When your world has morphed into the unknown..

I've been doing a lot of thinking these days.

I think about days past and good times I've shared with people. I think about the pain I've endured over the years- the abuse, the loss. I think about how many missed opportunities there have been in my life. I think about the good things I have now and the things I've lost.

Sometimes, thinking isn't such a good idea for me. Over the last several weeks I've been deep in thought about where I am right now. Emotionally, mentally, and physically. I've come to realize that I'm not happy with myself in any of those areas.

I'm married. I have two boys, ages 7 and almost 3. We just moved to our first single family home on a picture perfect street. I'm built small and have no serious health issues. I should be happy.

But I'm not.

I started doing yoga, in hopes that I could become more zen with myself and more healthy. It has certainly helped me learn how to deal with day to day stress more efficiently and effectively and I can already notice an increase in my flexibility, tone and balance. But I'm no more happy than I was when I started.

I started to begin thinking that something may be wrong with my marriage. I told my husband of my concerns. How I'm not happy with our marriage, how I'm not happy with our lack of communication and that I don't feel wanted. He said nothing. Feelings solidified.

The next day, he brought home a card saying that he was sorry but sorry isn't what I wanted. That night he tried to make love with me but that's not what I wanted either. I want to connect with him on a much deeper level, a level that I don't think we've ever connected. But those feelings seem lost on him. And so begins what I can only describe as falling. Falling farther away from my life as a wife and mother, falling out of love with the man I've been with for the last 10 years of my life and falling for another..

I never thought that I'd find myself here. I never thought that I'd be the wife that fantasizes of being with another man. I never thought that I'd ever do anything to jeopardize the life I worked so hard to have. I never thought that I wouldn't care about the fall out of exploring my desires. I never thought that I'd fall out of love with my husband and begin falling for someone else.

Someone who, when he sees my mind start drifting away because I'm thinking about my sister, he smiles at me and makes sure that I see it. Someone who, when I say something he actually listens. Someone who asks me how my day was. Someone who makes me laugh when all I feel like doing is crying. Someone who, when he touches me, I feel the electricity and desire and makes me feel wanted. Someone who I can be completely and candidly honest with.

One of the things my sister's death has taught me is that nobody's tomorrow is promised so you have to live for today.

So, now I'm living in a world that I don't recognize. A world without my sister, a world where unhappiness seems to be drowning me. A world where I feel like my feelings make me a horrible person. So, I put on my happy face because I don't want to hurt the people around me by telling them how I feel and I just withdraw. 

Except with him. He is the only one who knows exactly how I feel. And even though he won't do anything to hurt my husband, he's still there for me when I need to talk- even if it's about nothing.

How do I get passed this? How do I fight for something that I'm not even sure I want anymore? Do I feel all of this because of my sister's death? Has it opened my mind to things I didn't even know where there? I'm torn and stuck.. stuck in perpetual melancholy.. 

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Comment by Melisa C on April 30, 2013 at 8:39am

I think you shouldn't be that hard on yourself. After what happened to your sister, who wouldn't be questioning everything. I guess whenever we are faced with losing someone we love, it's bound to happen that we feel we live in a different world. What you are feeling for this other man could be a way to hang on a bit to life, to deal with the pain. Like wanting to find a light in the middle of all the things you are going through.

Don't beat yourself over it. One can feel guilty over feeling something but if it doesn't have serious consequences (since you say he wont pursue it), then what's the point in suffering for it.

Comment by Christine Leakey on April 29, 2013 at 11:23am

I so wish that I didn't have these feelings. I feel like they make me a horrible person and not only am I potentially ruining my marriage but because I even said anything to this other guy, I may have ruined his friendship with my husband. Which was not my intention at all. I just find myself wishing so desperately that things could be different, that timing was little different so that I could feel the way this other guys makes me feel all the time. He made me feel totally happy and excited and wanted... But he doesn't want to pursue anything because he is friends with my husband and I can't fault him for that.. it's one of the things that I admire about him. He's everything I've ever wanted in a man, I just found him a few years too late.

Comment by Debby Sularie on April 25, 2013 at 5:08am

 I met my bf of 18 yrs.when we were 30.We have a boy 15 n girl 14.I thought I had met the man of my dreams,and for a long time,I really had.We have been through hard times but remained faithful.When my brother died,I have never been the same.I seem to have been doing alot of what your experiencing.Losing someone I love as much as I did my brother,changed me and my entire perspective on things in life I thought were fine. For me,I guess its making me realize life is so unpredictable and with that,it shook me to the core.I,too have been rethinking how I do things,how I feel I deserve someone who really 'gets' me on an emotional level that I'm not getting.Don't beat yourself up over it because if things are changing,its probably something thats been there for awhile now.And no one is a failure if things don't turn out the way we 'planned' them.Your only human an like anyone else,you deserve to be happy.Take one day at a time.My brothers death has changed me.I can't put it into words,but much of what your feeling,I've had and continue to have in my life.Losing someone so close forces us to really look at ourselves.Sometimes,it makes us realize we deserve to be happy because we finally realized how real death is.I wish you the best.As far as the children are concerned,in the end,as long as you are happy and do whats best for your well being,the kids will be fine.If us Moms are not happy,the kids see it,they really do.I'm still not sure what I'm going to do,but I'm not going to settle for less then being happy.Good luck n take care.

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