"Welcome to the group. I lost my partner on February 5th this year, so it's still pretty raw for me too. Reading through your story really touched a chord with me. Like you, I didn't think I would ever find a group like…"
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It has been 5 months.
I wish everyone would not have had to go through this. I've been thinking all day that today being June 22nd it was 5 months ago since January 22 that my husband Dan has been gone. I am still heartbroken, and longing to leave this earth if only just to stop this aching heart and heal the bittersweet memories that have passed, but for some reason only God knows I am still here. Everything I do are just temporary distractions until the day I will be gone too, but He is getting me through each day somehow. I still have moments of grief and sadness and crying because he isn't here to tell me to "take care of my arthritic knee, you really should have that checked out" or that he's "worried about me because of the pain I feel from an abdominal muscle when I turn a certain way" or in the middle of the night when I get a muscle cramp in my calf or my foot as he would massage my leg, and only he would be able to relieve me of the pain. He also used to give me a foot massage and I remember laughing because he used his own idea of a rolling-pin technique. Now whenever I laugh when I'm at home alone, I can't help but cry by myself because he's not here to laugh with any more. Now I am so alone and I'll never see him again in this life and he'll never see me, he'll never give me an embrace for no other reason than he happened to be close by so it was the only thing to do. (an inside joke of ours) And it always happens when I "forget" that he's gone and I'm in deep in thought when I'm doing research on something important or not so important and when I'm done and ready to talk to him about what I've been doing on the computer I burst into tears because then I remember he's not here to tell. All my life I always remember hearing that we are not going to live forever and that we are all going in the same direction. But at the age of 61 he and I had so much more life left and so much more to do and now I would hope I don't have to live past the age of 56. I know I won't be celebrating any more birthdays because when Danny died, I did too, so now I will forever be 56 in my eyes because Danny will always be 61. With all the pain going on in my heart, in my life, with my family and with everyone's sorrow how long can we take it. I have been full of sadness today and pray everyone has peace somehow. Thank you for allowing me to express my feelings.
God bless,
Suzanne
God bless,
Suzanne
Views: 80
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Julie on
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Hi Suzanne,
I wish I could say something or do something to help ease your pain. All I can say is I know how you are feeling and I share your sadness. It hurst so very much. It's a terrible feeling that doesn't go away. I am sad and lonely and missing my precious husband all of the time. My life will never be the same. To me, what I am doing is definitely not living. I feel sad and heartbroken every day. I don't know how much longer I can actually deal with this because I think I am doing more harm to myself being here with all of my toughts constantly going around in my head than not being here. I know in my heart that I need to be with my husband because now, nothing is right. I know that when I was with him, in his arms, the world could have collapsed and it wouldn't have mattered because we had each other in every sense of the word. Now, my world has been shattered and it will never be the same. Yours as well. I know I am not the only one experiencing this pain, but it sure does feel like I am. I feel like I am living in my own little isolated world.
People say enjoy your life, the loved ones that you have in your life. You know what, I can't. It's not that easy.
I am just doing what I can to get through each day. I gues you have to do the same, very difficult. Some days I haven o strength to move.
In this online grief support community, we all share a common bond. Not by choice, that's for sure.
Take Care of yourelf,
Julie -
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Permalink Reply by Kirstine Rushing on
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Hi Suzanne,
As I've said before sadly you and I share the same dreaded date of loosing our loved one....Jan 22 :-( Like you, I am still hurting so bad and time hasn't helped at all, if anything its made it worse b/c the finality and reality of her not coming back sinks in even more. I've found myself forgetting for maybe a split second and smiling and then all of a sudden it dawns on me that I shouldn't be smiling and I remember she's gone and I can't tell her the good news or share the happy times with her. Its definitely rough. I have nothing I can say to ease your pain b/c no one can ease my pain either. Words just don't do it. I can tell you that I am right there with you and anytime you need to cry/vent, I am here. Hugs (((())))K -
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Permalink Reply by sharon crawford on
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hiya I do am heartbroken. My partner aged 55 died two weeks ago tomorrow of melanoma. We had been engaged as young teenagers and my dad split us up then last year we got back together after the death of my husband (59). My marriage was unhappy as he was an alcoholic and my partner brought sunshine and love back into my life. I am angry that he came back into my life - to love me - then leave me. Then I think I wouldn't have had that great time with at all if he hadn't. I have thought how easy it would be to be with me and kick myself that I took all is morphine back to the chemist. Then my sensible head goes on and I know that would be so wrong. The pain of losing someone whom you really really love is terrible. I cry all day and every day and wonder if I will ever feel 'normal' again. I am nearly 52 and having to plan what to do with the rest of my life. I don't work due to relapse and remission MS so the days and nights are long. I went to my son's barbecue on saturday afternoon and although they made me welcome -- it was all couples and I felt like a spare part!
If I hear the words once more 'that time is a great healer' I will crack up. I don't want to be healed -- I just want this gut wrenching sore pain to stop and the only way for that to happen would be to be with Murray.
Thank you for allowing me to speak on here xx
Shaz x -
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Shaz, I smiled reading your comment about time healing it b/c I feel the same. I am so sick of people telling me time will heal and that she is always with me. I feel like yelling back, "its not the same you idiot, I can't talk to her or hug her". I lost my mom to cancer. She too was 55 years old. She got lung cancer but had never smoked a day in her life. Go figure! I am sorry for your loss. I think the best thing we can hope for is that we will learn to cope better. Right now, I am not coping well at all. I am pregnant with my 3rd child and I am missing my mom so much its unreal. She was always my rock and I can't imagine delivering this baby w/out her by my side. You do have a beautiful love story to tell. I know it has a sad ending, but that is so special that you all got back together after all that time....what a sign of true love! Hugs ((((()))))K
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