I just did the hardest thing I have ever had to do.  I said my final goodbye
to Sara.  I have been sobbing and sobbing.  I
told her how much I love her and about all of the good things about her.  I told
her that it is for the best for her to go now.  I told her I didn't want it this
way and that I will miss her beyond belief.  I said that she was generous to a
fault, that she would give anybody anything, even stuff she was wearing at the
time.  I told her that she has a heart of gold and such a caring nature.  I
cried and cried when I said goodbye.  I will see her at the hospice facility
when she goes but today were my last words to her.  Gary and Gabe were coming
down the hall when we were leaving.  I was still sobbing and Gary looked at me
with such a caring look and said " I know".  He is talking about having very few
people to the memorial.

Bonnie, I never wrote you a message before, but I have been reading what you have posted. I hope you can be very strong on Tuesday, there isn't really anything else to say, no one can understand why something like this can happen or make sense of it. I'm sure your daughter feels the love she's surrounded with, and would be proud to see her Mom still standing in such a situation.

My daughter, Sara, is being moved from a nursing home to a Hospice facility where on Tuesday will be taken off life support (ventilator) and will go with the angels.  This has been a four month battle and now it is time to let her go.  I have been grieving all of this time but now it just doesn't seem real.  I am scared.

Thank you so much for reaching out. It's been years now since they have been gone but it still doesn't make it any more easier to go through. I am sorry to hear about what you are going through right now as well it can't be easy.

E-mail is fine. My address is jacobscott0405@gmail.com.

hey Bonnie, if you'd rather email off of the list let me know, it's obviously very personal what you're going through.  Just curious, where do you live?  I'm in Northern Virginia.  Anyway, I can imagine you are very scared, unsure, and filled with overwhelming emotions right now.  Maybe you can find some solace in knowing that you have been there with her every step of the way, and maybe her spirit can sense that and is comforted by it.  I studied Reiki and the idea of hands-on healing is something that I have seen work for people.... not in terms of curing illnesses, but in reaching a person's soul or inner spirit, and helping receive  healing energy or soothing energy from another person.  I'm not a fanatic or anything, but just think that your love and strength is emanating to your daughter even if you can't tell for sure if she is able to think or feel anything I would imagine if it's possible, then she will sense it even in an unconscious state.  So sorry you have had to experience such tragedy in your life Bonnie.  I'm sure nothing hurts worse than the loss of a child. 

Laura

roziers4@verizon.net

Bonnie, I'm sure the wait is tortuous as you said and I expect that once it is "over" you will have many mixed emotions to deal with, after trying to stay strong and get through it all for so long.  I'm glad you have your husband, son and other family members to help with this difficult time, and the Hospice care.  Sending my thoughts and prayers your way today....

Hi Bonnie, I'm glad to hear from you and it sounds like having Hospice available is going to be helpful now and in the future for you and your family.  I can't imagine what you must feeling as you just wait and see what happens when, I can't imagine the amount of constant grief you must be dealing with, as you have since tha fateful day in December.  I can't imagine how traumatic those moments were for you when she was taking her last breaths and she fell into your arms and you couldn't do anything to help her.  But you did provide her the chance to be  with her loving mother in her final moments which I would imagine might have given her a sense of comfort as it sounds like she may have had some level of awareness for those last few moments before she went into the coma.   My nephew died alone, discovered several hours later by his dad and my mom who he was staying with (he died on my brother's bday and a day before Father's day, so those are going to be tough days to deal with in June).  I don't know what level of consciousness he had in his final moments before he had respiratory failure, but it always makes me feel even worse that no one was there with him in his final moments.  Even if we couldn't have saved him, the idea of him being alone is very emotionally haunting for me.  You mentioned the anxiety attacks -- I had those for a few months after my dad died.  They often happened when I was leaving from visiting my mom and was overwhelmed with grief, and sometimes happened while driving on the highway which really freaked me out.  I know that when you lose someone to drug use it may be a deterrant to consider anti-anxiety drugs or anti-depressants but since they are not addictive you might want to consider that as an option to help you cope - perhaps you already have, none of my business, just saying, b/c they were helpful for me.   Anyway, Bonnie, I'll be continuing to think of you and pray for you and your family.  I'm not an overly religious person but I still feel that it can't hurt to send love and good thoughts out into the world and to those who are suffering.  So you continue to be in my heartfelt thoughts and prayers.

Laura

My thoughts are with you today.

I know how helpful it is to have people respond when you are going through something even through email, and am glad we've been able to correspond.  It must be really hard with all the emotions involved, with you and your husband, and the idea of letting go.  It sounds like you will take this step together as her parents and do, as you eloquently called it, the merciful choice, and let her go sooner rather than later.  My heart aches for you, especially being a mom myself.  When my nephew 31 yr. old nephew overdosed last June I was so devastated, and overcome with such grief, and still feel so full of sorrow over his loss.  He was my brother's son, who we all tried to help for so long, but just couldn't compete with his addiction.  Those of us who loved this young man (everyone who knew him loved him) still have many feelings ranging from sadness to anger to the "what if's" and occasionally we can have the feelings of warmth in remembering the good times and the great qualities he had and what he gave to us while he was still with us.  We can start to smile about some of the funny moments we shared, even if it is through tears while we still grieve.  I know one day that will come for you but it will take some time. 

Bonnie, I do believe that as her mother, you will make the best decision that will come from your heart and soul.  Hopefully one day you will feel a sense of peace about it, because I'm sure it is such a struggle to let go.  My thoughts and prayers are with you as you face a difficult day tomorrow. 

Laura

I'm praying for you as well.  I know you will do what you think is best for your daughter in this circumstance.   Please let me know if this is too personal to ask, but when you say there is little brain activity, vs. no brain activity, it makes me wonder how that is being interpreted by the doctors.  I only say this b/c I had a friend who 20 years ago at age 19 had a brain aneurysm and was in a coma for 4 months.  The doctors never thought she'd survive from day one, or if she did she'd just be on life support the whole time.  But miraculously she started showing signs of life, which doctors chalked up to being involuntary movements and noises; but family and friends visited her constantly, talking to her, touching her, playing music, telling stories, etc.,  and the doctor's never expected this but eventually they agreed she really was responding to her environment.  She came out of her coma at 4 months after this happened.  She had lost many functions including the ability to walk (she had stroke-like symptoms), and some speech problems, but eventually with a lot of therapy she has been able to live a somewhat normal life, although wheel chair bound.  So while I can't imagine being in your position having to make the ultimate decision, not wanting to imagine your child is suffering while waiting for that miracle to happen, maybe it is still an option to wait a little longer and get more testing done by neurologists or specialists.  I know you must have done everything you could for her, as any loving mother would, and it must be a horrible thing to have to face day after day hoping for signs of life.  I know others who have waited many more months, as much as a year with no change, and it was so dreadfully painful and the only way to finally grieve was to accept that there was no chance of the person recovering, and make the final decision to have a sense of closure.  It's a different type of pain and grief but obviously a necessary one to go through in either case.  Sometimes closure is the only way to move forward, and as long as you are following your heart that is the best you can do for your daughter, no matter what you decide.  My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Laura