"Welcome to the group. I lost my partner on February 5th this year, so it's still pretty raw for me too. Reading through your story really touched a chord with me. Like you, I didn't think I would ever find a group like…"
Online Grief Support - A Social Community
Don't grieve alone; 14,000 members and growing
My Son Died Instantly In The Same Crash I Survived
Hi. I'm a mom and my 9 year-old son and I were in a multi-car rollover accident 11/7/11.
We were just driving along, following my husband who hauls oversize loads. I drive as his rear escort car and our son, Andrew, attended online school.
At the time of the accident, Andrew was logged onto his Monday math class, waiting for his teacher to log on. My husband, ahead of us, was hauling a generator for a wind mill; the load was very wide and he was unable to see me. However, we did have communication by CB radio. My vehicle had an amber lightbar on top, red flags, and "Oversize Load" banners attached to the front and back. Ahead of my husband's truck were two other escort vehicles, each with the same oversize requirements. We were traveling north on a two-lane road.
I never saw the small Ford Ranger pick-up truck that struck my vehicle on the driver side. Unconscious, my vehicle spun into the southbound lane, and then was struck on the passenger side by a full-size Ford F-250 pick-up truck, killing Andrew instantly.
I regained consciousness and saw Andrew sitting really close to me. Figuring he was unconsciousas as I had been, I touched his hair, stroking it and telling him "everything is going to be fine." When he didn'trespond to me, I thought, of course he can't hear me...he's unconscious...and that was okay. He wouldn't panic. I didn't know where my left arm was, and my head was through the sunroof. I was unaware we had flipped and rolled down a hill, coming to rest on the passenger side of the vehicle.
My orientation off, I again touched Andrew with my right hand, on his right shoulder, then his left. Satisfied that he looked and felt "okay," I began answering a man's voice, he was asking me questions, such as, "what's your name? Do you know where you are?" It was very bright and very loud...lots of voices, a helicopter, and the sounds of what was my vehicle being pryed open. I was told "hold still, this might hurt," not knowing if it was the Jaws of Life the firefighters were using, or the backboard and neck brace being put under and around me.
Concerned that I had not yet heard anything from Andrew, I told the rescuers, "I'm fine, please get my son out first." Both at the same time, two men spoke, one saying, "there's a boy in there??" and the other one saying, "we have to get you out of the way to get to him."
Not wanting to panic and scare Andrew, I asked him to pray with me. I began reciting the Lord's Prayer, listening for Andrew's voice. I didn't hear him, thinking that maybe the loud helicopter was why. At that moment, I realized all I could see was sky and trees, followed by the plain white ceiling of the helicopter. Scissors tore through my jeans, shirt, bra and underwear, as the faces of a man and a woman appeared in my line of vision.
They told me we'd be flying to a trauma center, about a 30 minute flight. I asked if Andrew was in the helicopter with us. One of them told me no, there were people on the ground taking care of him. I asked if they could call whoever is on the ground. I needed to know how my son was. Again, I was told no, they're busy getting him out of the Tahoe, but that I could inquire about his condition when we got to the trauma center.
While in-flight, I was unaware of two things: one, that Andrew did not survive, and two, the wherabouts of my husband. I found out later that when he tried to reach me by radio and I didn't answer, he wasn't too concerned, as he knew I'd be coaching Andrew with his schoolwork. Later, he tried my cell phone...no answer. So then, he sent one of his front-escorts back behind him. When told I wasn't there, he was surprised and doubted the escort. Figuring I had gotten a flat tire, he found a place to pull over, which isn't easy when the truck and trailer are 115 feet long.
About this time, the police called his cell phone to inform him of the accident. They had gotten his number from the magnetic "pilot car" signs on my Tahoe. Before he could get to me, the police gave him a DOT inspection. The officer was very apologetic to my husband, but still had to do it. My husband got to the accident site, only to be held back by the police. He could only get close enough to see the F-250 on my car, and the helicopter on the road. He had no idea if either Andrew or I were alive.
At the hospital, it seemed like I was handled and talked to by a million different people...trauma doctors, nurses, etc. I learned that I had been given an alias, "Trauma Albany," to protect my identity from the media. I really didn't know I had broken bones and bloody lacerations. I could not understand why nobody was telling me anything about Andrew. So I asked, "WHERE IS MY SON!?" and was told that the hospital didn't treat children, that IF he was taken to a hospital, it would be a children's hospital.
Certainly, I thought, Andrew was okay. When I last saw him in the Tahoe, his back was turned to me. He was sitting upright, but his seat was gone. The center console was gone. He sat at my knees, just an arm's length away. From the top of his head to the middle of his back was all I could see, but everything looked normal.
What was a 30 minute flight for me was a couple hours drive for my husband. He still had not reached the hospital when a doctor came to my bed and told me, "I'm sorry, but your son didn't make it." I didn't believe him. Really, I didn't believe anybody telling me that Andrew was gone. Not even my husband when he got to the hospital. I spent the next 6 days there with a broken left wrist that required surgery, 2 broken right-side ribs, cuts and bruises all over, and a broken bone in my lower back that wasn't severe enough for surgery.
The accident was on a Monday, surgery on Friday, and I was released on a Sunday. It was on that Sunday, November 13th, 2011 that I saw for myself...Andrew was dead. It is a reality that I struggle with every moment of every day. I can't believe my baby is gone.
I still have breath in me. I don't know why. I'm alive, Andrew is not. I can't fathom how this could possibly be part of God's plan...a part that's supposed to make sense later??
If you've read this far, thank-you for taking the time. Nobody I know knows how I feel.
Do you?
Views: 833
Replies to This Discussion
-
Permalink Reply by Becky on
-
I am in tears after reading your story. As a mother, my heart goes out to you. You are certainly living every mother's worst nightmare. I'm so very sorry I don't have kinder or more comforting words - all I can say is I will say extra prayers that you find the Lord's peace through all this.
-
-
Permalink Reply by Lia Lisa Saling on
-
I'm in tears again because I just read that you're in tears. I am living a nightmare. Please, please, do pray for me. I need prayer so bad because I can't talk to God like I used to. I'm full of doubt, confusion, fear, sorrow....I'm just a mess and have nowhere to turn, but here.
-
-
-
I don't know if you are a Christian, but these two verses gave me comfort when I felt I couldn't speak to God.
"For where two or three come together in my name, there am I with them"
"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express"
We're all here for you and will be praying for your comfort.
-
-
-
Thank-you, Becky for sharing those verses with me. I am a Christian in that I believe in Jesus Christ; however, I don't belong to a church, as I don't fit the criteria. I believe some things that don't exactly match particular belief systems. That puts me in a undefined religious category, I suppose.
In any event, I DO appreciate any and all prayer offered for me, my family, and all who loved Andrew. My own prayers have become difficult for me to express. My husband chose and purchased 7 inspirational books for me. It's not the same as my own words, but using the prayers they offer is way better than anything I can express by myself.
Thank-you for being here for me and praying for my comfort; for that I am very grateful.
-L
-
-
Permalink Reply by Denise Murphy on
-
Hi Lia,
There are no words I could think of in the english language that would be sufficient for the sorrow I feel for you. I do not know how you feel, I think losing a child is probable the worst experience a parent can face. I hope you are getting some help to deal with this and I will keep you in my prayers. This is a great place to express your feelings, everyone here is compassionate and kind. The only consolation is at least he did not experience any pain, he most likely didn't even know what was happening. I agree with you about God's plan, I can never figure out why something so horrible is God's plan, it does not make sense to me and never will. I hope someday all will be revealed. Take care
God Bless,
Denise
-
-
-
Thank-you, Denise. It makes sense to me that nothing in the English language is a suitable expression for your sorrow for my loss. Nothing adaquately describes my loss, or any parent's, for that matter.
If you think about it, spouses who lose each other are referred to as widow or widower; children who lose their parents are orphans...but there isn't any term for those who've lost a child. I'd think the reason is that we were NEVER meant to lose our children. It's a painful, horrifiying, dreaded, awful thing to even ponder, let alone experience. I don't mean to be gross...I'm being real: reflecting on the events of the day my son died makes me PHYSICALLY SICK.
As far as help to deal with this, here I am. By necessity, I travel with my husband. Neither of us want to be without each other. Getting "face-to-face" traditional counseling would require me to go home and be by myself. I'm not willing to leave him out on the road (he's a truck driver) to worry about me at home. And I would be worried sick about him. So, we're both supporting each other. I am interested to know how other's do in counseling.
Most everyone has told me Andrew probably didn't feel anything. I do hope that is the case. However, I have great concern for what he must have thought between the time I was knocked unconscious, our car spinning out of MY control...I can't help but wonder if he was questioning WHY wasn't I doing anything...and the time the F250 struck Andrew's side of the car. THAT drives me crazy...not knowing.
My sister consulted a psychic...I don't know if I could do that...anyway, he told her Andrew wasn't mad at me (my fear) but rather, he was really confused. The psychic went on to tell my sister that Andrew was immediately "met" by two men. God and Jesus?? My dad and my friend, Mikey?? St. Peter and some other saint?? I would imagine he was met by someone, but who??
I do believe someday "all will be revealed," as my dad expressed just hours before he passed away in '96. He told my mom, sister, and I, "don't waste time asking 'why' because you won't know or understand UNTIL you are where I am on the journey."
Try as I might, it's really hard for me to not ask WHY?? I read recently that God may be working in my life (taking Andrew's?) to prepare me for an even greater blessing!! I can't figure out what could possibly be a GREATER blessing than my children!!
Thanks for your response, and if you read my reply, thanks again!
-L
-
-
-
Hi Panni. Sorry my title was so blunt as to cause you fear. But thanks for reading anyway.
Horror and confusion and hope and prayer and disbelief and a million other feelings going on at the same time...very hard to explain and very hard for someone reading about it to wrap their head around. I can't even believe I lived through it. The car was demolished. My son, looking just as perfect as he did before we were hit...sitting there motionless, all I could do was BELIEVE he was still alive. He had to be!! I was!!
Life can literally change course in an instant. Thank you for your kind words and prayers. I need them desperately. I've been through some tough times in my life, but NOTHING like this. I know I have to keep going, but some days I just feel DEAD yet still breathing. I miss Andrew SO MUCH it hurts. I had such a positive outlook for his future. He was an AMAZING kid!! He was going to grow into an AMAZING young man!!
Thank-you for caring. Hugs to you, too.
-L
-
-
-
Dear Lia
I knew if I read your story I would cry and my heart would break for you. I have a hard time thinking that something like this is God's plan. I saw my husband die in front of me and even gave him CPR and relive it every day for the last 5 months and think often "Why didn't I go with him?" Again not part of the plan. I know grief but not the grief of losing a child. Know this, the site is full of compassionate people who have all suffered and do understand the pain. Always feel free to post anything you feel and I can assure you someone here has also felt the same Its a comfort. My thoughts and prayers (have a hard time doing that but for you I will) will be with you daily. Sending you a hug.
Love,
Barbara -
-
-
Dear Barbara,
I just cried reading your reply. I am so very sorry you lost your husband so tragically. I totally understand wondering why you didn't go with him. I wonder the same thing. I also wonder what would have happened to Andrew if he had survived and I hadn't.
Beating myself up mentally, I suppose. I'm here, my son is not, and I have to accept it. Ugh. Every day is a surreal mix of sadness, heartache, longing, nausea, etc., not to mention feigning strength when I feel like curling up and dying. I honestly can't fathom EVER being "okay" again.
I just remembered something I read recently, something to the effect of "God sometimes takes our loved ones to draw us closer to Him." I am so confused about what I believe anymore, I can't think of God like that!!
Thank you for making me feel welcome here. I've been needing the support of people who understand. I hope I can learn to support others, too.
-L
-
-
-
Lia, I wish there was something I could say or do for you to help ease your pain. I am so very sorry for the loss of your son, what a tragic accident. I don't know exactly how you feel, but I do not the heartache of losing a son. I lost my only son, Zach (23) in a tragic accident on September 3, 2011. He was with a group of friends and they were hiking, Zach and his buddy ran ahead and came to a beautiful waterfall. Zach wanted to get a closer look, and though his friends told me he was being careful, (he got down and was doing the crab walk), he slipped and fell 80-100 feet to his death. I will never forget getting the phone call or making the three hour drive to see my son. They say he died instantly, but I have so many unanswered questions. Was he afraid when he was falling? Did he know how much I loved him. My heart hurts so much for any one of us who has lost a child tragically. Please know that you are in my prayers, I wish you didn't have to go through this, but know that you are not alone. We are here. Big hugs. Robin
-
-
-
Dear Robin,
I read your reply and cried. I read it aloud to my husband and cried again. I am so sorry you lost your son. I would wonder, just as you do, was he afraid when he was falling...and just the very thought of it adds an extra burden of pain for you. I am so so sorry. I wish I could give you a big hug right now.
I expressed a similar concern to a friend who told me, no...our loved ones experienced no pain or fear, as Jesus Christ was there, holding them. I don't know if that offers you another perspective that may be of comfort... I don't feel like I know much of anything, other than the sharp pain of loss and heartache.
I, too, wish you didn't have to go through this....that nobody did. This is just awful.
One of Andrew's favorite songs is playing...Cee Lo Green's "Forget You." My eyes are burning with new tears.
-L
-
-
-
Dear Lia Lisa, thank you so much for your reply. One of my very best friends is visiting me this week, she was unable to come when Zach died, and I was telling her I just don't even think the reality of Zach being gone has hit me yet. I think I am trying to fool myself into thinking he really isn't gone, that he just must be busy or away somewhere. I try to keep myself busy especially with my granddaughters, I don't know what I would do without them. Tomorrow will be five months since we lost Zach, I just don't know how it can be true but I know it is. Thanks God for this site, and for good friends and family. Someone said to me today, that I am living every mothers worst nightmare. I just doesn't seem real, I don't understand how I am up and functioning. I get so afraid that when it really hits, I am going to really lose it.I have to make myself stay focused on one day at a time. Does that happen to you? Sending you big hugs. Thanks for listening. Robin
-
Groups
-
Being the Other Woman/Ot…
44 members
-
I miss my Mom!
751 members
-
LESBIAN ..GAY 2 SPIRITE…
15 members
-
Sibling Loss
9 members
-
Loss of a child In memor…
29 members
-
Too Young To Die
17 members
-
Losing a Sister
93 members
-
Multiple Losses Group
324 members
-
Grief Counseling
140 members
-
Zoom Grief Support
39 members
-
Orphaned Adults
80 members
-
Sole Survivors
15 members
-
Losing a sibling
62 members
-
Compounded grief with ex…
49 members
-
Lost both parents
12 members
Latest Activity
Being the Other Woman/Other Man
This is for anyone who has lost their lover to death and you were the other woman/other man in their life. We have to grieve in silence. I can't find any support groups and feel like I'm the only one going through this situationSee More
My husband
"Thanks, Rosie. (I have memory problems and forgot about this site. I'm just seeing this now. April 6th)"
LESBIAN ..GAY 2 SPIRITED loss and grief
Anyone who has lost their gay partner..soon finds that there may be a few things that are different...such as sorting through things and feeling like an intruder because it is also family stuff etcSee More
Assumptions
An assumption is an unexamined belief: what is thought to be true without ever really realizing that we think in that way. For better or worse, understanding starts with entertaining the idea that something is true. Truly profound thoughts generally come to light from the relaxation of these (flawed) assumptions. This is where I find myself today...Perhaps, one of the more significant drivers to pushing down the loss and grief at the time of the accident, ignoring it and mindlessly walking…See More
© 2024 Created by Ninja.
Powered by
