Don't grieve alone; 14,000 members and growing
The first time I met up with my friends after my dad passed away, I walked through the doorway and the room fell silent. It was like everyone was waiting to see if I'd crack a joke like I used to, or if I'd start crying and drop to the floor. I'll be honest, I didn't even know what to do in that moment. I so desperately want to talk about what I've been through, and explain and figure out all the emotions and craziness I'm trying to handle on a daily basis... but I always stop myself. Being in the hospital with my dad, watching him lose faith in God, witnessing his suffering and pain, begging for his life, pushing back all my feelings so that I could be the hope and the smiling face for him for months... how can I unload that on any person? How can I even put into words what those days were like? The few things I have shared with friends just lead them to always act concerned or often leave them speechless. I've had friends even ask me in those moments what I want them to say to me, because they don't know. I just want people to care.... to genuinely care... not that head tilt with the sad eyes... but to just be my friend. Instead I get people that question my coping mechanisms... as if they know what I should be doing? or questioning if I'm really ready to be back in college, or working at my job. I often don't even have faith in myself, and it's like everyone around me is telling me that I'm doing it wrong. I've tried counseling... and even when someone gave me the comfort, the space, and the willingness to listen... I still couldn't talk about it. How can I put someone else through what I've experienced? I'm at the point where I feel like I have so many months worth of anger, guilt, shame, sadness, loneliness... I don't even know what to do with it all. I just wish my dad was here. I miss our late night phone calls, our silly conversations about absolutely anything, and all our inside jokes. He was the only person who could always put me back on track, and remind me why I should persevere... I only wish I knew what he would say me to now...
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Yes I do find it really hard to explain my loss and greif to others. So much of what you said I can relate to, I have had friends say they don't know what to say in an exasperated kind of way and then just not bother to contact me as it is too hard for them. I tried telling them that I just wanted their company and the odd hug but they didn't understand. they just wanted to fix me and get me better and back to my old self so that they didn't need to see me in pain. I know it is hard to see loved ones in pain but the biggest thing you can do to help is just stand with them in the pain, just to be there and available to listen (not give advice). but I know what you mean when you say its still hard to talk about when someone is willing to listen, I think I probably think that if I do then they will abandon me too, its ahrd to trust sometimes. I don't have an easy story to tell either, its kind of complicated and for people to understand my greif I need to explain it and disclose information that I feel ashamed of. so easier not to but then I have no support. there is a poem on here that is really good.called "to one in sorrow"
Let me come in where you are
weeping friend
And let me take your hand
I who have known sorrow such as
yours, can understand
let me come in I would be very still
beside you in your grief
I would not bid you cease your
weeping friend
tears bring relief, let me come in
and hold your hand
For I have known a sorrow such
as yours, and understand.
Grace Noll Crowell
Lots of love, Hugs, Babs
I do feel this way. Like the words are exhausting, to try to explain. I also feel like maybe people just want me to say I'm ok, so that they've asked obligatory nicety and I don't bombard them with what I'm really feeling. You mentioned the sad-eyed, head tilt...I've notice that too-I like the way you put that. It's appearance always shuts me down right away. I also don't know HOW to be anything other than what I am right now, emotionally, mentally, spiritually...and when people question me I get embarrassed or ashamed. Perhaps I'm not following the code of grief? Is there some other way I'm supposed to be? I find that with different people I'm having different expectations placed on me and that too makes me exhausted. To the point where I just want to be home, and not answer the phone or door. Then I can do what I have to and not feel like I'm failing to meet a standard I know nothing about. I hope you find a way to verbalize yourself and you find a safe place to do it. My thoughts are with you and if you need an ear mine are here for you.
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