Hello,

I've been reading the messages here and it's brought back memories of an earlier time in my grief. I feel for each of you. This loss is the most difficult of human struggles -- at least it has been for me.

I wanted to leave a message of hope to those of you who are looking for it. My story was as sad as any, but a time came when I returned to living again. I thought I was done with life, with happiness, with joy, and with love when my husband died at the age of 49. I, too, said the things that all of you are saying about wanting it to be over with. But life kept on and the worst of the grief healed in time. I think grievers don't hear that message much because these forums are -- rightfully so -- full of pain and sadness. Maybe those who get better and move on don't want to revisit here, and that's why there are so few uplifting messages.

I have a full life again. I will always miss my husband, and I wouldn't want it any other way. At some point, I made a decision to be open to living with all the joy it offers. My late husband is tucked inside my heart and he lives alongside me now, in a very different way than before but he is still near me.

It takes time, and it takes an open heart and willingness. At some point, you'll need to wake up in the morning and say, "I want to live again" and mean it. When you can say that honestly, you're life will start to change in small ways because you'll be receptive to changes. Before you know it, you'll be on your way.

Hugs to you all.

Trevy

Tags: healing, joy, moving, on

Views: 400

Replies to This Discussion

What an an uplifting, thoughtful and sensitive post, Trevy.

Thank you, Marjorie. Grievers hold a special place in my heart now. 

Best wishes to you.

I too have 'turned a corner' and am determined to embrace life.

That is wonderful to hear. I am sure that others here will appreciate you sharing about your experience too.

This is good to hear. I am just starting into my third year of losing my husband. I am not ready to do this yet. I want to but something holds me back. I still call his office phone to hear his voice still on his messege machine. I look at his picture by my bed and say why? He was 62. I am not ready to go on alone. I cry everyday. My loss is so deep. I will keep working on myself with God's help i make the turn someday. Until then i am so lost and empty. I was not suppose to be by myself. What happens to our retirement plans? Poof! They are gone. Thank you for your article.

Dear Beth, you are not ready because no one wants to be ready for this. We didn't want it to happen. But I think sometimes we confuse healing and moving forward with walking away from what we have remaining of our loved one. That's not the case. You take your loved one with you. Always. Wherever you go. Whatever you do. Imagine what he would want for you. Imagine if he could see you now, watch your sadness, your devotion to this loss. If he could see you, don't you think he'd rather you find a way back to joy? I'm sure that's what you would want for him if your roles were reversed. Don't try to close the door on your past. Try to open the door on a healthy, happy future. There's a difference.

Hugs to you.

Dear Beth I want to share what happened to me. I have been a widow for 19 months. I was so traumatise by my husbands sudden death that I had a nervous breakdown & was hospitalised. I have been in pain ever since. I then enlisted on an 8 week grief relief course. I was so sceptical and didn't think it could help.I felt beyond help. BUT half way through something in me shifted & the pain & desperation eased and disappeared. It is a ridiculously expensive course but for me worth it. If you would like the details let me know.

Yes, i would be interested. I was in counseling and worked hard at it but really have not gotten with it where i thought i would. Thank you in advance.

Trevy

Firstly hugs to you for being so brave, it must not be easy to read all these messages and remembering how your own pain once was xx

I lost my partner suddenly last October just before his 32nd birthday, i miss him terribly but deep down i know he wouldn't want me to be as depressed as i am, to feel the way i do about his passing. Hed want me to enjoy life with our children the best way we can, to be as happy as possible, he hated seeing me sad at the best of times so goodness knows what hed be like if he was here with us now. I just hold on to the hope that he'll be there when it is my turn to leave here, waiting for me wherever it is we go when we pass

Hugs to you and thank you

Lau

Dear Lau,

How hard it is to lose a spouse -- hard for any of us at any time -- but it's shocking to lose one so young. My heart goes out to you. 

Six months is still pretty fresh. For me, the time just dragged on endlessly after my husband died, so I'm sure six months felt like an eternity then. I turned a corner at two years. Well, I turned a lot of little corners before that -- and had a lot of setbacks again too -- but I'd say two years made a significant difference in my ability to live more productively. Of course, all of our circumstances are different, but there are a lot of similarities too.

You know your partner best, and I am sure you're right that he'd want you to be happy. You can't force that, but some day it will help you. It's possible to get stuck in grief because it feels like loyalty or attachment to our loved one, but that's an illusion that's easy to hang on to. Feel whatever it is you're feeling but be sure not to shut out joy. Even snippets of it are evident along the way.

And I don't mind reading these messages at all. It helps me too because I remember where I was, see how I've grown, and maintain respect for the profound capability we have to experience all of life -- the pleasures and the tragedies. We do survive.

Hugs to you!

Trevy

I've been reading the messages to this post and I am upset that it sounds as though I am not trying hard enough and that just by saying "I want to live again"  and mean it will somehow be the magic words that stop the pain of loss from slowly killing me.  

My husbands essence never left me.  And it is different.  He is no longer within reach.  Its not enough that he is in "my heart".  He always was in my heart but he was also inside of me.  In all ways......in my brain, in my arms, in my very soul and consciousness in a visceral way.  I have been open to everything possible to reconstructing a life where he is no longer "with me".  I have done more than most people who aren't suffering from prolonged grief might do in two lifetimes.  It  hasn't done any more than move me through space and time but nothing brings me joy.  Not the joy that makes life worth the pursuit of worldly engagement.  And I have several people who care deeply abut me but it is not what I need.  I need him to be fulfilled.  I need his humor, his nurturing, his caring, his love, his angst, his creativity, his obstinate ways, his warmth, his essence to fill my empty cavern.  I am old.  I need it more now than I needed it when I was younger.  I yearn for his advice, his counsel, his strength.......he was my beacon of light and of a world that cared about me.  This world doesnt care about me.  It might like me.......it might find me interesting or capable of contributing.  But it doesnt love me.  He loved me.  In all my years he was the one person who truly loved me......and I didnt grow up neglected and I am not neglected now either.  But I am not loved.  Not really........not the love that was all embracing 24/7.

Do I want more?  No, I just want him and I cant have him.  So I am ready to die.  The sooner the better.  I have been open and receptive and engaging but its just not worth the effort.  There simply isn't enough to sustain me.  He was my sustenance.....and sorry If I sound angry or put out but I know how long and how hard I have tried to make it work.  There are just some of us that will never ever find peace, joy or happiness being left behind.  And I think there are many many more of us than we might imagine if we actually made a point of counting.  Good on those who find a way but the suffering of those who cannot is real and I'm not stuck or loyal.......  Some loves are just very intense.........mine was one of those.

Morgan 

I want to hug you so much right now, i feel the very same i was with my partner for almost 18years and we had been through so much in that time. He was my everything, i could tell him things that i never told my family, he knew me better than anyone and knows things not even my mum knows. Im lucky i have 6 children and they all have a little bit of him in them all different but still him, from the moody strops right down to the kindness.

Some days i want it all to be over to be with him again, to be happy, be me but then i look at our children and think NO hed want me to be strong for these little people who do not 100% understand where or why their dad has gone, he wouldn't want me to leave them too. They'd be alone in this world and i know that was the one thing that did frighten him.

I don't think any of us will truly get over the loss of any loved one (i lost three last year, one being my partner) as we will always have a day were we need them more than ever but we just learn to life on the best way we can

Hugs to you

Lau

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