my name is Dana I am 47, a Mother of 4 Boys and 1 GrandDaughter,
About my Loss:
My Mom died March 6,2009. and my Dad died April 19 2009, I took care of both of them, my Mom died unexpectedly and my grief my guilt my thoughts and my memories will not go away! I miss them both so much but my Mom I cant let go of all these feelings they are eating me up inside and nobody understands, not even my Husband whose Father passed away August 16,2009 5 months later unexpectedly also does not understand. He just tells me that I am abcessed with it and I need to let go! well I cant because my Mom died because her Doctor would not listen to me he denied giving her a simple test that would have detected the Ascites she had at which she needed to be drained. I filed a claim against him with the Medical Board which is still in process. I cry every night and miss my Mom so much she was my best friend and they also lived with us so I am reminded of them everyday at every moment in this House, their room is still the same I cant bring myself to clean out their stuff to me it will always be their room. Please if there is anyone out there who understands what I am going through please help I feel like I am losing my mind and things will never get better.
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How are you? I'm hardly ever on this site anymore. I've been on daily strength.com/It's a grief site like this one but people answer you quicker. I was on here for months, and I think you've been the only one to respond. I know how you feel. My moma passed away 5-21-09. I miss her more everyday. Try this website- daily strength.com You'll like this site. They've really help me through these difficult times. My prayers are with you. I check my messages eveyday on the daily strength web site.
continued from 1. 2 of 2. Re you and your son fighting you do both need bereavement counselling your right. Regarding you fighting with your son. He is 14 and our little babies have turned into Harry Enfield Kevins, if you know that program in other words teenagers from hell and he would be difficult anyhow however ofcourse your Mom death as excaberbated all this. Try not to get involved when he starts and walk away as much as it hurts,punch a cushion, do some meditation, writing etc and tell him only you will talk with him when he has calmed down. Easier said than done however thats how I learnt to deal with my teens. It's about finding new techniques that don't leave you feeling worse. It's ironic because I am in the theraputic/stroke mental health line and yet you can';t counsel your own greif or your familes, I know as it is too close. Hope that helps x
Eileen it is not your fault that your Mom died. Your Aunt has serious emotional issues and that need to blame is about her ego that she wasn't looking after your Mom and it was you. Your Aunt won't realise this however as you have said she is a woman with difficulties who is emotionally insecure and puts on an act to put others down to make her feel better about herself. It's really hard I know. With Mom at first I blamed myself for Mom death as we were having additional imput as we weren't coping when Mom had a nasty fall in an NHS enviroment and broke her hip last September, Two operations escalated her dementia meaning she needed nursing care and couldn't come home and Mom was left like a vegatable from it. She passed in Dec just gone, 2010. I felt like I had killed Mom by getting extra help and it wouldn't have happened if Mom had been at home with us. My Doctor gave me a right telling off for that and my mentor said 'who made you God Carol,that's ego, thinking you could have saved your Mom asnd done it all in your own strenght'. Mom had had enough anyway even when she was living with us Mom had lost her independance and she told me last year that when I said to her 'what do you want from me Mom, I can't do anything to make you happy anymore' Mom pointed upwards and said I want to be up their, meaning heaven. Mom had lost her independance even before the accident.x. It is harder if someone is blaming you as we all tend to take on the negative and forget the positive. Where your Aunt is concerned the next time you get a comment or a look, I would just say Auntie if you thought you could have done any better why didn't you take over or give your imput, I did the best I could and you blaming me is your stuff, not mine' and walk away. You can something politely however firmly without being rude. You do not have to take this behaviour from your Aunt.
Thank you for the comment, Dana. I have been leaning on God for strength as much as I can. It's only been a few weeks but already it feels too long. I fear for my dad because he lost the love of his life, and I fear for my brother because the last words he said to my mom were very unkind. It just doesn't seem real. It can't be. I keep thinking I will wake up from this nightmare at some point, but I just can't shake it. Whenever I've lost someone before, they've always said that time heals everything. But when this happened, people have said instead, "Time will help, but it will never fully heal." I don't know what to do with that. I wish you could be guilt free. There are always so many "shoulda, woulda, couldas" that circle your brain when things like this happen, but in reality, we couldn't have done anything. If it was their time to go, it was their time. It may not have been OUR time, but for God, it was. And it doesn't matter anyway because no matter what, the people we loved are gone. Not forever, but until we join them in heaven, that is our reality. And it sucks. I wish your husband could understand.
Diana - Thanks for your lovely note. I'm sorry that you have had so much loss in the last year. My family had a terrible year in 1994 (not that this is a good one). We lost my uncle in June, great uncle in August and grandfather in October, so I can relate to what you're going through.
Thanks Dana I feel for you too . my aunt in Ca blames me for my mom 's death . Sometimes I wish she would not say that to me!! She has this thing that she can dp better than me when comes to being a caretaker. Everyone said to me that I did take care of my mom w\ love and patience i should never have any regrets for taking care of her for 9 1\2 years before she past away . Went to every doctor's appointments and followed every advice w\ the nurse , the PT , OT and dietaitian that came to see my mom when she was alive. My sisters calles my dad & I to see how we're doing since my mom past away . Thank you for there for me Dana .
Thanks Jeremy, It makes me feel better too, I have a Sister and 2 Brothers they never call and ask how I am doing! they know that I was closer to my Parents since they lived with us for the past 10 years, but there is no calls to ask if I am ok? nothing. This is the only talking about it that I get to do, today was hard a Family Member that I hardly know sent me some Pictures of my Parents,my Dad when he was little and a picture of my Mom and Me when I was 10 years old, it took me by surprise needless to say I broke down. Thanks for being there.
I'm sorry for your loss. It's really feels alot better talking to people who has been thru the same experience. My family up in Ohio just don't seem to understand what I'm going thru. My Dad is not supportive at all. I talk to him about once a month on the phone. I know that I will never be the same person that I use to be, but I try to stay positive . I just take it day by day. If you ever want to talk just let me know. Once again I'm so sorry for your loss.
I blamed myself for my Moms death if only I had taken her to another Doctor ! if I had not listened to him! if I had just listened to my got feeling! If If If, then one day I just broke down and asked her for forgiveness even though I knew that she did not blame me after that I kind of stopped blaming myself, I really did try my best to take care of her and my Dad. And I too cry and miss them both everyday! but Mom was my Best Friend so It is harder with her. We live just 10 minutes from where my Parents and my Brother are buried, so I go out there every week and decorate it looks so pretty, I know my Mom watchs me probably thinking Dana you dont have to do this every week but I do it helps me get through each day. I hope your Son stops blaming himself because it does no good! it just prolongs the grief I know. Ill be thinking of you on Sunday I hope that it helps you.
I am sorry for your loss, the anniversary of my beloved mother is Sunday Feb 7th, I can not believe it has been a year, this is not a day that I don't cry and miss her she and I and my 11 year old son all lived together. My Mom was my son's best friend and they were closer than he and I. He found her passed out on Feb 1st and believes that he caused her to die. I miss her more every day. I "talk" to her daily and still live in the same apartment and her stuff is all around us. My son and I fight due to frustrations and hurt everyday we need counseling and he has to understand that her dying was not his fault. I hope some things get better for you. I know on Sunday we have to go to her grave site and this will be the first time since she laid to rest, in the Jewish faith you are supposed to wait one year to go to her grave, I don't know how I am going to drive back and forth without my a complete melt-down.
"I hear it all the time you don’t know how lucky you were that your mother wasn’t sick and you didn’t have to take care of her I say to them lucky I was lucky that my mother died and I was not right by her side to tell her I love…"
"M, the problem is that our security blankets were ripped away.
Like you, sometimes I am glad to be sad. I feel like I am closer to my mom when I am crying. At least, her memory is fresher with me when I am in that zone.
I feel like the hard reality…"
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