debbie, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. My heart goes out to you and your sons. Having to now take care of everything is a burden that might seem over whelming. It sounds like you need help managing right now. Can you reach out to family or a local Church? People are more willing to help than you might think. There are also grief support groups that meet at churches. I would urge you to look into that. Hospice organization also have counselors that might could direct you. I will keep you and your sons on my prayers
"I hear it all the time you don’t know how lucky you were that your mother wasn’t sick and you didn’t have to take care of her I say to them lucky I was lucky that my mother died and I was not right by her side to tell her I love…"
"M, the problem is that our security blankets were ripped away.
Like you, sometimes I am glad to be sad. I feel like I am closer to my mom when I am crying. At least, her memory is fresher with me when I am in that zone.
I feel like the hard reality…"
"Theresa, millions, billions of people have lost their moms. Sometimes someone will tell me that they have lost their mom, too, but they were able to deal with it, and they wonder why I haven't dealt with it as well. This may sound like an…"
"Me too ...I was sitting marking a paper yesterday and suddenly realized that I can’t see or talk to my mother about this or anything else and the tears came. But I’m glad to think of her, in a way I can be glad to be sad sometimes.…"
"I sometimes will just be sitting down and I start to cry because I keep thinking I miss my mom so much my whole world is just not the same I think that I’ve become a different person it will be four years and I still cry
I can’t put into…"
"Definitely a colder world now. I like the image of the security blanket — like, as we go forward, we will always keep it but eventually may be able to wash it, fold it nicely, and put it in some place of honour close at hand but without…"
"It is such a traumatic event, especially when you have had a wonderful Mom. It is so hard knowing she is gone. Knowing this is permanent. There is no one that can fill the void she left. My brother was close to Mom, but he…"
Cherie is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
"While I never forget that my mom is gone, for some reason it just hits me over the head sometimes. Just out of the blue I'll be like, "Mom is gone." It's horrible. It's ever present. And the thing is that it is always with…"
"My Mom also. I could always talk to her about anything & knew she was someone I could totally trust. I am constantly thinking of something I want to share with her & then I remember she is gone. I loved spending time with…"
"It is still numbing to think my Mom is gone & I can't talk to her or see her again. I lost part of me when she passed. Someone said the restless feelings I have are really anxiety. Daily crying is part of my life. …"
"I would rather cry on the outside than on the inside. Crying on the outside is a release. I am really tired of being sad. I'm also tired of being scared. Life without my mom still seems like a scary proposition. All we can do is to continue to…"
"You and I experienced something very similar. You are not an anonymous person who lost her mother. I just wish that I knew the words that would make it all better. I don't. I'm still trying to figure it out for myself. All I know is that…"
"So glad you have your daughter. I was so close to my Dad & so many wonderful memories of time I spent with him. It has been over four months since I lost my Mom. I try to stay busy, but still have a lot of grief…"
Hope everybody doing good. My daughter is growing up and keeps me busy but any day I sit and feel guilty of not serving my mother, I feel like crying. She should have enjoyed so much with her grand daughter but destiny had some other…"