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So, I'm a big dreamer. I have dreams almost every night and up until my sister died, I always had pretty normal dreams. Right after my sister died I dreamed about her a lot. Some were good dreams, remembering things from when we were younger. Some were really bad dreams.
The one that I remember so vividly felt more like an 'out-of-body' experience than a dream.
I dreamt that I was in her apartment with her the night that her boyfriend killed her. She was holding my hand and walking me around as the two of us watched what was happening to her like it was a movie. In that dream I tried to talk to her, warn her that she needed to leave right that second.. I was screaming at her, hysterical, but she couldn't hear me. Then I felt her grab my hand and she looked at me with such pain in her eyes; sorrow that I know only so well now. She looked so angelic as she so gently held onto my hand. She turned my attention to what was going on around us and it was so gruesome and horrific. Without a doubt the most terribly, horrifyingly, painful thing I have ever seen. I asked her to make it stop as I listened to her cry and plea for him to stop. I cringed when I saw how hard she fought to get away. I could feel the blade of the steak knife with every stab that he delivered. I wanted to wake up, I wanted for it to be over but she wouldn't let me go. Then all of a sudden the room went bright white and then came normal again but now she was on both sides of me, comforting me as I dropped to my knees sobbing, mind and body completely wrecked from what I just experienced. There I was, with my sister after died. She kept slipping in and out, she tried really hard to hold on as best she could as she tried to crawl to her front door. She tried to call out for help but her voice gave out and all I wanted to do was hold her and save her. She wouldn't let me. And then everything went black and I was watching scenes from our childhood with her. She showed me the days that she met my sons for the first time, my wedding day, the play that we worked on when she was in elementary school, the family trip to the Caribbean we took well over 10 years ago, the first day of her college classes... all the things that made her happy, that made her smile. Then the scenes stopped and she wiped the tears from my face and smiled at me. She told me how much she loves me and my boys and how much she cherished every moment that she spent with them... without saying a word. And then she was gone.
Just like that, I woke up.
For as long as I live, I will never forget what she showed me. What I saw and felt. The pain of missing her hasn't eased and my anger at what she will never experience is still there. I haven't had a dream about her since that one.. until last night.
It was an odd dream and I'm not sure what to make of it. I don't even remember all of it. I don't know where I was in this dream and all I remember is getting a call on my cell phone from Becky. Seeing her name on my phone nearly stopped my heart. It only rang once, no voice mail. Then a minute later, another call with her name on it and I answer it. It was my mother's husband, whom I have had no contact with since my sister's funeral and even that was difficult for me. My mother's husband, in my opinion, is not a good man. Deep down I actually blame their relationship for the relationship that ended my sister's life. He's a very toxic kind of person and has been for as long as I can remember. Before my sister's death, I had no contact with him for over a year and only tolerated his company because it seemed to help my mother.
So, why would I dream that he is calling me from my sister's cell phone? Why would I start to dream about her again now? I wish I had the answers to all my questions.. I wish I didn't feel so tortured.