Christine Leakey
  • Female
  • Reisterstown, MD
  • United States
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Feeling guilty
2 Replies

I've been feeling guilty for going back to work and moving on with my life after my sister's death. I know that I need to but it's just doesn't feel right. Like I'm somehow going to forget her or…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by Dolly Jun 11, 2013.

Dealing with a difficult family member in the face of tragedy.
2 Replies

I have three two sisters. An older sister and a younger one. Since my younger sister, Becky, was murdered I've become the middle child. Although, I suppose I've just always been the older one..My…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by Bob Fredrick Jan 31, 2013.

Feeling a disconnect with everything
10 Replies

I've been feeling disconnected lately. From my family, my friends, my work and especially my emotions. I think it may be a defense mechanism, an attempt to protect myself for further pain. I have a…Continue

Started this discussion. Last reply by Tahnee Attwood Jan 31, 2013.

Denial
2 Replies

Do you ever get passed the "I can't believe this" thoughts?I realize that it's only been a little over a month since the death of my sister but I feel like I'll never be able to accept this. It will…Continue

Tags: denial

Started this discussion. Last reply by Eliza Jan 26, 2013.

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Profile Information

About Me:
I'm a wife and mother of two sons. I live in Reisterstown, MD and work full time as an admitting specialist. I don't really have any hobbies because our schedules are full with work, school, cub scouts and the boys outings.
About my Loss:
On December 20, 2012 my younger sister was murdered by her boyfriend of 6 years. He stabbed her multiple times and then took his own life.

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Christine Leakey's Blog

Seeking help is hard to do

I had my first therapy session yesterday. I was so nervous that my hands were shaking and I thought I might get sick but this was long over due for me.

I was so beyond nervous that I had to call a good friend of mine. He has this amazing ability to 'talk me down' when I get worked up. He has been to a therapist of his own and he told me that the first session is usually the hardest because you're about to be brutally honest with a complete stranger but he reassured me that this is…

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Posted on June 27, 2013 at 7:46am

Hello, Anxiety

In two days my sister will have been gone from this world for 180 days. 6 months. Each hour we get closer to the 20th my anxiety builds. I can't breathe, I can't think straight, I have no appetite, my heart is pounding, my hands are shaking and I just want to disappear. People around me can feel the anxiety radiating off me. I know that Thursday will be just another day for so many people in the world but I desperately don't want Thursday to come. I know it will accomplish nothing and change…

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Posted on June 18, 2013 at 10:43am — 3 Comments

Falling apart

I'm just realizing how badly my sister's death has affected me. I feel like I'm spiraling out of control and I can't stop myself.

I thought I was being really strong and doing a great job of holding myself together but I couldn't have been more wrong. There has been a perfect storm brewing inside me since I got that phone call and I'm only now seeing it.

I started smoking again (I had quit last April cold turkey and was doing so well), my drinking has increased a lot, I'm…

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Posted on May 23, 2013 at 1:22pm — 1 Comment

When dreams consume you..

So, I'm a big dreamer. I have dreams almost every night and up until my sister died, I always had pretty normal dreams. Right after my sister died I dreamed about her a lot. Some were good dreams, remembering things from when we were younger. Some were really bad dreams.

The one that I remember so vividly felt more like an 'out-of-body' experience than a dream.

I dreamt that I was in her apartment with her the night that her boyfriend killed her. She was holding my hand and…

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Posted on May 1, 2013 at 10:57am — 1 Comment

Comment Wall (6 comments)

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At 10:15am on August 8, 2013, MaLissa said…
I am very sorry for your loss. My sister was murdered Oct 6, 2011. I miss her every day. I fon't knoe how many timrs I've picked up phone to call her. If you ever need go talk please let me know. malbrant75@gmail.com
At 1:37am on February 2, 2013, Brandon Stanley said…

Thank you Christine, I have a 4 month year old boy, cutest little thing. I am always so paranoid something will happen to him. Just goes to show, anything can happen. I always try to believe that God has a plan for us all.

At 7:34am on February 1, 2013, Brandon Stanley said…

I am sorry to hear about your loss Christine, it is such a shame, if you need to talk I am always happy to listen.

At 8:36am on January 26, 2013, rivka finkelstein said…
Hi chtistine. I lost my sister over 15 yrs ago and it left a gaping hole in my life. Now years later i lost my 20 yr old son. Both of thrm were warm loving special people who knew how to relate to and take care of others. Its hard to go on but we have to. Some days are hard and other times its not so hard. I have tried hard to accept that these tragedies are part of living. Plus a little antidrpressant always helps too!!
At 9:06pm on January 25, 2013, Margarita said…

Hi Christine, I am so sorry for your loss. I can't even come up with the words to explain what I want to say.  It's just not fair, that's all.  As for your Denial post, in a few days, it will be 3 months since my mom passed and there are still days that I have to remind myself that my mom is not around.  It feels almost as if the last 4 months (including the month she was ill) was surreal, a blur.  So I just keep find more and more ways to avoid it, work more and keep busy.  I feel as if I will never be ok, I know I will never be ok, I will never be the same.

At 12:38am on January 25, 2013, Emily said…

I'm so sorry about your sister, please feel free to message me anytime.

 
 
 

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Latest Activity

G B is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
17 hours ago
Dennis C. replied to Amy's discussion How do I get unstuck?
"Amy, I am so sorry for your loss. The journey of caregiving is extremely difficult. The loss of our especially loved dear ones is unspeakable. There are so many different ideas about what happens to us when we die. Religion teaches many different…"
yesterday
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I just feel like I am in a fog.  I have a little dog that is at least ten years old.  She adored my Mom & she has really grieved for her.  I know how you feel about your dog.  I worry about her.  She is all I have. …"
Thursday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Me too Brett, I sit here an look at my 12 year old Labrador and I know he is on borrowed time, and my heart breaks, losing him will be something that I am not looking forward to. As you said Brett, we have the live our lives until we are called…"
Thursday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Yes, I was looking at something that popped up on my Yahoo news feed. It was an article naming 106 celebrities who have passed away in 2019. So many names and faces that I remembered. Now they are gone, and they aren't coming back. Their time…"
Thursday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Brett so true she was my security blanket I feel like I have no one to lean on that understood me like her You know what keeps coming in my mind. How true it is and scary that everything has a beginning and an end."
Thursday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I hear it all the time you don’t know how lucky you were that your mother wasn’t sick and you didn’t have to take care of her I say to them lucky I was lucky that my mother died and I was not right by her side to tell her I love…"
Wednesday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"M, the problem is that our security blankets were ripped away. Like you, sometimes I am glad to be sad. I feel like I am closer to my mom when I am crying. At least, her memory is fresher with me when I am in that zone. I feel like the hard reality…"
Wednesday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Theresa, millions, billions of people have lost their moms. Sometimes someone will tell me that they have lost their mom, too, but they were able to deal with it, and they wonder why I haven't dealt with it as well. This may sound like an…"
Wednesday
M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Me too ...I was sitting marking a paper yesterday and suddenly realized that I can’t see or talk to my mother about this or anything else and the tears came.  But I’m glad to think of her, in a way I can be glad to be sad sometimes.…"
Tuesday
Theresa commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"I sometimes will just be sitting down and I start to cry because I keep thinking I miss my mom so much my whole world is just not the same I think that I’ve become a different person it will be four years and I still cry I can’t put into…"
Tuesday
M Adams commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"Definitely a colder world now.  I like the image of the security blanket — like, as we go forward, we will always keep it but eventually may be able to wash it, fold it nicely, and put it in some place of honour close at hand but without…"
Tuesday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"The world just became a colder place when my mom died. I just remember feeling like all was right with the world when my mom was in the next room. "
Tuesday
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"It is such a traumatic event, especially when you have had a wonderful Mom.  It is so hard knowing she is gone.  Knowing this is permanent.  There is no one that can fill the void she left.  My brother was close to Mom, but he…"
Tuesday
Cherie is now a member of Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Tuesday
Amy replied to Amy's discussion How do I get unstuck?
"I am not a believer and nor was he. We covered the bases just incase though. We were both raised Catholic. That is all besides the point though. "
Tuesday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"While I never forget that my mom is gone, for some reason it just hits me over the head sometimes. Just out of the blue I'll be like, "Mom is gone." It's horrible. It's ever present. And the thing is that it is always with…"
Monday
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"My Mom also.  I could always talk to her about anything & knew she was someone I could totally trust.  I am constantly thinking of something I want to share with her & then I remember she is gone.  I loved spending time with…"
Monday
Brett Bowman commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"There is no doubt that it is anxiety. In fact, I think we are experiencing fight or flight. Since birth my mom had been my security blanket."
Monday
Sue Toler commented on Karen's group I miss my Mom!
"It is still numbing to think my Mom is gone & I can't talk to her or see her again.  I lost part of me when she passed.  Someone said the restless feelings I have are really anxiety.  Daily crying is part of my life. …"
Monday

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