It's been 2 years since I lost my mother and my husband and I am still lost and still very much alone in my grief I haven't been on this site in a while I've been trying to get by every day it's not working too well I'm struggling really really hard my family is still not around I guess they think I am OK that I'm doing fine little do theyknow that I'm not they are coming to my house this Saturday for a cook out because it's something my mother wanted me to do that's the only reason I agreed to it but I'm wondering how it's going to go because I'm still angry and I know they're going to ask me how are you so my response to them is going to be how are you this way they'll talk about themselves and forget that I just didn't answer them because I know deep down they don't really care they don't understand the emptiness I feel and how lost I am they don't know that I stay up all day and all night crying because I don't tell them and I'm not going to so wish me luck

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Comment by dream moon JO B on September 27, 2017 at 4:49am

yep no fealin bean 5 yrs sinse dad gon

iv tld foget him r els i cnt i no i feal bad coz im not bean fair 2 ther fealins

Comment by Susan Smith on September 27, 2017 at 4:18am
HI Pamela,

I'm really sorry you still feel the way you do. I'm exactly the same, I think I now have smiling depression. Our Mums death leaves a massive hole and a loss of identity as well. We had our Mums for so long and I truely believe how can we ever be the same. I hide how I feel as well and by doing this I don't think we have been able to grieve properly. I feel as if others have moved in and forgotten and we are expected to just act fine and even it we aren't fine would they be bothered anyway. My sibling rings me every week but I act jolly I don't feel jolly but I know he has moved in. He wasn't at my Mams death like I was, I was the only one with my Mam when she gasped her last breath, I still see her doing that and I won't be the same again. The question of our own mortality is what is causing me problems as well. I think I look back and wish that I and probably you could of said NO I aren't doing well I'm terrible it's almost as if if we said this now people think it's weird as it was months ago. X
Comment by Alice Thompson on September 25, 2017 at 5:09pm
Good luck, Pamela :-) It is so hard to live among others when your inner life is so different from theirs. I think that after the first year I gave up expecting anyone to understand what is really going on for me. Sometimes I tell them anyway, but it doesn't work out well. This is hell. A couple of weeks ago I had a great idea for a trip I could go on and enjoyed telling people about my plan. Then I looked at flights and accommodation on the internet and felt chilled to the bone. Somehow I forgot I wouldn't be able to enjoy it because he's not here. Will I never be able to enjoy a trip again?

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