Christine Leakey's Blog (16)

Seeking help is hard to do

I had my first therapy session yesterday. I was so nervous that my hands were shaking and I thought I might get sick but this was long over due for me.

I was so beyond nervous that I had to call a good friend of mine. He has this amazing ability to 'talk me down' when I get worked up. He has been to a therapist of his own and he told me that the first session is usually the hardest because you're about to be brutally honest with a complete stranger but he reassured me that this is…

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Added by Christine Leakey on June 27, 2013 at 7:46am — No Comments

Hello, Anxiety

In two days my sister will have been gone from this world for 180 days. 6 months. Each hour we get closer to the 20th my anxiety builds. I can't breathe, I can't think straight, I have no appetite, my heart is pounding, my hands are shaking and I just want to disappear. People around me can feel the anxiety radiating off me. I know that Thursday will be just another day for so many people in the world but I desperately don't want Thursday to come. I know it will accomplish nothing and change…

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Added by Christine Leakey on June 18, 2013 at 10:43am — 3 Comments

Falling apart

I'm just realizing how badly my sister's death has affected me. I feel like I'm spiraling out of control and I can't stop myself.

I thought I was being really strong and doing a great job of holding myself together but I couldn't have been more wrong. There has been a perfect storm brewing inside me since I got that phone call and I'm only now seeing it.

I started smoking again (I had quit last April cold turkey and was doing so well), my drinking has increased a lot, I'm…

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Added by Christine Leakey on May 23, 2013 at 1:22pm — 1 Comment

When dreams consume you..

So, I'm a big dreamer. I have dreams almost every night and up until my sister died, I always had pretty normal dreams. Right after my sister died I dreamed about her a lot. Some were good dreams, remembering things from when we were younger. Some were really bad dreams.

The one that I remember so vividly felt more like an 'out-of-body' experience than a dream.

I dreamt that I was in her apartment with her the night that her boyfriend killed her. She was holding my hand and…

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Added by Christine Leakey on May 1, 2013 at 10:57am — 1 Comment

When your world has morphed into the unknown..

I've been doing a lot of thinking these days.

I think about days past and good times I've shared with people. I think about the pain I've endured over the years- the abuse, the loss. I think about how many missed opportunities there have been in my life. I think about the good things I have now and the things I've lost.

Sometimes, thinking isn't such a good idea for me. Over the last several weeks I've been deep in thought about where I am right now. Emotionally,…

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Added by Christine Leakey on April 24, 2013 at 9:35am — 3 Comments

Waiting for him to realize he made a mistake..

Before my sister's death I thought I believed in God.

Right after her death I was very angry with God. Angry that he allowed that to happen, angry that he didn't help her hold on a little longer for help, angry that he took her. Then I realized that she died because of her boyfriends free will and I know God has no control over free will. And I realized that after what her boyfriend did, if she had survived those stab wounds and lived, she would have had to live with the knowledge and…

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Added by Christine Leakey on February 26, 2013 at 11:01am — 1 Comment

Helping others is helping myself

Not terribly far from where I live a pregnant 33 year old woman was stabbed to death by a long time ago ex boyfriend. Her young daughter and step-daughter were in the apartment with her when this happened.

I did not know this woman or her family but when I saw this on the news my heart broke. I thought to myself, "What the hell is going on in the world? Where are all of these crazy people coming from that think it's ok to hurt others?!"

I was angry, I was sad, I…

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Added by Christine Leakey on February 18, 2013 at 9:27am — No Comments

Torn

If there is anything good that I can take away from tragedy, it's that I need to try harder to maintain the relationships I have with the people I love.

That being said, I'm having a hard time being around my mother. I'm not angry with her but I feel uncomfortable around her right now. I know she is going through really intense pain and having a really hard time with my sister's death. My heart breaks for her and I wish I could make it all go away. I know I don't see or talk to my mom…

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Added by Christine Leakey on February 12, 2013 at 8:48am — 1 Comment

Unexpected pain

Today while I was eating lunch I had the television on, just as I always do.

I can't even remember what show I was watching now..

I had my head down, looking at my lunch- not in a sad mopey way but looking at what I was picking up with my fork. All of a sudden I heard Becky's voice. For real, not in my mind. I looked up and there she was. As beautiful as ever and alive. 

Months ago her and her boyfriend went on the show Judge Judy over a dispute with breeding their dog.…

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Added by Christine Leakey on February 7, 2013 at 2:41pm — No Comments

Confused

I've been confused before about many things. I was confused by what happened to my sister; I didn't, don't and probably will never understand why. Her killer was someone who claimed to love her but I know in my heart of hearts that he couldn't have possibly loved her. Looking back now I see, the way he participated (or lack thereof) in their relationship, the way he spoke to her- he didn't love her. He didn't know what love was. I will always be confused and never understand how someone…

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Added by Christine Leakey on February 4, 2013 at 9:00am — 1 Comment

How do you deal with the pain of missing someone?

I miss my sister.

I miss her smile, her hugs, her smell, her laugh, the twinkle in her eye, her tenaciousness to make it on her own. I miss her pride, I miss her loving heart, I miss her bubbly personality, I miss her attitude. I miss how fiercely she loved her family and how much she worried about our mom. I miss how excited she got when she would see her nephews. I miss how intelligent she was - even when she was making stupid mistakes. I miss her and all she was and ever will…

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Added by Christine Leakey on January 31, 2013 at 8:17am — No Comments

Social Media and grieving

My sister and I were friends on Facebook.

We didn't get to see each other often because of our schedules. I work full-time Monday-Friday, she worked mostly weekends waiting tables. When she worked close to where I live, we saw her every Sunday morning. I would leave her little messages on her Facebook page and send her pictures of the boys. 

At the time those little things were exchanged I never thought I would cherish the virtual words we shared as much as I do right…

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Added by Christine Leakey on January 29, 2013 at 9:03am — No Comments

Welcome to my subconscious..

I'm a big dreamer. I dream of many things.

Just reading a book will effect my dreams. I read The Hunger Games trilogy early last year and almost every night I dreamt that I was actually in the arena of the games.

I have had dreams of my sister since she has passed. Some of them are good - about us growing up, of her being older than her 23 years with children of her own. Some of them are bad - the things her killer did to her, the pain she went through and I have even dreamt…

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Added by Christine Leakey on January 25, 2013 at 8:18am — No Comments

Snow

My sister, Becky, loved snow.

When she was younger her favorite thing to do in the winter months was to play in the snow. Build an igloo, have a snowball fight, sled down a hill with me and my youngest sister, build the biggest snowman on the block and make beautiful snow angels in the front yard.

As she got older, her favorite thing to do in the winter months was to play with her nephew in the snow and watch the wonderment in his eyes. The same wonderment that she…

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Added by Christine Leakey on January 24, 2013 at 9:30am — 1 Comment

And then there was anger

Today I woke up angry.

I think I hate these days the most, right now anyway. I think that anger is a useless and dangerous emotion that can completely eat you alive if you allow it. As strongly as I feel this is true, I can't not stop my anger from coming.

I'm angry that my sister was murdered. I'm angry that her killer was someone that she thought loved her.  I'm angry that she suffered so much in her final moments. I'm angry that she didn't leave him when she had the…

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Added by Christine Leakey on January 23, 2013 at 8:25am — No Comments

Venturing into unknown territory

I've never written a blog post before but I have heard that it can be very therapeutic. I've recently suffered a great loss and I feel deep down that letting some of what I feel out into the open will be helpful on my journey through grief. So, here we go..

I've been touched by death before. The death of a loved one who had been ill, the death of a loved one who lived to be 92 years old and even the death of a close friend who accidentally overdosed. Never had I ever thought…

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Added by Christine Leakey on January 22, 2013 at 11:00am — 2 Comments

Groups

Latest Activity

Lauren A Fernandez is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
4 hours ago
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Thanks Nancy, I am sure everyone in our group can relate."
6 hours ago
Avi commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Yes we have no choice but to live without our mothers. Grief and guilt will be there through out and some days will be really hard than others. Yesterday was pathetic for me as my father said something that really hit me. I hope to see my mother…"
23 hours ago
Nancy commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Love this Linda.  Thanks for posting it. "
yesterday
Linda Engberg commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
yesterday
Nancy commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I relate to you all who have posted lately.  2 years for me.  2nd year was worse than the first as reality set in and shock lessened.  I am still in a trauma state of mind.  Forgetful, irritable, less patient.  I isolate…"
yesterday
Deanna N Nash added a discussion to the group surviving family members' murders
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Nothing feels real

My husband was brutly murdered 6 day ago and nothing feels real to me I'm still waiting to wake up or him to call me the pain is unbearable I don't know if I can go on anymore
Saturday
Deanna N Nash commented on Susie H's group surviving family members' murders
"6 days ago my husband and soulmate was brutly murdered and everyday gets a little harder I haven't seen him yet he's held up at the corners and I'm terrified to see him but I need to see him to convince my mind that this is real and…"
Saturday
Deanna N Nash joined Susie H's group
Saturday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Robin, thank you.  Bluebird was the honesty that i discovered on this site that made it possible for me to express what I go through.  Several others who write let me know too.  I tend to reach out here, particularly when I am…"
Saturday
Robin commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"Hi Morgan - I lost my husband John, 9 years ago, when he was 46.  I come to this website every now & then, but have only commented a few times.  I relate most to you and Bluebird.  I can't believe it's been 9 years, and…"
Saturday
morgan commented on Jon-Paul Ackerman's group Lost My Spouse...
"I really don't know what to say to all the newer people who come here looking for help and comfort because I have struggled for years. I did find an article written by a psychotherapist just the other day that made some sense to me about the…"
Saturday
Sharon batten posted a discussion

Missing my true love

My partner died 14 weeks ago and I am struggling big time without her, we been together for 10 years and now I have nothing left,
Friday
Sharon batten left a comment for Sharon batten
"I hate my life without her now I miss her so much, we been together for 10 years and now I have nothing left"
Friday
Profile IconSharon batten, Eileen A. Palazza, Deanna N Nash and 2 more joined Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Friday
Kathleen Jordan posted photos
Friday
Kathleen Jordan commented on Anna-Marie's blog post When does the crying stop.
"Even though dream moon can't do grammar, I agree. It doesn't stop...it will hit at moments out of the clear blue....4 years, 9 years or 20.  It is a loss, and it's real."
Friday
Kathleen Jordan added 2 discussions to the group What's Next?
Friday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I do not know how to live this life without my mother either, but if there is one thing that I have learned, it's that I have no choice. Life comes for you regardless of whether or not we want to be a part of it."
Friday
Kathleen Jordan commented on Kathleen Jordan's group What's Next?
"I have been a member of this site for a few years now, and one of the most depressing things I see is people that are lost in the loss. I have many friends IRL that I thought I understood; now I actually do. Folks that still are single after 20…"
Friday

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